Living! with MS

All the Blogs are Updated!

2009-11-10T18:19:00.000-08:00

It was a long and busy weekend. Really, busier than I hoped for but good. I have just finished updating all four of my blogs so drop by and check out my latest work.

Be sure to check out Poems from the Blue Plane and get smothered by love. Denver Refashionista offers advice on "Age and occasion appropriate dress" this week. My Firebird Yoga site offers a rationale for "Pushing in Yoga."

While you're browsing, be sure to visit the sites of some of my "Followers" on this blog. It's also worthwhile to check out all the links to great blogs featured on this page. Wherever your surfing my take you, "Calabunga dude!"

Walk MS Rewind

2009-11-07T14:52:00.000-08:00

Last year was the first year I participated in Walk MS. It was a great experience and my ex and I raised about $850.00. This year I am excited to be helping out again...

A few months ago I participated in a photo shoot for the walk at a request from my care manager at the MS Socity. Today I ran into the woman who posed as my "mom" in the shoot and she informed me that my photo was featured in the campaign for the 2010walk. Wow, I am humbled to be this year's face. Anyway, I guess I am in the brochure and my photo is on page four of this month's "Momentum". Crazy... I am truly honored to "represent" for this community.

Denver Refashionista
Nadja Tizer

Neurologist Visit 11/03/09

2009-11-03T18:18:00.000-08:00

I went to the neurologist today for the first time in a year. The visit went very well. He says I passed all the "tests" and that the yoga is working for me. He also said I do not need another MRI for a while unless I change medications but that so far, the Copaxone seems to be working well for me. Unfortunately, he is retiring but he gave me a referral so I feel satisfied.

I have still been feeling a bit strange lately but we think it is a potential UTI, rather than an exacerbation. My symptoms include, back pain, abdominal cramping, urgency, inflammation, full body soreness, painful joints, dizziness, nausea and blurred vision but the biggest issue does seem to be the back pain and urgency, so I think we have nailed it down. I should know by tomorrow and if we are right, I can start antibiotics or whatever he suggests. If it is not, he will send me to a specialist. Either way, I am optimistic that relief is on the way.

Today I am grateful that my appointment went so well. Next Tuesday, female doctor, week after neuro opthamologist (is that how it's spelled?) and then on with my life. Yay!

Snow Day

2009-10-29T16:57:00.000-07:00

The snow is still falling and my snow day has been everything I hoped for. I slept like 12 hours, took a nap, had a bubble bath and generally relaxed. I even watched my favorite soap. I could get used to this... I am hoping that it clears up soon because I have exciting weekend plans but I have really enjoyed this storm.

Tomorrow we have professional development at work so there are no kids! It should be quick and mellow and then I am off for weekend adventures. I have my costume and I can't wait. I am also taking Monday off work so next week will also be short. The week after I think I also have Monday off so there will be lots of time for R&R.

I am watching the news and they are forecasting a weather clearing tomorrow. Things are generally looking up.

Today I am thankful for my relaxing snow day.

Sometimes MS cramps my style

2009-10-27T17:35:00.000-07:00

I decided a few months ago that I was no longer going to live my life as though I had MS. It has been great. I make plans and don't worry about my spoon quotient. I don't question if I can make committments or take on challenges. I just do. It has been life-changing. I have been feeling good and I still believe that much of our physical state can be attributed to our mental and emotional one. However; MS does put a kink into the equation at times.

Lately it has been cramping my style a bit. While I have still been doing everything I planned, it is with less than my usual energy. I am exhausted, the MS kind of tired where you sleep forever and still don't feel fully rested. This sleep comes on in a dizzying, nauseating cloud that wipes away everything else. I fall down the rabbit hole for thoughtless hours full of strange dreams and hallucinations. The migraines are back. I have been fighting them with Midrin and Meloxicam. It seems my body is inflamed. I have been taking the Meloxicam to try to fight the pain. My joints ache. Everything is creaking. My neck has been especially bad. I keep fearing I will throw up and my vision has been on the blink. This is really a pain in the butt.

I know MSers, your thinking I need steroids. Ok, maybe I do but I just had some a few months ago and I am hesitant to rush down that road of crazy with any haste. I am trying to eat well, rest plenty and keep taking the Meloxicam. I am hoping this set of remedies will do the trick.

At the moment, I am still working and driving so that is a good sign. If either of these things go by the wayside, I will get in touch with my neurologist with haste. Right at the moment, I feel the best I have all day so I am optomistic. We are getting hit by a storm front so maybe they will cancel school tomorrow or the next day. That would suit me. I could lay around in my PJs, eat, nap and watch movies. It would be perfect!

Today I am grateful I have not yet entirely succumbed to the latest bout of symptoms :)

Chronicles in the life of an urban adventurer

2009-10-25T17:29:00.000-07:00

Where can I find the time to write? I'm so freakin' busy, sometimes in a good way, sometimes not but definitely occupied.

I'm making plans-- lots of them. I finally know my next steps. I'm going to get another masters degree. To be exact, I want to get a masters in fine arts with an emphasis in creative writing. I want to stay in Denver and apply to Naropa. I want to keep teaching at Harmony Yoga. As to the rest, I trust it will fall into place.

So back to the chronicles of an urban adventurer. I have been having adventures aplenty. Some of them have involved, swinging from a suspended trapeze, hanging upside down off a giant hoop-- five feet off the ground and wrapping myself in aerial fabric (tissue)and moving through a set of choreographed moves. I have been having the less-intriguing adventures of an urban, public school teacher at an "awesome" high school where I don my cape daily in order to pound edumacation into the brains of youngsters. I'm the "hall sweep" queen, bringing terror to the hearts of youngsters who are tardy for class. I continue to seek liberation from my current post but I'm still waiting to hear back on my latest transfer application to another school.

Yoga is at the center of my existence, thank the goddess. It keeps me sane and content. I have been teaching pretty much every day. The only drawback is that I have not had much time to attend anyone else's class. Perhaps one day soon I will.

Mixed in with all the craziness, I have still found time for my 8-14 hours of sleep a day. How do I do it? It takes discipline (LOL). My time is spoken for but I have made it my bitch... I'm caught in the adventur, yet I am still bored and underchallenged. I can see the next adventur near on the horizon and I am ready!

The Joys of Solitude

2009-10-19T09:44:00.000-07:00

One might think that with divorce and the fact that many of my old friends won't talk to me that I would be sad or lonely. This is not the case. I am celebrating my solitude, in fact, I crave it. Today I am at work but I wish I were home reading, studying, painting and writing poetry. I can't wait for the day to end so I can be alone again.

Being alone is like oxygen for me. It is in my solitude that I find creativity and strength. I need the time to recharge and rejuvenate.

I love teaching. I love to teach school and to teach yoga but in order to do it from the purest place, I must find time to be alone.

Yesterday I spent the whole day alone. It was amazing! Now I want more. Tonight I teach yoga but I imagine that there is more time alone in my future.

Today I am grateful for the time I get to spend alone.

Update 10/16/09

2009-10-16T09:30:00.000-07:00

Things are good. I'm happy. I feel creative. Generally I am unperturbed by the convolutions of the world outside me. There are many problems at work but I am not allowing them to trouble me unduly.

I have been reminded that suffering is caused only by our reactions to external situations. If we do not allow them to trouble us, then we need not suffer. This is why I feel good internally and emotionally.

Physically I still feel good overall but the last few days have been rough. It is a bad time of month and that often makes my body very inflamed. The inflammation makes me feel ill. I have been taking anti-inflammatory medication and migraine pills regularly. I know that this will pass soon but it is a drag. Last night, I woke up to cramps so bad that they jolted me out of sleep. It took me an hour for the meds to kick in so I could sleep again. Incidentally, I am a bit exhausted from my midnight awakenings.

Despite the physical discomfort, my spirits are good. Thank goodness it's Friday. I anticipate that my weekend will be mellow and relaxing.

Today I am grateful it is Friday.

The Shortcomings of Humanity- A rant

2009-10-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

I feel a rant coming on... Disclaimer, if you are easily offended or are going to take this personally stop reading now. You have been warned!

Lately I have becoming increasingly irritated by some of the shortcomings exhibited in my fellow human beings.

1) Don't pass the buck-- take responsibility will you?
I am super-tired of the people around me who are full of excuses. Would it kill you to take some personal responsibility for the problems around you instead of passing the buck all the time? I hate hearing the, "I would but..." Or, "I could but..." Is Obama the only person left who can admit it when he is wrong? When shit happens in your life and keeps happening, is it possible that it is partially you? I am willing to say that it is partially me and to work on that. Could more people please do that? I know, I know, my standards are too high but can you blame a girl for wishing?

2) Kindness doesn't cost you anything, would it kill you to be nice?
I don't care if you are in a rush or you had a crappy day, does basic nicety have to be such a stretch? Don't take your crappy mood out on others. It's not usually their fault that your day sucked. It is unexcusable to be rude or mean no matter what's going on. I often am ill, I don't take it out on others, or at least I try not to. If I do, I at least apologize and assure them that it is not their fault. I wish more people would do this. I know, there I go again with my high standards...

3) I believe you have a brain-- use it!
Sometimes I tell my students, turn on your brain. I would like to say that to some adults too. Please think before you speak or act. Try really using your head...

4) I didn't ask for your opinion or advice so don't give it.
Ok, even I slip up on this one sometimes but it drives me nuts when people give me their opinion when I didn't ask for it. I also despise unsolicited advice. Another thing that annoys me is some people's habit (especially males) of thinking that just because I am expressing that I have a problem, it is their "job" to solve it.

That about wraps today's rant.

Today I am grateful that I am only this much of a bitch sometimes (LOL).

Passing on the Love

2009-10-11T13:34:00.001-07:00

Life's good and I want to share so today I'm going to pass out some awards.

To Lisa Emerich and Diane Stafford I offer the "Most Inspirational Blog Award"

To Serina, Stephanie and Nina I offer the "Your an Awesome Girl Award"

To Kim I offer the "Strong at the Broken Places Award"

To Mike and Robert I offer the "Kreative Blogger Award"

To Julia, Herrad,Cherlyn and Julie I offer the "Kindness Award"

Please just lift your awards off the side of my blog.

All of the bloggers bookmarked on this blog are awesome so if you haven't checked out their work, please do so. Also, if I did not give you an award today please know that it is coming soon.

Happy reading,
Nadja

New Awards

2009-10-07T16:28:00.001-07:00

Today I am grateful to accept two awards from Herrad. I will soon be passing these on to my favorite bloggers.

Much better thanks

2009-10-05T12:22:00.000-07:00

It may be that not every day is sunshine but my sun is shining again. It's good to be alive.

Today I am grateful for the challenges and adventures:)

No one promised all sunshine

2009-10-02T17:14:00.000-07:00

Today sucked. In fact, that word "suck" has been causing me a lot of trouble in the last 24 hours but that is neither here nor there (LOL).

I need a break. I need a break from work. I need a break from social obligations. I need a break from most people. I certainly need a break from judgements. I even hear them in the voices of people who claim to care about me. I am truly at the end of my tether but shit won't stop hitting the fan so I can take an excriment-free breath. I don't know what I expected--

This has been one crappy week. When I ached the most for a nervous breakdown, I didn't even have that luxury. Apparently breakdowns are a luxury reserved for those who depend, not those who are always depended on. Sometimes I just get sick of holding it all together. I want to screech, howl and throw things but I just feel rather silly when I get through doing it.

Lately I have filled this blog with joy and gratitude but today I must say, even I can't be all sunshine all the time. I would like to freakin' strangle someone right about now. I guess it is good I am home alone (LOL).

No one promised all sunshine so there you have it--

Synergy

2009-09-29T04:28:00.001-07:00

The master plan is finally falling into place. I'm rubbing my hands together with a wicked grin on my face. Ok, this was not in the master plan but it should have been...

I feel good; really good. It's almost ironic that my primary blog is called "Living! with MS!" because these days I'm just really Living! I don't say this to make every other MSer jealous. I say this because I have come to believe that so much of our physical state, is linked with our emotional and mental state. The better I feel in these respects, the better I feel physically. The better I handle my stress, the fewer the setbacks. The more I embrace who I fundamentally am, the weaker my disease becomes. These days it is a non-entity that I only recall when I give myself my nightly copaxone injection. Even the injections are getting easier. I have the process down to a swift science. They still hurt like a ----- afterward but the process is quick and routine now.

I have been having fun wherever I go. I have been acting spontaneously and not worrying whether I have the "spoons" to get through the day. Much of my time is spent with friends. I also spend a lot of time alone writing, painting and taking care of all the little details involved in living alone. I am taking good care of myself but now I answer to no one and I create my own schedule. It has been fun going to aerial yoga and aerial tissue.

My physical intelligence has been increasing exponentially. Now it seems I can learn a new dance or aerial move and master it after only a few tries. Yesterday at "fabric" class I climbed all the way up the fabric twice. I'm getting strong very quickly. Today I barely feel sore, much to my surprise. I'm hooked.

Words are really insufficient to describe my current state of being but on one of my other blogs (Poems from the Blue Plane) I attempt to.

Today I am full of gratitude and wonder at the journey that my life has become.

Aerial Yoga, Awww Yeah!

2009-09-27T13:22:00.000-07:00

This is my newest passion. Check out more pictures on my Firebird Yoga Blog.

Beyond Fear

2009-09-26T07:57:00.001-07:00

Please check out my latest post on Firebird Yoga. It tells the story of how MS and yoga helped me master my fears.

Independence

2009-09-24T17:42:00.000-07:00

One thing I have learned about chronic illness is that it can rob you of your feeling of independence. When I was diagnosed, I wondered where I would be without my husband or family. I still felt screwed but I felt like if things went south, I could count on those people to take care of me. In fact, I believed I needed to be taken care of. When I was scared and sick, it felt good to remind myself that I had people who would care for me if I got really sick and couldn't work. I was ceratin I needed that safety net. Now, my worst fears have been realized and I am all alone in this.

I am getting a divorce. I now have to pay half the mortagage on a house I can't afford. I'm responsible for my student loans and car payment. Financially, I am in dire straits. If I get too sick to work full time, I don't know what will happen. Most of my friends have turned their backs on me and won't even talk to me. I have had a falling out with several family members. I am truly on my own.

Do I feel despair? Hell no! I feel good. I'm creatively inspired and empowered. Overall, my health is good. I have found quiet happiness in my independence. I can do what I want, when I want. I have to work full time and now I'm working at the yoga studio several days a week in addition to my regular yoga classes I teach. I have been working 12-14 hours a day but I am ok. The only thing I crave is more alone time. This weekend, I plan to hole up and create art and writing. I will dance and do yoga. I will kick it with my cat. I will breath the air of independence and I will not be afraid. I can do this!

Today I am grateful to have this opportunity to be alone.

I promised honesty but...

2009-09-21T09:32:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it seems that the world is not ready for my degree of honesty so here, on my blog that feeds to facebook, I promise to be honest, but not to a fault. To see the unfettered me, check out my other blogs: Denver Refashionista (my artistic creations and clothing), Firebird Yoga (my yoga site) and my newest addition, Poems from the Blue Plane.

I am doing well these days. I still have my critics but I have realized that if every artist was concerned with their critics than nothing great would ever be created. So I have decided to just be myself, no apologies and to make the most of the time I have on this earth. How does this tie into Living! with MS? Well, MS has really taught me to value each day. It has helped me value the things that really matter in the creation of a beautiful life. MS has made clear to me what I can and cannot do. MS has actually made me more whole, rather than less.

I feel good. These days, I hardly feel like I have MS. I have not had a migraine in a month. I have been taking very little medication outside my copaxone. I have been sleeping less and doing more. I am having fun! Today I have the day off and I am excited to be spending the majority of my day on intellectual and artistic pursuits.

Today I am grateful for my health.

Back on track

2009-09-18T13:27:00.000-07:00

Comments are back and controversial posts and comments have been removed so enjoy and comment away :)

Happy reading,
Nadja

Changes

2009-09-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

I surrender to the change
Or rather, I embrace it.
The world is spinning quickly
But I do not cling for dear life,
I am content
Shrugged off all that held me back.
Found me
Discarded my baggage without regrets.

I look to the future now.
The thing we had,
It was killing me slowly.
You are better off alone.
I am happier as I am.
I wish you well.
I am at peace
Let us cease to torment each other.

I live without regrets.
I notice,
I learn and then I remember and move on.
I hope you can do the same.
I wish you all the love and joy this world has to offer.
Go out and find it.
Be happy.
I bear you no ill-will.

My wings have sprouted.
I sail from the nest
Into an endless sky
Of possibility.
My heart soars
My dreams are vivid and grand.
I do not look back now
The future is mine.

Peace

2009-09-11T06:07:00.000-07:00

Today is 9/11 and I meditate now on peace. Last night I went to an amazing yoga event in the park that focused on peace. It lent me a great deal of personal peace and clarity at a time where I needed it.

I feel calmed, content and comfortable in my skin. I feel the best today, both physically and emotionally that I have in a long time. Now I feel like I have the energy to focus on bigger issues than just my health. It feels good and I feel very freed up. I can breath again.

Meditating on peace helped me sort out several mental and interpersonal conflicts I have been having. I now feel at peace with the situation and that is allowing me to focus on the greater peace, something we must really remember on a day like 9/11.

Where's the Refashionista

2009-09-08T17:11:00.001-07:00

I had a busy week and then went on vacation. I spent some relaxing, computer-free time with my mother. I will be back here to post and read soon. For now, please enjoy the yoga mediation on my other blog.

Rant

2009-09-02T16:02:00.000-07:00

*Disclaimer, this is directed at no one in particular. I appreciate everyone's concerns for my situation/s but I have it under control. Above all, fellow bloggers, this is not aimed at you. I just needed to rant.

Leave me Alone!

I am tired of being second guessed
I am worn down by advice.
You mean well,
I’m sure
But you are driving me nuts!

Please, please, I implore—
Leave me alone.
Can’t you trust me?
Trust me to run my own life
Can’t you trust that I know my own mind?

How can I even think when no one gives me space?
How can I make good decision if I must constantly answer your questions and your calls?
Why can’t I be trusted?
Why do you treat me like I’m crazy?
Can’t you see my strength?

I have done battle with demons,
I have fought the good fight
I have listened
I have always put others before myself.
Is it too much to ask that I be allowed to make the choices that feel right to me?

I’m tired of being treated like a child
I’m tired of being disrespected
I’m sick of being told “It’s the steroids—“
F---- off-- I took those a month ago.
Trust me, trust me, trust me.

If I make a “bad choice,”
Can you just allow me to reap the consequences?
Stop protecting me from myself.
The only person who has to live with my regrets is me.
Let me live and let live!

A happy Sunday

2009-08-31T02:02:00.000-07:00

I had a nice Sunday. During the early morning, I was sick because I ate differently yesterday and accidentally gave myself a shot in the muscle, not the fat, hence the pain. I felt very nauseaous for a while but by 9:00 am, I was ready to get up and go.

I went to aerial yoga but class was cancelled. I did get to stretch out, do some tricks and talk to the owner of the studio. I will go gack today for some more training on the aerial equipment like the tissue (fabric), Hoop and trapeze. I talked the owner of the studio into giving me a discount for two days since I teach at her studio sometimes. I am excited for class later today.

I also bought groceries to fit my diet, went to lunch, did some work, created a restorative yoga sequence for my Firebird yoga blog and took a nap.

Later, I went out and saw my best friend DJ at a patio party. I then finished my day with dinner and my shot. I did the shot in my belly this time. I heated the area first and got relaxed. Then I did the shot laying down. I think I lost some of the medicine that way but most of it went in. I then applied more heat. This one did not hurt or sting at all. Yeah!

I'm thankful for my great Sunday.

Hot is better than cold for me...

2009-08-29T19:23:00.000-07:00

Not really, but with the Copaxone it is. I heated before I injected and iced after. The aftershock is intense. I realized that the ice was not allowing the medicine to spread well and so the pain would not spread out as quickly as yesterday. Now, I just tried heat instead. It is helping the pain. Yesterday did not hurt as much. I must not have hit as good a spot today. My hands have been a bit inflamed and I think it slowed down the speed of my injection. Maybe I will try the auto-injector... I kind of like watching myself shove the needle and plunger into my arm ( I know I'm a weirdo) but maybe the auto-injector would make this easier than trying to get my swollen hands to work well.

I couldn't resist the urge to post that intense poem this morning. As a writer, I look for opportunities in the drama. Mostly, my life is rather mundane, so this gave me something new to write about.

When I injected tonight, I prayed out loud afterward to calm myself. I don't believe in prayer but it is very soothing and I love the sound when I'm nervous. It helped me focus on my breath and something outside the pain. Even now, my arm still hurts. At first, it felt like the area all around the site was pulsing. I imagine, I'll get used to this. I have lost a lot of weight this week due to cutting foods out of my diet because of food allergies. Now, I'm trying to gain a little back. I figure the more fat I have for this, the better...

I ate some hot wings for dinner tonight, after almost eight years as a strict vegetarian. They tasted good but I was really grossed out. I only ate half but I had some fries and celery too so at least I'm fed for now. Hopefully the chicken won't make me ill but I had to experiment at least.

Right now, my life is very chaotic and many things are in flux but despite the challenges, I feel good. I feel positive about myself and the work I have been doing. I feel good about my art, writing and dance. Cutting out foods seems to be helping already. I don't have morning congestion for the first time in years. I also have been migraine-free for three days now.

Today I am grateful for this chance to confront and conquer my fears. I feel empowered.