This has been a great summer in terms of making my dreams manifest but I cannot say it has been a good summer health-wise. I realized yesterday that it has been over a month since I have actually felt well for more than an hour or two but business is booming and so I keep working.
I find myself violating all of my carefully set rules for living with MS but I keep promising to myself that I will take time in September to relax. Saturday was my first day off in two months but i got food poisoning and puked all day. WTF? Anyway, I have not had health insurance all month but think I will again by September 1. Yay! I am going to see all my doctors then. In the meantime I am going to acupuncture and getting massages. This seems to help a lot but what I really need is a break. Soon, soon... Ok, per usual, running to work now.
This photo is from my recent performance at a fetish ball LOL.
I want a minute to whine before my work day begins, but I really don't have the time...
Here it is: I have bathed, washed my very long hair, got dressed, combed my hair, tried to style it and then gave up. I am already exhausted, so I am going to catch my breath for about a minute before I run along.
MS does not exempt you from taking care of stuff, it just leaves less energy for the fun. I guess it is a good thing I like all my jobs. Bring on the fun: day job, interview, teach yoga, teach aerial, eat and pass the F-out.
After spending over a week feeling awful, I am reminded that one can either break under suffering, or one can embrace it as a reminder of just how good it feels when things are good. When I don't feel well, I just have to remind myself that it is possible for me to be well again. In these times I must just practice patience, faith and compassion for myself. Sometimes giving myself compassion is the hardest part. I often beat myself up for not still doing the million things I have committed to.
I am proud of myself for how I handled my most recent setback. I actually gave myself a bit of a break. Yeah, I still went to work every day but I did skip all additional social engagements. I also took a nap every day. It is rather lame that I put all my fun on hold so I could keep working but as they say, "No rest for the wicked."
Anyway, today I finally feel pretty decent. I got a long massage on Saturday and that helped a lot with the toxicity in my body. When I got home, I immediately vomited and frankly, I was relieved because I knew it was some of the yucky leaving my body.
Yesterday I felt awful. I was so hot and nauseous that I was having a mini-meltdown but I kept reminding myself that things would soon be better. I slept a ton, and now I finally see a light at the end of my long, nauseous, migraine tunnel. Today I am going to get another massage. I hope to be all better soon.
While one can't avoid suffering, what one makes of it is primarily a matter of attitude.
The Good: I am signed up for a week of classes at the circus festival, the class is great and day 3 starts in an hour.
The Bad: I feel too awful to go and I missed yesterday too.
The Ugly: My health insurance from my old job ended yesterday, and my old employer never even got me the stuff for COBRA so I am temporarily uninsured.
I find the timing of all this suspect. Was this just a giant episode of self-sabotage?
Things were going great, not just great, perfect. I felt great, I was getting really strong, all my dreams were coming true. I just seemed to be ending up in all the right places at the right times.
The Bad: I forgot to take one of my twice-daily antidepressants. Then, I kept forgetting one a day on purpose. I did this for a while, and still felt fine because I was ingesting enough of the medication to keep my body from experiencing withdrawal, but not enough to be quitting cold turkey. That was until the Friday/Saturday fiasco.
The Ugly: Friday night I went out for my friend's birthday. We had some drinks. Then we had some more. I wasn't wasted but I wasn't sober. I avoided puking, but maybe I didn't have enough hydrating liquids. I stayed up until 4am. I woke up after a few hours. I was only a little hung over but then I had to go to rehearsal. Spinning and upside down are not your friends after drinking. Skipping your antidepressant entirely, after a unsupervised medication taper, is also not a friendly experience. Apparently, getting off antidepressants is a bit painful. Me duele mucho.
The Good: I am tough and used to taking care of business, even when I feel cruddy.
The Bad: I can survive taking care of the things I must take care of, but now I am missing the stuff I actually wanted to do.
The Ugly: MS makes you unsure what symptoms are worthy of concern. Right now I feel flared but I really think it is just med withdrawal. The wild card here is of course the MS. Am I MS sick or meds sick? The ugliest part: I can't even call my neurologist to ask.