The waters of my life seeth around me like a storming sea. Sometimes I feel I will be completely submerged. I can't even lift up my head to look beyond the next wave. Sometimes I just want to give up and drown. The thing is, I'm not really ready to give up.
Even in the darkness, I remember the moments, many moments where my joy was so great I felt I could hardly even contain it in one body. I remember moments where the waters were calm and placid. And again, even in these darker times, there are moments... There are moments of complete calm and deep faith that all things will work out just fine. And there are other moments of ecstatic joy. Often I am more than satisfied just to be motivated to make things better, or just to breath an entirely free breath.
One of the real problems with anxiety and depression is that they feed on themselves. You feel bad or anxious so you don't want to do anything, or even worse, you feel suddenly like even doing the smallest thing is too much effort. You become overwhelmed and want to do nothing. Then, to make matters worse, you feel bad about doing nothing. These days I suspect that the only way I can deal with the really hard times is to start moving, get some momentum and then keep moving. I like it the most when I actually get to feeling content just being. It is a hard place to get to, but sometimes when I do, I feel really good being in that place. Sadly, it often wears off way too quickly.
I had a pretty good day today. It was good enough to make me want to blog while I felt a break in the clouds. I am not sure how long this break will last, but while it is upon me, I thought I might leave myself notes on how to get back to that ever-elusive patch of sunlight.
I had a good talk today with another special person in my life who I knew would understand. She was talking about being depressed, and she noted that you begin to forget the things you even like in life. Slowly you start to even forget most of your reason or desire to live at all. She reminded me it is good that I still have those things I know I really love even in these tough times. She is right. Sometimes I just imagine myself doing wraps and setting up drops for aerial fabric and I am filled with excitement. I think about doing acro with friends or teaching the stuff I love, and I just smile. I have noticed that I still have a big smile and a light in my eyes so I must somehow be there, the best of me, somewhere right below the gloom.
I have been thinking about blogging but I have had a cold for two weeks on top of my regular busy schedule and by the time I have a break, I just want to lay curled up with the cats and read. Mostly I have been focused on staying rested enough so I can make it to all my jobs. Money has been a bit tight, but I have just been buying groceries and staying home. I have still gotten out to take a few aerial dance classes and to practice some acro yoga with friends. Generally I have been a bit tired for these things but it has been a tough winter for me so far, and every time I go fly in aerial or acro, I remember the stuff that makes life worth living. In the hard times, remembering those things seems essential.
Speaking of flying... Check out this article by Erin Mathiason about my aerial and moving arts classes. In this article you can also learn a bit more about how MS has influenced me as both a teacher and a yogi. Happy reading.