Living! with MS

New Year, New Dreams

2012-01-13T12:56:00.000-08:00

I usually think about a new year's resolution-- sometimes I keep it, sometimes I break it... This year I did not so much make a resolution, as set the intention to follow my dreams and opportunities wherever they might lead.

I have let MS, the shoulds and musts dictate far too much of my life for too long but in the last year or so I have really been trying to follow my dreams and to enjoy life as much as possible. I think it is paying off in health and happiness.

As I move into the year, I don't want to let anything hold me back. I want to wait on recording my latest ambitions, but I do have my sights set on getting out of public school teaching sooner than later and embracing a life choice that allow my to focus on yoga, acro and aerial dance.

Guest Post by Melanie Bowen

2012-01-06T03:47:00.000-08:00

Setting Goals and Improving Health

An excellent quality of life is an important step of improving health and beating any type of sickness. Whether the prognosis is a rare cancer like mesothelioma or a long-term chronic disease like diabetes, taking time to set goals and write down accomplishments can result in benefits to any patient. Quality of life is not about being a patient; rather, it is about setting goals, taking steps to achieve the goals and then writing down the accomplishments.

Helping Health:

The National Cancer Institute points out that setting short term and long term goals can help take the mind off illness. By taking measures to remove the stress of constantly thinking about sickness, it is possible to improve quality of life throughout the day and week. Start you path to healing by setting personal goals.

Setting small daily goals is a key component to helping make quality of life better. Small goals might include fitting in a little extra exercise, trying something new for stress relief or even reading a chapter of a book for relaxation—all of which aid recovery.

Setting Long Term Goals:

Having long term goals gives hope and confidence. By having a few goals to look forward to reaching, it is possible to forget the problems and work toward something worthwhile. Whether the goal is something like having a child or something like graduating from school, it helps manage the situation.

The National Cancer Institute suggests that while long term goals are important to plan, it might also require some flexibility based on the situations that might arise.

Writing Accomplishments:

As goals are met, it is important to write it down as an accomplishment. This applies to both the short-term goals of a day or two and the long-term goals that might be months away. Writing down what was accomplished helps keep the mind focused on the positives rather than the negatives.

Having a reminder of the accomplishments goes further than just noting that a goal was met. It brings the focus on reaching set goals and working toward something as well as possible under the circumstances. It also provides motivation to continue trying to reach further goals and keep setting new tasks to reach toward as quality of life improves.

Goals and accomplishments are more than just a list of things to try before death: they are hope that life will continue on long beyond the estimates of doctors. Severe illnesses like cancer or diabetes might seem scary at first, but working toward something helps improve the situation for a better lifestyle while undergoing traditional treatment.

“Melanie Bowen is an awareness advocate for natural health and holistic therapies. You will often find her highlighting the great benefits of different nutritional, emotional, and physical treatments on those with illness in her efforts to increase attentiveness and responsiveness on like topics"

The latest

2011-11-11T08:59:00.000-08:00

Another day off-- thank goodness. I have been super-busy with work and preparing for my next aerial show this weekend.

I went and saw my neurologist last week and she said I was doing "great" and that I don't need to see her again until next year. I also don't need to get another MRI until June so things on the health front are still looking up.

I continue to balance my busy schedule with plenty of rest and a prayer I don't catch the latest bug :) Honestly, some days I feel better than others. I still tire easily, but I can feel my stamina building. All my aerial training is making me increasingly strong and flexible.

Yesterday one of my yoga students (a social work student)asked to interview me about the mind-body connection. I spent some time thinking about it, and then I told her the story of my diagnosis and how that period in my life forever changed my relationship with my body and my overall life view. I have said it here before, but every day is a gift. I really understand the importance of being present, enjoying the moment, and seizing opportunities when I can seize them. I also told her that I have found that when my mind is in a good place (I feel happy,) my health also seems to be better. When I am living with joy, I can do more both physically and mentally. If that does not give evidence of the mind-body connection, I'm not sure what does. My awareness of my mortality, of the fleetingness of health and physical ability, makes my life richer. If I thought I had forever to do these things, I think they might mean less, knowing that I need to make the most of the moment, makes the moment more precious.

Living Fiercely

2011-10-23T08:00:00.001-07:00

I still vividly remember a time during the first year after I was diagnosed where life was colorless-- all just a bunch of "what ifs" and struggle to survive. I also remember talking one day with my then husband, and realizing that I no longer had any real dreams or desires. Everything I did was somehow based in fear. I worked so I could pay my bills. I rested so I could be well enough to work, and I fought tooth and nail just to keep what I had--continually wondering if it was even worth the cost to my physical and mental health. He asked me about my bucket list and I was painfully aware that I didn't even have one.

Fast forward three years from that moment... I find myself in an entirely different state of mind. I work to live, but i don't live to work. I still work hard but I am prioritizing my activities. It can be all work all the time so now I go to aerial dance and fantasize about joining the circus. I have stopped saying no to every invitation and every activity outside of my job. I am about to turn 35 and I have a bucket list that is alive and well. My new priority, having fun doing things I love.

Last night I crossed a new item off my bucket list when I performed my first aerial dance routine. When I came home and looked at the photos, I told my roommate, "I look fierce." I love feeling like a bad ass :) If MS has taught me nothing else, "Carpe Diem."

Balancing Act

2011-08-28T05:05:00.000-07:00

The school year has started with a bang (I'm a teacher) and this is definitely busy season. Right now at 6:00 am on a Sunday, I'm stealing a guilty minute away from the work to right a quick update.

This time of year is always a health challenge. I have yet to get through it without a relapse but this year, so far, so good (knock on wood). As always, my secret weapon is a balance of rest and work. Sleep is my trusty side-kick-- we try to spend 10-14 quality hours together every day. Sleep used to be something I squeezed in around all the activity, now I squeeze the activity in around all the sleep. This year's plan involves a little nap every day and a good 3-4 hour chunk on Saturdays.

The balancing challenge here is fitting in the fun stuff. I haven't made any trash art in a few weeks but I have gotten out to a few aerial dance classes. I have also still been teaching my full yoga schedule but I gave up my desk shift in favor of more rest time. Now I can be home for the night by no later than 6:30 on any night. When do I go to bed you ask? 7:30-- but I'm still not old (lol). Can an old person still balance on just their arms?

Hangin' out

2011-07-31T07:10:00.001-07:00

What a fun summer-- Trash art and aerial dance!

What I have been up to

2011-07-14T10:34:00.000-07:00

So far it has been a fun and busy summer. In June I attended two different trainings. The first was a "writer's workshop" where along with other teachers, I learned more about teaching writing. The second workshop was put on by EL Achieve, an organization that trains ELA (English language acquisition) teachers like myself. While I was there, I trained to lead their workshops for other teachers in the future. It was very empowering to be treated as a teacher leader again.

July has been a mix of action and down time. I ended June and started July with a week at the Naropa summer Writing Program in Boulder. I wrote my "Legacy" poem while I was there. I also created a bunch of other new work.

At the end of June I worked a kids birthday party with my roommate where she ballooned and I taught Little Animals yoga and face painted. We teamed up again on July 4th for more balloons and face painting. This (face painting) is a new passion for me. I am learning as I go.

Lately I have been resting a lot, recovering from all my adventures, getting organized and experimenting with the construction of "trash art". This is shaping up to be an excellent summer.

Click on each of the links to see my fun in action!

Legacy

2011-07-06T16:07:00.001-07:00

Legacy

I had a nightmare last night.
In the corner of a dump
Hundreds of plastic laundry containers--
Even in the dream state, I recognize them.
Their contents spilled on the ground,
A graveyard of glass syringes.

That is what I left behind?
Piles of plastic and glass—

Glatirimar Acetate
During a double-blind, placebo-controlled pivotal trial, COPAXONE®reduced relapses by 29% vs placebo over 2 years in patients with RRMS (Relapsing-Remitting Multiple Sclerosis) diagnosed using Poser criteria.6

No note to mention this drug only helps some people,
No guarantees.
Try Rebif, Avonex, Betaseron or Copaxone
Try hope…

No note to mention
Some never find a drug that helps--
There is no cure for Multiple Sclerosis.

Teva pharmaceuticals packages hope in blue, rectangular boxes.
30, prefilled glass syringes,
1mL Glatiramer Acetate.
Individually sheathed in smooth plastic casing.
Stacked in rows of 5
Soldiers battling disease?
Nestled beside 30 alcohol swabs
Individually sealed.

Cremate my body.
Only ashes remain.
My legacy—
Just comb through my trash.

For Readers and Writers

2011-05-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog I promised myself and my readers to write with sincerity and honesty, even if the feelings my writing evoked were not always comfortable and pleasant. I made this promise with the idea that while each person's experience is unique, someone might find a piece of themselves in what I had to say. I see this as a rational for publishing personal observations, if only in blog form.

Today I was gratified to discover a reflection of my ideas in an essay by Jane Tompkins called "Me and My Shadow." While Tompkins danced around this issue in her own way, I still found several mirrors to my own thinking in her words. She called the language of "Western epistemology" a male language. Perhaps that is true, but I tend to just look at it as the language in which we are taught to write, the rhetorical style of writing used in our education system. There is nothing wrong with this approach, but it is far from personal. If we look for ourselves in such writing, we are unlikely to find much of genuine human experience. That can only be found in unfettered, brutally honest, naked and personal writing. That is what I want my blog to be.

It can be hard to write so honestly. Tompkins mentions how the inner critic quickly arises for her when she writes this way. It's not comfortable. There is no road map for how it "should" sound. I can relate. There are many times I have written half a page on my blog, only to delete it before publication because I felt it didn't "sound good." Even now, I find myself putting this entry through the editing lens of my own educational background, but I long to write from my heart, my experiences and to be comfortable with what comes out.

I go through obsessive stages of seeking my "true self", but I suspect that self is always there. It is the inner critic, the ego, that keeps me from comfort with who I really am. Everything I say, everything I do filters through how I believe others will perceive it. It is only when I do things without such a filter, that I can say I am truly being me.

Walk MS

2011-05-07T22:21:00.000-07:00

Had a hot, but super-fun walk with the peeps from my support group and some of their friends. Go team "Walk by ME!"

Vacation

2011-04-04T10:16:00.000-07:00

Spring Break is finally here and I am about to head out of town for a week of adventure. I am going to Baltimore to visit my best friend and I am also going to catch up with some fellow MS bloggers.

Then we will be heading to Philly to see my brother and my cousin. We plan to go to D.C. on Friday as well.

During my vacation, I plan to relax, party (a little), eat, shop and spend time with my BFF and some other close friend.

I am getting excited. More details to follow soon...

My 4 Words on Living with MS

2011-03-13T09:32:00.000-07:00

Enjoy now, Live fully!

MS Awareness Week: Share Videos with MS Community

2011-03-12T06:48:00.000-08:00

I was asked to post this (DR):

In the spirit of raising awareness for MS during MS Awareness Week, I wanted to share with you a program MS LifeLines is launching on Monday: Words 4 MS.

Words 4 MS has been created to empower and inspire people in the MS community by encouraging them to share their stories. The program will share individual stories from people living with MS, or people who know someone impacted by MS through selected videos on mslifelines.com. Video submissions should follow the theme of Words 4 MS and include four words to describe a personal achievement (examples: Still Full of Hope, My Mom, My Hero).

People can submit their video and access the full program guidelines and submission criteria at MSLifeLines.com/Words4MS. (Website will be live on Monday, 3/14) Video submissions will be accepted from March 14th through July 13th.

We are hoping you could share this program with your readers via your blog and/or email and continue to raise awareness for this chronic disease. We have included below a brief email you may use to help us get the word out about Words 4 MS, if you would like.

Email to your readers:

Will Never Stop Fighting

Still Full Of Hope

My Mom, My Hero

These are just a few examples of how to tell a story in four words about your personal experience with MS. Are there four inspiring, thought-provoking words that say how you feel, inspire you, or remind you of someone in your life who has helped you through your MS journey?

If so, MS LifeLines is asking you to share your story through video!

Through Words 4 MS, people living with MS or who have a loved one living with MS– like you – will be able to share their individual stories through video that might be revealed on www.mslifelines.com and other possible media outlets. We encourage you to submit a video that showcases how your life has been impacted by MS. Video submissions should follow the theme of Words 4 MS and include your personal, 10-second video depiction of how MS has impacted your lives using four words that describe this story (examples: Still Full of Hope, My Mom, My Hero).

We are asking you to help demonstrate how many people are touched by MS while also helping to raise awareness of this condition by sharing your four words today! Please visit www.mslifelines.com for the official guidelines and submission criteria.

MS LifeLines is an educational support service for people living with MS and their families. programs LifeLines is sponsored by EMD Serono, Inc. and Pfizer Inc.

Looking back to Look forward

2011-03-05T07:08:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been feeling some creative inspiration again and I have been looking back at old poetry and journals I wrote at age 23. I found a couple of interesting things. Many things are the same and many are different. Many of the images in my writing are still the same. I still love to be dramatic, and I still am in love with the idea of love :)

I also see the way life has changed. Every day is not a drama. The hard days are not as hard. One of the benefits of age is that it lends perspective. There are still hard days but I guess now I know that the good also comes with the bad. While one day may be a trial, the pain passes quickly and great moments can follow right behind tough ones. Since this blog is "Living with MS!" let me state that I have found these observations to hold true after living almost three years with this diagnoses.

One observation I can share with the newly diagnosed (with relapsing remitting) is that relapses do have an end. Sometimes when you think that some function is irrecoverable, it comes back. It is also easy to get lost in the idea that it's all downhill from the time of diagnoses. Not true: the course of this disease is different for everyone.

My first year was the hardest physically and mentally. At age 34, I am in the best physical condition I have been in since about age 16. I practice yoga every day and physically, I can run circles around my 16 year old students. I have enough perspective on the disease at this point to know that this could also change at any time, but this knowledge is also a gift. When you truly face your mortality and realize that things could change at any time, it makes you value each day of health even more.

Joy is often about valuing what you have, not morning what you have lost or could lose.

A long overdue ramble

2011-02-28T15:41:00.000-08:00

This blog used to be home to me. I poured out any and everything, no holds barred. Then I got divorced and some things just did not seem appropriate or necessary for public consumption, but now it seems like enough time has passed, and I feel like rambling a bit.

It has also been a really long time since I found an afternoon to myself where I didn't need to work or just rest because I was totally exhausted. Today it is beautiful outside and I smell spring on the horizon. I came home, stretched, and actually went for a run. I ran a whole mile without stopping and I enjoyed it.

It is only 4:45, still light out and I have already finished working and have the evening before me. This feels really good.

There has been a lot of change in my life lately and I think many opportunities for growth. Come Friday, I will finally have sold my house. I have moved into a 1/2 duplex with my friend, my two cats and her three bunnies. The place is coming together and we are really happy here in our new neighborhood.

I also recently ended a relationship and find myself totally single again for the first time in over ten years. It's strange, but I also welcome the possibilities. I am enjoying making my own plans and not always running them through a mental filter regarding how they might effect someone else. Today I am asking myself, "If I could design the perfect (LOL) mate, what would they be like?

Design a Date by Denver Refashionista

SWF seeks friend, companion and lover for:
yoga, walks, intellectual stimulation, a dose of honesty, great chemistry, Saturday night date, coffee, dinner, travel, a few nights out, fun, humor...

Honestly, I'm really thinking about what is important to me in a companion. I know that they should be attractive to me but they don't have to be attractive in a conventional way. I know I want someone to laugh with. I want a great physical, spiritual and mental connection. I must have someone who accepts me for me, rather than trying to make me into something else. I want someone who is not afraid of the MS and the huge amounts of sleep I crave. I want someone who has their own passions, who is comfortable being alone but also likes to be together without being needy. I would like to have someone who is physically fit and active but who is also ok with chilling. I want someone who is intelligent and well-educated. I would like them to be between 27 and 50. I want them to have their own career and income. As my sister would say, "I want them to have their shit together." I also want them to be a grown up. I do not want to raise anyone up as my mate. I don't care what gender they are as long as we have chemistry. I still don't know for certain whether I want kids, so they should be willing to entertain the possibility, but not be set one way or another.

Does this nearly perfect individual exist? If you are this person, please send me your resume, a photo and a copy of your most recent pay stub (LOL)

Inspirational video

2011-02-27T07:52:00.000-08:00

One of my readers just sent me this video about a man my age diagnosed with MS. While his story does not seem all that extraordinary to me, (it being a lot like many of ours) I really like his outlook: the idea that each day is precious and must be lived to its fullest.

Check it out

http://byutv.org/watch/2151-203

Youth and MS

2010-12-31T11:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I got a comment from a reader stating that she was diagnosed at age 13. I just checked out her blog and was impressed by her mission to create an MS forum for the increasing, juvenile MS population. Please check out her site and send her your support.

Nadja

Guest Post by Keith Hoffeild

2010-12-28T09:44:00.000-08:00

Those who have MS can find it difficult to have hope in their lives. Suffering from a disease which has no known cure is something that is incredibly difficult, but it is always important to have have hope for the future. A new year is fast approaching and with it, there are promising new drugs and treatments being introduced which will make life far easier for those who are suffering with MS. 2011 shows signs of being an excellent year, as two new forms of MS treatment are being released at some point in the coming year.

The first MS treatment to consist of a ingested pill is due to become available at some point in 2011. There are two versions of the pill, developed by competing pharmaceutical companies. Fingolimod is the name of the pill developed by the company Novartis. This pill is taken once a day. Cladribine, developed by the company Merck, is another treatment of MS in the form of a pill. The pill is taken in a course, with typically forty pills taken through the year. Cladribine already sees use in cancer treatment, but only recently have researchers discovered the treatment can be used for sufferers of intermittent MS.

Each of the two drugs have been subjected to studies at the University of London, and have both shown promising results. The current treatments for multiple sclerosis are injected into the body. These injections can be painful and produce undesirable side effects. Also, these injections are expensive and time consuming, as many injections are needed throughout the year. Cladribine was used in a study involving 1,300 MS patients, and the results showed that those who received the pill were approximately 56% less likely to have a relapse than those who did not. Fingolimod was used in a study which involved 1,033 patients, and the rate of relapse occurrences in those who received the pill was reduced by about 60%. The professor who oversaw the cladribine study did concede that not much was known about the long term effects of these medications, which may be a future issue.

Both of these drugs were able to reduce MS progress in a third of all patients, effectively stalling the disease. Unlike the intravenous treatments such as betaseron, and avonex, patients treated with these pills experienced no negative side effects whatsoever. The MS Society claims to be trying its utmost in making these pills available to MS sufferers as soon as possible. With such promising steps being made in the treatment of MS, and other diseases which plague mankind, online schools for medical are available for those who want to help the fight against these dreadful illnesses, but cannot find the time to attend classes.

Studies are currently being undergone to determine if vitamin D can be used as a method of MS prevention. It is believed vitamin D plays a role in the pathogenesis of MS, which is why there is a possibility it may lead to some form of treatment. One study has reported that low dose naltrexone has shown positive effects on MS patients, but no further evidence has been released since then.

Not only are new methods of treatment being developed and introduced, but new forms of diagnosis are being researched for implementation. Multiple sclerosis is very difficult to diagnose due to the many symptoms that the disease can cause. Some patients present completely different symptoms, making clinical diagnosis nearly impossible. Anti-myelin anti-bodies are being studied in order to determine if they can be used as biomarkers of the disease, but little success has been reported from the studies thus far.

Bio: Keith Hoffield has a degree in biology a a minor in creative writing. He loves to share his knowledge by working with onlineschools.org

What a Difference a Year Can Make

2010-12-12T07:16:00.000-08:00

I was just reading over the blog entry I wrote for my birthday last year as I reflect on where I am today (on my birthday again). While most of my physical circumstances (job/s, domicile, relationship status etc) are the same, I feel very different.

At this time last year I was physically and mentally exhausted. My life felt bleak and lonely and I was almost always anxious. I was in a really bad place.

Things have really changed. True, I'm still tired and I still work all the time but I don't feel overcome by my life. When I wake up every day, I don't feel like I can't face the day. I don't dread my job or even the work I have to do on the weekend. I am not lonely anymore and I am not worried about my finances. For the first time in several years, I don't feel an urge to look for a new job.

I still don't get out all the much, but now when I do, it's because I want to and not out of a sense of obligation. My life at home is much better too. I have a roommate and my cats to keep me company, and my new kitten is like the child I never had (much less work but tons of love and companionship).

To sum it all up, I feel good. Now, off to enjoy the day :)

Research

2010-10-25T16:00:00.000-07:00

My roommate is currently doing some research on a couple of issues related to MS and I am seeking my reader's help to complete her study. Please post a response to the following questions ASAP if you can and/or are willing.

1) What age were you diagnosed at?
2) What state were you living in at the time your were diagnosed?

Thanks so much,

Nadja

My little star

2010-10-04T16:11:00.000-07:00

Well the kitten is a hit.

She is now about ten weeks old.

My nephew named her Anabeth before I met her so that's her name at the vet. My sister calls her "Baby Racoon." I have named her Teacup "TC" because she was teacup-size when I got her. In the picture she is in front of my roommate's bunny cage with my other cat Apollo. The bunny in the picture is named "Friendly."

After a long hiatus...

2010-10-03T08:01:00.000-07:00

I thought I would swing by my own blog to see what was happening. Apparently some people are still reading this thing (LOL).

Life's good but I have been very busy for quite some time. I would like to say that I have been off writing the next Great American Novel or travelling around the world but I have just been working all the time.

Luckily, I am enjoying the school year. I am teaching fun classes and creating new curriculum. I have a new boss and generally better (or at least nicer) students this year.

A few weeks ago I got a reminder to slow down because I had my first exacerbation in over a year. I had to do a large dose of Prednisone (500 mg a day for 4 days). When I was done my vision cleared up but the steroid withdrawal also made me sick. Between the exacerbation and the steroids I had about two weeks of skull pain, vertigo and nausea but I was able to keep up with my life by just resting more. Now I feel good again!

This was a good learning experience. It reminded me not to push too hard and to draw some boundaries with work. I am coming home sooner after work to rest. I am still doing some work at home but I'm not spending as much time under florescent light and that really helps. I have noticed that the lights make me feel much worse. I have also been creating systems so I can work more quickly and efficiently. Best of all, I am just slowing myself down by pausing to breath and meditate.

I have fallen madly in love (with my kitten). She gives me a reason to come home and a reason to lay around in bed so we can play. She makes me smile.

Taking a quick break from work

2010-09-01T16:15:00.000-07:00

Life is A-Ok but I have been working an insane amount. At the moment, I'm taking five minutes out to let anyone who reads this know that I'm healthy and well. I hope to be back soon for a more in-depth update.

Personal Wellness Plan

2010-07-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

I do not think there is a one size fits all plan for dealing with injury, chronic illness or disease. This is merely the humble opinion of one person diagnosed with a chronic illness but it makes sense to me. My own experience is purely in the realm of living with MS, but I still think that each individual has to find their own formula to health, a sort of a personal wellness plan.

It has taken me a few years to get my own plan figured out. The process was one of trial and error. The first year after my diagnosis, I felt ill and exhausted a lot of the time. About a year and a half into things, the MS seemed to be progressing as evidenced by my MRI. The results of last summer's MRI motivated me to take some action. Until that point, I had not stuck to any drastic diet changes and I had not committed to a medication. I wanted to make some more informed choices so I did two things. First, I researched DMDs (Disease Modifying Drugs) a bit more, and then I also ordered extensive genetic testing to see if food allergies might be contributing to my symptoms.

I won't claim that my DMD research was particularly scientific, but it fit my personal style. I put a set of queries on this blog and out through emails to other people with MS where I asked about personal experiences with the drugs. Frankly, I was most interested in the unique experiences of the users. I wanted to hear about side-effects and how taking the DMDs effected people's day-to-day life. After looking through all the responses to my questions, I chose Copaxone because I felt it fit my lifestyle best. I wanted a drug with minimal side-effects that would hopefully allow me to make it to work every day. This proved to be a good choice for me because my only issue has been site reactions, and these have not had a major effect on my daily life. My most recent MRI showed no new lesions and a small decrease in activity on the left side of my brain.

The genetic testing involved a few steps. I ordered some of the tests online from a place called Entero Lab. I had to send in a cheek swab and a stool sample for this. They tested for soy, gluten, yeast, egg and dairy allergies. I also went to my acupuncturist and he did a blood test that we sent in.

The results from my genetic testing indicated an allergy to gluten and possible sensitivity to soy and yeast. The lab also suggested that I give up eggs and dairy because of my autoimmune disorder. This suggestion was later amended by my acupuncturist because I did not show a significant allergy to these things but rather, I was on the high end of normal. My acupuncturist said to eat these things in minimal amounts. I have tried to do this. One thing I did was switching to mainly goat cheese.

My blood tests indicated some other additional areas to watch. I was cautioned to stay away from most beans. I was also allergic to tuna and garlic.

Both sets of tests seemed to indicate that gluten was my biggest problem. At the time, I was vegetarian and relied heavily on gluten, soy, dairy and beans for my protein. I decided to cut all of these items out of my diet and to try eating meat again. It was hard at first, but now I am accustomed to my new diet. I think the hardest thing to give up was the gluten.

I cannot say for sure what changes have made the difference, but about a month after I started Copaxone, and a few weeks after I changed my diet, my daily migraines began to taper. This year I have felt much better then last year, so I am sticking to a few simple things.

My personal wellness plan is pretty simple. I get plenty of sleep. I try to carve time out of every day to meditate, do yoga or take a little mental break. I get regular exercise through my yoga practice. I try not to eat foods with soy or gluten, and now I eat some meat. I take my copaxone and I try not to take many other medications. This summer, I am mostly staying away from caffeine. During the school year, I will have some to help me keep going instead of relying on other medications. I am hoping to keep my caffeine intake down this year as well. I don't spend a lot of time dwelling on my diagnosis and for the most part, I don't worry about what direction the MS will take. I try to make healthy choices but MS takes the back seat to living my life.

I won't claim that my plan will work for everyone but I will claim that everyone has to engage in some trial and error to find a plan that works for them. I think a good plan has to be flexible because circumstances change. Just because I have a plan that works for me today, I do not delude myself that this plan is set in stone. I will keep adjusting as things come up. I think that is all anyone can do.

Other things on my mind

2010-07-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

I used to be such a dedicated blog author and follower but lately my attention has fallen off. I have been writing, but mostly in my journal because I'm often even sick of hearing myself talk and write about the same things. As soon as I have something interesting to say, I am sure I will post something about it, but in the meantime...

I'm still trying to sell the house. I'm still job hunting. I did finally have an interview, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I have another interview next week but I'm not sure I am all that interested in the job so I'm hoping the first opportunity pans out.

I'm still doing and teaching a ton of yoga and on Sunday, I also got to teach an aerial yoga class again. Other than that, not much to report, but I'm glad to still have more summer break in front of me.

It is getting hot here now and I'm trying to keep cool but I can feel the heat sucking up my energy. I have been getting headaches again but so far, no more migraines (knock on wood). The heat does have adverse effects on me, but so far this has been nothing compared to last summer. My goal is to take it easy and stay relapse-free.

Today I am grateful for my generally good health.

Latest MRI and general update

2010-06-29T17:47:00.000-07:00

Great health news. My latest MRI came back and I have no new lesions and the ones on my left side are smaller. I guess something is working for me. Since I'm not sure what, I'll just stick with my new routine. I will continue with Copaxone. I will also stick with the diet I have been following since September. I now eat meat again but do not eat gluten or soy and I watch my dairy intake. Rest is a priority and I continue to get regular excercise with my yoga teaching and practice. Lately I have also been taking some vitamin D and a multi-vitamin but that is a new thing.

My summer has been pretty mellow but I have been teaching a ton of yoga. I am also still trying to sell my house. Yesterday we entered a new chapter of this process. I met with my ex and real estate team to start working toward a short sale. I am hoping the process goes smoothly and resolves in a timely matter. The whole sale thing has been stressful physically and financially and I am ready to wrap it up. I had intended to move and get a place with a friend but my ex wants us to keep paying for the house so I think my friend is going to move in. This is something I am looking forward to. Today I am grateful for the positive results of my MRI.

Update 6/15/10

2010-06-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

Settling in also brought on the lazy... It has been hard to get motivated to do much beyond what I have already committed to but I guess that is the good part of vacation, you do what you do, and then you save the rest for another day.

I have been writing a little bit for my yoga book and it's nice to be ahead of my classes and have something prepared. Ordinarily, I am scrambling at the last moment to pull my thoughts together, but now I am planning ahead a bit more.

I have been sorting through things in my house and trying to get motivated to finish packing up for when I can finally move. I am hoping to wrap things up with my house sale soon and to be out by, or before, the end of summer. I am also searching for a deal on a new computer because mine is hardly functioning anymore and is threatening to give up the ghost soon. I have my fingers crossed that it makes it.

Today I finally downloaded the pictures I took on a recent trip to the Denver Botanic Gardens, so I am also entertaining ideas of doing some sketching or painting. The rest of my time I have spent searching and applying for jobs, cleaning house, gardening, lounging around and doing yoga. I have been practicing more yoga this summer than I have in a while which creates a nice balance between teaching and my own yoga. Overall, things have been pretty mellow. I notice that the idea of doing much makes me rather anxious and discontent so I guess I really need to value this break and to become as relaxed as possible before I need to move and/or start work again.

I am grateful for my summer vacation.

Settling In

2010-06-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

I am beginning to adjust. Today I was driving to work at the yoga studio and I found myself smiling for no reason. I felt happy and it was not because I was forcing myself to think positive or trying to tell myself I should be happy. I just was!

I think I may be relaxing. I have been focusing my yoga teaching on balance. I'm trying to bring some of that balance into my own life-- a healthy balance of taking care of a few things every day and just enjoying myself and chilling out. It feels good.

Today I am grateful to just feel good.

Adjusting

2010-06-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

Now that vacation is finally here, I notice that I am still adjusting. I am finding it a bit hard to just relax after being continually on the go and I am feeling a bit agitated. I hope a few more days of vacation will help me just start to chill out.

I have started a journal and I am hoping that it will be a useful tool for sorting out the millions of thoughts spinning through my mind. I am hoping if I can just purge some of the excess in my head that I can calm down a bit, and find a way to be present.

So far the break has been pretty mellow. It is only me that has not slowed down. I have had some nice time with friends and family and I hope to continue in that vein in the next few weeks. I also am getting to do a bit of reading just for fun and that is really nice.

I have been feeling a bit fatigued and the heat is bothering me a little, but overall, my health remains good. Today I am grateful for this chance to kick back and rest. Tomorrow will actually be the first day where I do not have to work at all because I have still been at one of my yoga jobs every day since school ended.

May Summer Bring the Change

2010-05-27T19:03:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day with students. Tomorrow is my last day of this school year. I'm working on my own mental crap and I'm hoping that summer vacation gives me just the boost I need.

We create our own suffering a good deal of the time. I am ready to let mine go and to just start feeling good.

I am grateful for the break. May this time heal all within me that needs healing so that I can begin looking out rather than always at my own survival.

Adult Growing Pains

2010-05-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

Friends, family and even near strangers keep reassuring me that a great deal of learning and growth can come from tough times. I sure hope so. I'm trying to pay attention to things that come my way and to learn from them but it is hard not to feel impatient. I keep dreaming of my own magic wand that I can just wave to give me all the answers I need and to make everything clear and right. I know this is not going to happen but it has not stopped me from wishing...

I have been struggling a lot with poor self-confidence. I feel directionless in uncharted seas, and I long for something or someone to hang onto, but I know this is a journey I must chart alone. It is clear to me that I can hardly stand to be without a master plan, but I dare not create one without knowing what I really want. Honestly, I don't know what I want. I have been feeling so tired. I can't tell if this is MS or just all my attempts to figure things out. I feel scattered too, so my fatigue and seeming inability to focus is driving me a little nuts. I would love to just lie down and sleep for a few days. Maybe I could even have some really illuminating dreams. Will I figure some stuff out once I hit my summer break and rest a little? I keep hoping that will take care of things but think it may take more.

I did decide to find a new therapist since I have not had one in some time, but I could not even get an appointment until late June. Being the impatient sort I am, I want help now.

I do feel a bit better than I have the last few months, but I still feel unsettled. Angst about the future is pacing the corners of my mind. I am not in constant anxiety, but I can't help remembering that I can't put off decisions about my house and my job forever. I recognize that avoidance can be a good temporary coping mechanism, but it is not getting to the root of what is troubling me. Thank God for the present. Being present helps keep me sane but I want to be able to think beyond today without fear and fear is controlling me far more than I would like.

Today I am grateful for everything that I have-- my comforts, my loved ones and my health.

Today

2010-05-09T18:16:00.000-07:00

Right now,
Only right now,
At this second I can breath--

Sometimes I just can step back for an instant,
And for that instant,
Things are simple.

I wonder that I ever panic,
Yet I often awake,
My heart racing, with dread I cannot explain.

Wondering how I entered the nightmare
Wondering how to escape
Struggling to see the other side of realities I want to deny.

Then I seperate from that reality for a moment,
Like now
And I wonder what all the fuss was.

How do I retain this vantage point?
This glimpse outside
Crushing, consuming darkness--

I don't feel like I have a disease
But I feel diseased
Longing to always have perspective.

I Long to remember,
That soon
Even this current phase will pass.

Quick update 4-29

2010-04-29T17:26:00.000-07:00

I just got home after another very long day so I must keep this brief. Sadly, I go to bed around 7:30 or 8:00 when I can so that I have enough steam to get through my day...

The house deal fell through so I'm back to square one. Fortunately, I did not sign a lease so there were no major financial losses and hopefully a better deal, with better timing will come my way soon. Right now, I just want to get through this school year and start looking ahead. Also for now, one day at a time. I have much to reflect on and I am going to try to be patient and to have compassion on myself.

Today I am grateful for the health and finances to take my time deciding what to do next...

I'll be back

2010-04-26T17:37:00.000-07:00

I have not been in blogland for a while and I am only going to stay a moment. I am ok and things may be looking up a little. Seems like the house is sold and I'll go sign a lease on a new place tomorrow. The move is a little stressful but I'm also getting kind of excited. Maybe there is some good, new thing close on the horizon. Vaction is only a little over a month away!

Oh, the 23rd was the two year anniversay of my diagnoses. I actually forgot until today. I can't complain.

Today I am thankful that after two years my health seems good (knock on wood).

My Favorite Things

2010-04-10T17:32:00.000-07:00

I have been neglecting the blog. Working out my mental crap here is a bit of an indulgence, perhpas an indulgence better denied, but still alluring.

I got out of town for a week. I would like to claim I have learned the meaning of life and that I feel rejuvenated, but I think the opposite may be true in many ways. Vacation had its moments (don't get me wrong) but it also revealed to me that I have a lot of work to do in my current situation. I need to find ways to feel happy living the life I have in front of me, not in a temporary escape. A hard lesson, but a good one.

So here I am, back at home, trying to unearth my mind from the fog I have allowed to claim it. It's not easy. I have been trying to find a way free from my own discontent for some time, but I have had little success. I keep waiting for external things to change, instead of addressing the internal things that allow me to react adversely to my circumstances. Sometimes I feel like I'm wading through thick mud. I don't think this is one of those things that's just going to fix itself, rather, transformation is something I need to give some active effort, so right now I'm trying to remember my favorite things. Ok, I'm doing that, but I'm also just trying to work things out in my head.

I love music. Yoga brings me a joy that little else does. The spring inspires me. Writing fulfills and inspires me. Dance is an amazing gift. My current good health is also an amazing gift. Here I am, two years with MS, and I can get my body to do just about everything I might dream of doing. That is something never to be taken for granted.

I enjoy connecting with others, when it feels really genuine and meaningful. I still love teaching ( the way it feels when I actually touch a student's life and make a difference). Loneliness sometimes haunts me, but I love my independence. Sometimes home ownership is a burden, but I love my home, caring for my home and knowing that I can take care of myself. I love to feel strong: physically, emotionally and mentally.

I love sunshine, but I also love the sound of rain outside my window. I love art, film and my own creative pursuits. My blogs also bring me joy. I love my family, my friends and my cat. Perhaps oddly, I am comforted by routine and somewhat scared by change. I may cry and moan about it constantly, but I also think I am a little addicted to work. Does that make it one of my favorite things?

I like solitude. I like time to just sit and think but I feel guilty about doing nothing. I love free time, but I am sometimes tortured about how to use it. I write all this and see that this is not simple but I would like to believe that happiness itself is. I do, now to just let it claim me.

Dear blog, thanks for indulging this rather confused rant. Today I am grateful for life itself, challenges and all.

Vacation around the corner

2010-03-31T17:40:00.000-07:00

I cannot report that everything is suddenly peachy, but I'm feeling a little better at the moment than I have in a while. There are only two more days until vacation and my formal observation at work is over. I think it went ok but either way, I'm just relieved to have put it behind me.

I realized that part of why I have been feeling down a lot lately, is because I feel inadequate at my job. I also realize that I think about it constantly and try to think of ways to do things better. It may be time for me to ease off on myself a little. I wouldn't give my job all this thought if I didn't care about doing a good job for the kids.

I often find myself musing about a kid and wondering how I can help them be more successful. I may not always manage to make everything better, but I sure do try hard. I think I need to give myself a bit more credit. Sometimes I feel bad taking any breaks from work, but I think I actually do a better job when I find some balance, and it is not my every waking thought. I know I will work a lot during vacation, but I also hope to take a much-needed physical and mental break.

April and May promise to be very busy, but after break, there is only about seven weeks until the school year ends. I plan to spend my summer recharging a bit. I am going to teach some yoga for kids and hopefully get back to some creative pursuits like painting, writing poetry and refashioning. I am still hoping for some big life changes but if they don't come quickly, hopefully these breaks will give me the juice to approach things with new energy.

Today I am grateful for this moment of relaxation and contentment.

A sigh of relief

2010-03-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

I am just breathing a small sigh of relief because I decided to take this feed off facebook. Not that anyone can't read it here, but now they have to seek it out. I looked and saw I had 96 "friends" on facebook but the truth is, I hardly know many of those people and some of them are professional contacts. I have been having a rough time lately and I don't really feel like posting my innermost thoughts to facebook. At the same time, I also wanted to keep the integrity of this blog which has always been almost brutally hones.

It seems like lately, I need to force the right look onto my face and the right sort of state into my mind before I can leave home. I don't want to have to fake it, even in my own home. There are good moments. Sometimes I can unearth my mind from my anxieties about work and honestly, just survival, but that is not all the time and the pretending is exhausting.

Today is a "snow day," so I don't have to go to work, yet I find myself tortured still. Really, a day off is just a chance to do more work and I can't even bring myself to do it. I am just counting the days until spring break, but it is still over a week away. I know I should be finding a way to enjoy today but instead I just feel sad.

I know I should work, hunt for jobs or maybe even do something nice for myself but mostly, I am just fantasizing about going back to bed. My problem is not MS and not even real depression, but I feel buried. I can hardly slog myself to the surface and every day I just get through, I feel relieved for.

I am waiting to feel a shift but I feel too bogged down to create it myself. I don't pray, but I'm praying for relief right about now. Something has got to give right?

I always try to end my entries in gratitude but I just don't have today's thought. Maybe that says something about where I am at. I guess I am grateful that not all days seem quite as hard, so maybe tomorrow will be better.

More Creative Visualization

2010-03-17T18:31:00.000-07:00

Lately my focus has been almost entirely on working, and not really in a good way... While I struggle against the time constraints, and my own discontent, my mind is not idle. I'm trying not to dwell I want to look beyond this point in time which I find so challenging.

Now that I can feel the spring, I am trying to pull myself out of the mire and visual creative solutions to my problems. So far I am not having much success, but I am remembering how to visualize things that make me feel good. Call it escapism, but it does help a little.

There were a few moments today where I actually did visualize a different future for myself. It felt good. I think that I need to simplify my life. Now I just need to figure out exactly how to do this. I am not sure if I will make the changes myself, or if they will come to me, but my eyes are open and I'm going to continue to dream.

Not enough time or spoons

2010-03-04T17:29:00.000-08:00

I have been away from home for the last twelve hours for the third day in a row. Lately I feel so tired I would like to lay down on the hard floor at work and go to sleep but there is always something that needs to be done.

I don't socialize. I don't even get to things on facebook. I know people are sending me messages but I just don't have the time or energy to get there. It's 6:30and I will go to bed by 7:30 or 8:00 so I can stay awake at work all day. I just sat down about ten minutes ago and dinner still needs to be made. Where are my spoons?

I just want to sit here and stare into space but I know I need to eat. I'm wishing to postpone all other chores or even personal grooming until the morning but dragging myself out of bed early enough is a risky business too. I'm just so tired...

Update 2-22-10

2010-02-23T19:02:00.000-08:00

Not too much to report here. I'm back from a long weekend break. Aside from Spring Break, this may be my last one until the school year ends. I have my fingers crossed that I have a sick day or two saved, but I'm not sure. I am trying to wrap myself around the idea of working hard from here on out and staying healthy. My plan is to try for as much balance in my life as possible. I realize I have alot of stuff to do, but I am trying to find ways to break it all into manageable chunks so that I won't get sick or overwhelmed.

I think I am going to try doing just a bit of each extra task every day so that I don't get bored, frustrated or burnt out. Keeping my house clean for all the showings, as I try to sell it, is a major task unto itself. I'm going to try doing just a few minutes a day instead of large chunks here and there. I am also gearing up for the job hunt. So far, I have found several positions that look interesting, so my plan is to try just sending one application a day. Of course right now, the server on the site where I wanted to work is down, so I took the time to blog instead.

I am hoping that if I really plan and manage my time in this way, I will get less overwhelmed than I have been lately. It has been a bit of a rough winter. I'm not so much depressed, as I am discontented and overwhelmed. I have been having a lot of little melt downs. I think this is ok but I really don't want it to effect the times where I have to be out in public. A few tears at home when I'm tired is one thing, letting my students see me upset is another.

I am trying to look toward my future and decide what I most want, but I am very bogged down in my day-to-day survival at this point. I guess the good news is that I am surviving:) I felt a little sick over the weekend and I slept a ton but I have my fingers crossed that I am out of the woods now. Part of my balancing act means making sure that I continue to get plenty of sleep. I think that is key to staying physically and mentally healthy, so as I continue to take on a few more things and maintain what is already before me, I plan to still prioritize sleep above almost all else. I also continue to hope that as spring comes, the increase in light will perk me up and give me the energy to take care of the little extras I need to start slipping into my day.

Right now this is my plan for living, if not Living! Today I am grateful for the little things that make life worth living.

Thanks for your loyalty

2010-02-20T18:21:00.000-08:00

A quick apology to all my awesome "followers..." Sorry I have been so scarce lately. Life has a way of catching up with us at times and leaving us absolutely spun around. That certainly describes my life lately. I am finally taking a little R&R this weekend before I blow my health and my mind. I promise to be back soon with something witty, or at least something (LOL).

New MS Blog

2010-02-11T17:34:00.000-08:00

Debbie asked if I would add her blog to my page and her story intrigued me. Please check out her page and read her story.

Support Walk MS!

The unexpected

2010-02-09T18:20:00.000-08:00

Just a few moments to indulge in a guilty pleasure: blogging, before I get back to working. I have been working like a dog. The job is haunting my every waking hour and even some of my sleeping ones. This afternoon I took time out for a nap and had dreams that I was still checking on kids progress in my classroom. Ugh!

I got to the yoga studio and graded stack after stack of disheartening papers. Despite my best efforts, all my 10th graders completely flunked the test. Of course, passing did require actually reading the book... It was another hard day on the front lines and their work did not cheer me up. I kept asking, "Is it me?" Just when I was really down, I had a nice, unexpected surprise.

One of my yoga students walked in and said to me, "Don't doubt that every day you make a difference."

"I sure don't feel like it," I said.

She told me, "You should listen to your own words of wisdom. I was repeating what you said in class the other day on my way here. You said, 'You can either stress, or transistion with grace."

I guess I did say that. "I guess sometimes people are listening," I told her, "But I'm still a crappy classroom teacher."

"Hey, you also told me to "Doubt my doubts," she reminded me.

I did do that, didn't I? I'm glad to know that at least someone is listening when I teach:) My student is right. I really should take my own advice.

There are two things that really do help me. Since it seems at least someone listens, I will share. First, when I feel reluctance to face the next thing before me I remind myself. "You are ok right now and that is all that matters. Take things as they come, and you will be fine." The second thing I do is remind myself, "You can always try again tomorrow." That really helps too because then I can feel ok about whatever I think went poorly today. So as I near the end of another long day, I think, "I will try again tomorrow." All we can ever do is our best. I think I can live with that.

Today I am grateful to be fine right here and now, and to have the gift of tomorrow to try again.

Color me a different shade

2010-02-02T18:20:00.000-08:00

Sadly, I'm not even interesting to me anymore. I'm sick of sameness, sick of listening to myself mull over the same crap, sick of the job, sick of the routine and I'm still seeing little change on the horizon. I want to do something different, create something beautiful, but I seem stuck in blah. When I get a break from working, I feel either too physically, or too mentally drained, to do anything remotely exciting. I'm trying to accept that-- for now. I'm completely discontent thinking that this stagnation will last for long. I'm determined to claw my way out, do something that isn't work, sleep, or escape from thoughts of work.

I want to find something to look forward to besides my next nap (LOL). Maybe this is just winter blues. I can't say I'm trying hard to find it, but I'm looking for new opportunities to come my way. In the meantime, I'm trying for patience and something better than a tolerable existence. I see glimmers at times.

I did get out a few times this weekend. I went to aerial dance to practice on the fabric and hoop. That was cool. Yesterday, I actually went to a yoga class I didn't teach. Now, I hunger for the time and energy for greater adventure. My eyes are open. I just need some inspiration.

Today I am grateful that my largest complaint is lack of inspiration. I am truly grateful for the comfort of my existence:)

Work, Sleep, Repeat again

2010-01-26T17:39:00.000-08:00

Lately this is just about it... Work, sleep, repeat-- it does not leave much time for blogging either. Right now,I'm actually still working but I'm just watching the desk at the yoga studio, so it's pretty mellow. The last two days, I stayed at school late. Yesterday, I made parent calls for conferences this week until 5:00, then I drove home, ate and slept. Today I worked, went to a union meeting, worked some more and then came to the studio to work some more. Tomorrow I plan to go in early to meet with a student and then to work a bit more before the day officially starts. The hardest part, honestly, is getting myself out of bed. I can't seem to stop hitting snooze. Tomorrow I'll try to stop doing that and just get up. Maybe there will even be a nap in my afternoon forecast if I'm lucky. Maybe I won't even take work home.

Thursday, I'll spend all day in the salt mines from about 6:30 am until 8:30 pm, because we have parent/teacher conferences. I am dreading that long haul. Ever since my diagnosis, I have yet to make it through the day after conferences without being ill from fatigue. I am going to think positive since it seems I have been training for long days lately (LOL). I also just met another co-worker with MS, so I feel like I might have someone to commiserate with during tough times. She has had the disease for nine years and seems to be doing great. I think she is even busier than me, so I have a good model.

The good news is, I get a three day weekend. Of course, I'm working on Saturday. I am hoping it will be fun. I am presenting a yoga class at a diversity conference for teens. I'm not sure what to expect, but I have my fingers crossed that it will go well.

Sunday will be mostly about sleep. If I can get anything done during conferences, maybe I will work less this weekend. Last weekend, I worked at least eight hours on stuff for school, taught two yoga classes, and cleaned my house. I did watch about four episodes of "Dexter" while I worked. This made it all a little less painful. The rest of my time, I slept. I slept about twelve hours between Friday and Saturday, napped three hours on Saturday, slept another nine hours Saturday night and then took a two hour nap on Sunday. Many people with MS may be asking how I have been managing to do so much. Look how much I slept :) I admit that when I am working or commuting, I spend a lot of time fantasizing about my next nap.

Overall, I have been feeling decent, just tired, but I am having an irritating side-effect from my Copaxone. The lymph nodes under my arm and breast are swollen and hardened. I called Shared Solutions and they told me to call the doctor. Do you think I did? When I get a minute, I'll get right on that. Maybe tomorrow? I don't want him to suggest I try a new medication. I would like to stick with my Copaxone while I have to work all the time. It doesn't seem like too big a deal, so I am hoping the doctor will tell me to stay the course... Anybody else have this problem with their Copaxone? I know it's the drug, because when I took a few days off, the lymph nodes went back to normal and this side-effect is reported by some other folks on Copaxone.

These days, I'm trying to remain as positive and present as I can. I am truly just living one day at a time, but that keeps things more manageable.

Today I am thankful to have enough energy to maintain this schedule so far. I am also thankful to have the comforts that I am lucky enough to have.

Epiphany

2010-01-20T17:42:00.000-08:00

I thought I better write this down before I forget it (LOL). All my introspection seems to have paid off.

A few months ago, my mother repeated a question to me posed by her meditation teacher. The question was, "What is your true heart's desire?" I realized that the answer to this question is much more important than having a tangible dream. It gets at the essence of what we really want without all the problems caused by expectations (our own and those of others).

I know what my heart truly desires. Above all things I desire freedom.

I want the freedom to do whatever I might dream of doing. I want freedom from the constraints of fear. All my kicking and screaming is in direct protest to things that I see as impositions on my freedom. The irony is, in order to have certain freedoms, I have to give up other ones.

If I want the freedom from financial duress, I have to work. If I want independence and the ability to care for myself, I have to work and I have to find ways to take care of myself, even if they seem like impositions. In order to have freedom from home ownership, I have to take good care of my house so it will sell. Having seen these ironies, I resent these constraints on my freedom less. At the moment, they are the key to many of my freedoms.

If I can find the energy, I have the freedom to do what I want, almost whenever I want. It makes me somewhat giddy. Here I was feeling trapped, only to realize that for almost all freedoms, there is a price. I guess the question is whether it is worthwhile. I'm tired but something tells me that if I look at things through this new lens, they look a hell of a lot more beautiful than they did yesterday.

Today I am grateful for my freedoms. I must have freed things up a little since I have been blogging again:)

Teenager without the pimples

2010-01-19T16:45:00.000-08:00

I like the blog because it helps me travel light. I like the way it keeps me writing on a regular basis but at times I am unsure about it too. There are still the questions: what belongs on what blog? How much should I really say on this blog? Should I stick to the topic of MS? Does the "Living!" part in the title of the blog give me license to expand the topic? The truth is since it's my blog, I guess it can be anything I want... Hello obsessive stranger.

I'm in the midst of a round of angst. Do you ever really get over it? I suspect it's not just a teenager thing, but maybe I just spend too much time with adolescents, and it's rubbing off. My angst seems to cycle. Sometimes things just seem to flow along. I feel confident, certain of who I am and what I want. Then I flounder--

Audience awareness is stifling me here. I'm thinking, folks are sick of hearing me whine, maybe I should leave this post hidden in some drawer. I feel myself chickening out. I can't even write this here. Ok, I really can't. I'm going to hide this in the poetry blog and never speak of it again. Ok, I'm not, I prefer to be honest, critics be damned.

I feel trapped. I am always wanting change, seeking an existence that is more me but I am stuck in the same pattern of life again and again. There are bills and they must be paid. I have this almost unreasonable desire to disappear off the grid but I am mired in obligation. How will I pay for the car, the student loans, the house or even just for food? I keep dreaming of this bohemian life where I am a sort of travelling artist, performer, yoga teacher or perhaps even a circus star, but how do I reconcile these desires with being a grown up? Sometimes I really despise the life of a grown up. It's just not nearly all it was cracked up to be.

I somehow keep thinking that the older I get, the better I will have it figured out. So not true. I know less every day. I keep talking myself down with the reminder that the present is ok. This really works, try it. During the ten minutes I make myself believe this, I feel great. Too bad it isn't providing me with clues about the meaning of life--

I imagine that sooner than later, this spell will pass and I will be back to my optomistic, annoying self but I think I might take a little longer to wallow first. While this is uncomfortable, I have been spending a lot of time alone lately just thinking. Somehow, this doesn't seem like an entirely bad thing. I don't plan to be uncertain forever. I imagine that something may come of all the time I have been spending with my own thoughts. It seems hard for me to make big changes fast but when I make a change, I really make it.

Today I am grateful that my life is comfortable enough that I can waste an hour complaining (LOL). Seriously, I do feel better and I am grateful for what I have :)

Julie, Julia and Me

2010-01-17T13:13:00.000-08:00

I just finished watching the movie "Julie and Julia." It's not the kind of movie I would usually be compelled to rent, but one of my yoga students said to me, "You should really see this movie, it reminds me of you."

I was somewhat intrigued, so I finally sat down to watch the film. I think I understand now why the film was recommended to me. One, Julie (the main character) dreams of being a writer. Two, she gets her start as a blogger and three, she follows her passion as a guide to her art.

I find that I am by no means either Julie or Julia, but they did remind me of a few important things. If you love something, do it, even if you don't know where it will lead you. Making a dream reality does not necessarily happen overnight and you have to stick with the things you love, even when the reward is not immediately apparent. I guess you do the things you love, purely because you love them and not because you are seeking approval from someone else. Both ladies did seem to be working for approval, but there was also something else driving their efforts. I think that was their passion for the thing they loved; cooking.

I remember my own early blogging. I'm not entirely sure what compelled me to do it, but when I was really sick, and I was not sure what MS had in store for me, it felt like I was doing something. More importantly, blogging brought me back to one of the things I love. It brought me back to writing and it gave me a reason to write. I think I felt that I had a story worth telling. I also thought that maybe someone who needed my words would find them. I wrote for myself but I was never unaware of my audience. I guess the idea that I had an audience sometimes kept me writing when I might have stopped otherwise. Julie made some great points about following through. Maybe it does not really matter, but sometimes I feel best when I feel like I am doing something. I am still not sure why. I am learning to get over the idea that I am my accomplishments but when I have no goals in mind, I find myself adrift. Sometimes, I just feel like I need to produce in order to have a reason to get up every day. I long for free time but when it is before me, I am sometimes anxious in the not doing.

Passion does seem very important to me. I have a hard time getting excited about things I am not passionate about. Creating art and writing, inspires me. Yoga, dance and song, inspire me. It is my passions that carry me between the mundane tasks of life. While I long for free time, it is not free time I really want, it is time to pursue my passions.

I am trying to plot ways to balance my committments with my desires. It seemed to me that Julie lacked that balance, but Julia somehow had it. I'm trying to see my way to a life that is balanced, where I keep doing the things I love, but do not stress myself out trying to do too many things.

I had to remind myself earlier about having compassion on myself. It seems I can always tell a friend to take a break, but the minute I find myself under the weather or hanging out in bed, I feel guilty. I question the validity of my rest. I wonder if I am truly ill or just depressed. I find it so hard to take a break. I find it hard to justify the time I spend doing the things I want to do rather than the things I have to do. Again, I guess I am just seeking balance--

Reflection 1/16/10

2010-01-16T13:50:00.001-08:00

It has been so long since I even had a minute to think about blogging that I almost don't know where to begin. I'll start with the facts.

I have been super-busy since the beginning of the year. Actually, I have worked every day since January 2nd but the end is in sight. Monday, I have the day off from teaching school and teaching yoga. As I mentioned in December, this month I have a number of extra committments. Little Animals (yoga for ages 3-7) has kicked off successfully but teaching such young kids, is more than I bargained for. Luckily, I now have a plan and only two weeks left to go. I have also been subbing like crazy at the yoga studio and on Sunday, I also taught aerial yoga again.

Then there is my regular teaching job... This term is nuts. I teach three yoga classes in the morning. This is great but also very demanding physically. Today it seems to have caught up to me. I am completely exhausted and my whole body is aching.

I am currently teaching "intervention classes" all afternoon to kids who got Ds and Fs last term in Language Arts. Their major commonality is that they speak English as a Second Language but in other ways, they are a bit more diverse. Some of them are special education students. Some are good kids who just need help with English. There is another group with attendance issues and last but not least, the fabulous group of "behaviorally challenged" kids who make the whole process hell for everyone. Each day is a battle to get a word in edgewise. There are a few kids who never shut up. They can't seem to control the foul language spilling from their mouths or to stop sexually harassing people. I have been called "woman" twice, to which I snapped, "I do not belong to you and I am not your woman. Don't ever speak to a teacher that way..." Yesterday I had to kick a kid out for telling a girl to "Open her legs." Dios mio, where do these children come from?

Despite the insanity, I sometimes suspect that a few kids are learning in my room but none of us have been set up for success here. I am still wondering what my boss was thinking. It seems genius to throw all the struggling kids into one room, leave no supports or time for remediation and to expect us all to succeed. Then again, who am I to judge? So I keep trying my best, working more than I have in years and reminding myself that I have a mortgage to pay.

I have determined that there is no room in my life for MS at all. Any exacerbations that planned to visit will just have to wait because time off is out of the question. I am hanging on by thinking positive thoughts about my prognosis, sleeping whenever I can, trying to follow my diet and forcing myself to take my copaxone shot even when I want to hurl it out the window.

I realize that you can't will MS away but I figure I will just keep trucking as best I can for now. I won't dwell on what ifs? even when I feel sick like I do today. I will think positive thoughts about tomorrow. I will live in the moment, one day at a time reminding myself, "I am ok right now."

Sometimes I find myself complaining or fixated on the things in my life that are not working but I try to remember that it is a good life. There will be hard times and times when I can't do everything I want to because I am so busy surviving but the truth is, I live a comfortable life. Lately, I have been thinking about the people in Haiti and trying to send good thoughts their way. My troubles seem small when I compare my life to those of others, even those in my own city. I have a great deal to be grateful for.

Today I am grateful to live in a nice house, to be able to care for myself and to have loving people in my life.

I'd Rather be Blogging

2010-01-05T19:25:00.000-08:00

Perhaps some of you are wondering where I have gone. So busy, I can hardly think. January promises to be very hectic but I am still alive (LOL). I'll be back when some of the dust clears...

Nadja

Spirit of the Season

2009-12-24T15:45:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I wanted to say for my Karma Yoga class on Christmas day. I was not raised as a Christian but it seems to me, there is something to be remembered when we acknowledge Christmas. When I think of Christ, I think of love, not all the warped things done in his name or of the giant commercial holiday we so often associate with Christmas.

At the heart of Christ's teaching is the message that all beings are worthy in God's eyes. The humbleness of ones origins, ones profession and ones wealth having nothing to do with ones value in the universe. What really matters is what we make of our time on this earth and how we treat our fellow man. There is more to be gained in giving than in receiving. Christ said, "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven," so why not give freely of what we have to offer? That is Karma Yoga at its core.

The story of Christ whether it be myth, legend or fact teaches us to love and value our fellow man. It teaches us to look beyond the outward packaging at the light shining from those around us. The word Namaste is loosely associated with the phrase, "The light within me acknowledges the light in you." I believe that this was part of Christ's message as well: look beyond the exterior to find the beauty in others. When I think of Christmas in this light, it brings a smile to my face and a longing to my heart to give something to others and to bring them some of the comfort and joy that giving and teaching brings to me.

On this day which is at its core is about love, think of someone in your life or in the world who is struggling. Fill your mind's eye and heart with this person and send them some love.

Today I am grateful for all the beautiful people I have had the opportunity to know and care for.

This moment is good

2009-12-22T17:25:00.000-08:00

It's so easy to forget the beauty of our present with worries about the future. I am guilty as charged but I'm sitting here right now and thinking, "This moment is good."

Sometimes we seem to live in order to get from one event to the next but sometimes, the best of it all is right here in front of us if we pause to look at it.

I got off work Friday and found I was in a horrible mood, thinking about the work I still had to do during vacation. Also, I was fixated on the horrors at work I will go back to in January but the truth of the matter is, I don't even know what tomorrow may bring so I ought to enjoy this instant.

I teach and practice yoga almost daily but I still have to constantly remember this. All that truly matters in the end is seizing the opportunities in front of us and making the most of them. Our past is of little relevance and our future is uncertain so all that really matters right now is now!

At last...

2009-12-19T16:39:00.000-08:00

My winter vacation has begun, none too soon. I have been feeling achy and rather sick for the past 3 or 4 days and I am so glad to have a break. I think with a little rest I will soon back to my crazy, vivacious, blog writing persona (LOL).

I am staying home for the break but my brother is visiting and I have some fun family plans for the holidays so I'm sure to be entertained. I'm gearing up to teach a "karma yoga class" for Christmas. This class will be donation-based and the proceeds will go to Urban Peak, a center for homeless teens. I'm collecting cash and non-perishable food for the kids. There is no way I would rather spend my Christmas. I think there are already a half-dozen people signed up and I have raised at least sixty dollars from people who can't attend. I think in the end, I will be able to collect a sizeable donation. This is what Christmas is really about for me. I feel so honored to get to offer such a special class. I can hardly wait. I still want to write something new and to decide on some music but otherwise, I think I am ready.

Overall, this should be a mellow break interspersed with a lot of yoga. I have been teaching every day for almost two weeks straight now and Monday will actually be my first day off. This is probably good because the body does need a break now and then but knowing me, I'll go take a class anyway (gotta love that yoga).

Unfortunately, I had to bring some work home over break. Yesterday, this had me in an awful mood but now I am taking it in stride.

I also need to finish and edit the writing pieces for my graduate school application and get them out in early January. Hopefully it will all come together...

January promises to be very busy too. On top of my regular schedule with work and teaching yoga, I will offer a yoga workshop for little kids. It is called "Little Animals" and it should be a lot of fun. I am also presenting at a "Diversity Conference" at the end of January where I will be teaching yoga for teens. This seems like a great opportunity to network, get my name out and to meet some cool young people who will help keep me inspired about teaching (I hope).

Thankfully, all this is around the corner and I have plenty of time now to rest and recharge myself for all this activity. It's good that teachers get breaks frequently.

Today I am grateful for vacation and time with family.

If I didn't work...

2009-12-13T16:47:00.000-08:00

I have said it before and I am sure I will again, work cramps my style. Don't get me wrong... I don't mind working hard, I just like working hard at things that call to my soul. Probably, I could teach five yoga classes a day. I could write or paint for hours without complaint. Actually, I could even teach all day long every day like I do currently if my workplace felt like a better place to be. When the year started, I loved it for a short while but then things started to get really bad... Going to work sucks all the life and energy out of me. I actually used to like bringing work home. Now I dread it. Right now I am blogging to avoid the work I still need to do tonight (LOL). Anyway, I do long for more free time.

My biggest problem seems to be lack of energy. My schedule is busy but not like it was when I went to college and grad school. I just don't have the energy I used to. People will tell you that this comes with age. I imagine it does but I suspect that my lack of stamina is more due to MS. That's why I often wish for work that demands less of my full energy. Working the way I do now, there's nothing left. When I get home, I literally pass out if I can. It's so hard to even get back up to eat dinner. I am back in bed between 7:00 and 8:00 pm. I guess the good news is that I have made it this far working full-time so I still have my house :) The bad news is that I find little energy left for the things I want to do.

My birthday was yesterday and by 5:30 pm I was exhausted and ready for bed. I didn't really even do many things. I was in bed by 8:00 pm on a Saturday night and I slept until 7:30 am. Then I got up, ran a few errands, practiced and taught aerial yoga, went to the grocery store, ran a few other errands and came home. By 3:00 pm, I was back in bed for another two hours and now I am only up to work, eat and go back to bed. I did not write or paint all weekend and I am bummed...

I keep thinking that tomorrow maybe I will do some stuff after work but every time, I find myself so tired that I end up sleeping instead. I need more spoons. I am dreaming of the day I can cut my hours at work. I really hope my house sells soon so I can make this a reality. I think if I worked 3/4 time instead of full time at school that I would feel much better.

I am not having a pity party here but I am imagining the possibility of a life where I could prioritize being an artist over paying the bills. Don't we all--

Today I am grateful to have a full-time job, two part time jobs and several hobbies when many people are trying to just find a job at all. I do count my blessings...

Reality is what you make it...

2009-12-08T17:48:00.000-08:00

I went to a dharma talk last Thursday with yoga guru Amrit Desai. I was intrigued because he is one of the living legends of the yoga world and I was curious to see him in person.

While he made several good points, I thought his best one was regarding reality. He basically said that we create our reality, therefore our reactions to situations and people are really just our own ego-responses created by our personal perceptions. This is not a new or novel idea but being reminded of this point of view was good for me. I was again reminded that I really create most of my own suffering. Of course knowing this is the case and doing something about it, are different things entirely (LOL).

Work is really cramping my style. Or is it? I guess the answer must just lie in my reality. I keep thinking, "My boss hates me." Or does he? I keep wondering, "How much longer can I do this? Can I afford to quit anytime in the next eon?" Then I close my eyes, breathe and think, "I am not my job. This is only part of my life." Sometimes after a dark night of the soul, so to speak, I feel great, sometimes almost stupidly happy... I use my yoga and meditation to bring me back from the dark places, the negativity, the unproductive thoughts. I have adopted my grandmother (and Scarlett O'Hara's) attitude, "Why think about it today? I'll think about it tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day." I am hoping this keeps working because I have yet to adjust my reality to believe that my boss does not hate me or that my job is the most negative force in my existence.

Anyway... I may spend 40 or so hours a week at work and another 3 or 4 commuting but I am determined not to let it ruin my life. I am determined to think about it as little as possible when I am not there. I try to stay present but it is my looming vacation that helps me keep my sanity.

How does any of this relate to "Living! with MS?" Well maybe it does and maybe it doesn't but I imagine that our mind creates many of the conditions for our illness. While we cannot prevent all things with an unpredicatble disease like MS, we can control our reactions and our "realities." My reality can be, "I have MS and that limits what I can do" or it can be, "I have MS, so what?" Maybe I will slow down, rest more, be more mindful, think through the things I committ to doing but otherwise, nothing changes. My reality can be, "I have a migraine, might as well cancel all my plans," or it can be, "I have a migraine, I need to chill, and then also consider food or a nap depending on the situation." So I can block off my whole night to be laid up in pain or I can work with the pain and see if I can help it pass by relaxing and taking care of myself for a few hours. We cannot fully control our MS but we can control our realities as we cope with it.

Today I am grateful for the chance to shape my own reality even when it is a challenge.

MS and "The Art of Passing Time"

2009-12-05T17:03:00.000-08:00

Over ten years ago, I embarked on writing a series of poetry called "The Art of Passing Time" with my girlfiend at the time. We dreamed of creating an artsy, black and white film that conveyed our philosophy and ideas about relationships. She was the "idea man" and I was the writer. Over time, the project morphed into a poetry series and long after we parted ways, I kept writing the poems.

In a nutshell the art of passing time was as follows:
We are in a universe adrift,
Always seeking connections--
The only constant is change,
But we long to pause time,
Pause time, just breathe.
It is possible to connect with another human being
Without artifice or pretense.
Time can be borrowed and shared.
All that matters is the second we are in--
We take the instants we share and treasure them,
We do not try to possess the other,
The memories linger long after we part...

While these ramblings form the basis for the art of passing time, my vision of time has morphed as I have grown older and experienced more things. In yoga, I always ask my students to ground themselves in the present, to enjoy the moment. This is a personal journey. It's not about connecting, it's about enjoying this space in time, whatever it holds.

I think MS has fundamentally changed my view of time. Before I was sick, I never really recognized my own mortality. It seemed that I had forever to arrive at some phantom destination (usually an ego-driven, concrete goal). I would achieve my goal and then feel deflated. I was hounded by time, always trying to crowd more tasks into the day. I rarely stopped to breathe and I was really stressed out about time. In fact, I was obsessed. I would have given almost anything to freeze time...

Although haunted by time, I would never shrug off responsibilities to make more time for the things my heart yearned to do. MS irrevocably altered me. I almost died in the beginning... When this really hit me, everything became different. I found myself greeting the sun every day. I was teary-eyed in my gratitude to still be alive. I realized, and still do, that every additional day I live is a gift. This realization changed my whole attitude about time. I slowed way down. I took on fewer things. I took more time for myself. It took a long time to adjust but now I think I am better for it. Now, "The Art of Passing Time" has new significance for me.

I am reading a book called It is amazing. I almost feel like the author took all the ideas that have entered my head since my diagnosis and spilled them out onto paper. I have a renewed determination to finally finish and publish my poetry collection. I can feel my attitude towards time shifting. This comfort with time is bringing me new peace and I find my heart is full of joy.

Today I am grateful for my place in time.

self-censorship and the art of blogging

2009-12-02T09:38:00.000-08:00

I often wrestle with the question of how much I should censor my topics and observations on this blog. I never censor what I write on my other blogs but this one feeds to facebook and sometimes I am not sure how much of my life should be shared with all my fb "friends." Right now I am completing a divorce and this makes it tricky. I have this feeling that there are certain details of my divorce and my life now that it is not time to share. Sometimes this is hard because I have always been brutally honest on this blog but I think that showing some sensitivity in my content right now is the best course of action.

There are some things I can safely say here. Things are going well for me. I am sad that things did not turn out differently but I think they came out for the best ultimately. I know that I am still being judged by many former "friends" who never got my side of the story and who may or may not know the truth but that is ok. At the moment, my own peace of mind seems most important. I am finding that with greater peace and more time for myself, I am feeling better overall. My migraines are almost gone and those I do have, I know how to work with almost entirely without meds. I am still tired but now it is ok to go to bed when I want to.

Slowly, I am figuring out what I really want to do with my life. I am exploring new things and new ideas. I am feeling very creative. It has been fun to just go where my passions pull me and to not worry about results or perfection. I think this process is actually making me more creatively successful. I find myself dreaming of new goals. I have an enormous "bucket list" now. I also know I want to travel and explore new things.

MS does not dictate my plans. Marriage does not dictate my plans. My "job" does not dictate my plans. The only thing dictating my agenda now is my own need and desire and it feels great!

Today I am grateful for my renewed comfort in this skin.

Update 12/01/09

2009-12-01T09:25:00.000-08:00

Long time no write... I just got back from vacation yesterday and by the time I got home my spoons were already used up by travel. I ate and then fell asleep for three hours. Then I got up, did a few things and was back in bed by 8pm. I slept until 5:45am this morning. Now I feel rested and rejuvenated by vacation and all that sleep. Work is somehow a little less trying...

The next vacation is already in sight and I am starting to make plans. The next few weeks I plan to finish my writing and application for graduate school. I also am going to teach some extra yoga classes to make some money for the holidays etc... I think I can keep my stress minimal until the next big break.

My vacation was fabulous. I slept almost all day Saturday. The whole trip was one long culinary extravaganza. I even went to "all you can eat sushi" on Black Friday for the excellent price of $15.00. It must have been a special deal:) I got to spend some nice time with my mom and with some friends. Overall, it was a great vacation.

Today I am thankful for this feeling of rejuvenation.

Thanks-giving

2009-11-24T16:29:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for vacation.
I am thankful for vacation.
I am thankful for vacation.

It has arrived at last, none too soon I might add. Work has been very stressful and frankly, I am exhausted. I have been going to bed around 7 or 8pm every night and I still want a nap every day. I am hoping to catch up on my rest over break and to get some more energy to take me through until Christmas.

Right now, I am at the yoga studio but early in the morning, I am off to visit my mom in warm, sunny Arizona for five days. I am so glad to be getting out of town. I'm selling my house and it is constantly getting shown so I often do not have space when I want it. I am looking forward to interruption-free vacation.

Oh, by the way, check out this week's Carnival of MS Bloggers, I have a poem there.

Nadja

Aerial Yoga Teacher Training

2009-11-22T11:12:00.000-08:00

Today I completed my level one teacher training for aerial yoga. Come by and check out the pics on my Firebird Yoga blog.

After the darkness there is sunshine

2009-11-21T10:22:00.000-08:00

It seemed I dwelled in shadow. Work ended but the shadow it cast was long. I felt sick in my soul. How could a place that looks so nice from the distance be so cancerous inside? It seems to suck the very souls and humanity from those who enter its doors. I have seen horrors this year that I could hardly even have imagined. Yet I keep going back, to fight another day. I am not ready to give in and let apathy and negativity destroy a large part of my world.

I came home and let sleep obliterate all things. I awoke from the fog of an afternoon nap, still sick in my body and soul. I tried to forget but in the end, I just cried, and cried and cried. Then I slept again, awoke and cried another deluge that seemed unending. Then I slept again. Eleven hours later, I awoke and the sun was shining. I bounced from my bed singing, spent an hour on Wikipedia, studying and writing and then wrote about Nataraja, Lord of the dance, developed a yoga flow in his honor and went off to teach. Where yesterday there was only sorrow, today there is creativity and light.

I came home and wrote some poetry, posted this entry and now I'm off to take yoga from someone else. This should be fun!

Today I am grateful for the calm after the storm.

I dream of weekend

2009-11-19T17:45:00.000-08:00

It's almost all I can think about. One more day, one more day... My formal teaching observation is tomorrow but I am unconcerned, I just want it done and the work week to be over. No crazy weekend plans but I am ready to just lay around and chill out. Then, two days of work and five days off. I'm so ready--

Graduate School Part Deux

2009-11-15T14:39:00.000-08:00

I have decided I want to embark on another round of graduate school. This time I thought I would focus on the pursuit of a frivolous masters degree that will in no way serve a definitive career track (LOL). I now see that is the only way for me to do it. I have decided to apply for an online MFA in Creative Writing at Naropa in Boulder.

Today I looked over the application process. It is lengthy and involved and the suggested deadline is January 15th. Piece of Cake, right? Then I looked at what is involved. There is the ususal application and transcript stuff. There are the letters of recommendation and the two to four page essay and technology assessment. Still, not bad. What, 15 pages of poetry? I got it. 30 pages of fiction prose? Uh, oh. I write poetry but I usually write non-fiction, not fiction prose. What the heck will I write about?

At first I thought, "What am I getting into?" I became fearful that I would not measure up at all. I didn't know what to write. I decided to tackle the essay first. It got easier as I wrote. Five and a half pages later and I was done. Now to edit. That was harder. I needed most of what was there. Then I had a brilliant idea, adjust the font size. Snap, now I have three and a half pages. I think it will work.

The poetry just needs compiling and editing. Now, the 30 pages of fiction. I got the suggestion that I write historical fiction. Great idea, I think I can make that work. What topic? That's hard. I need an interesting woman to write about, someone who's inner life I can really imagine. I was taking a walk and it hit me... Now I know what I will write and so the story begins--

Today I am grateful for this challenge opportunity to stretch myself creatively.

In case the Spoon Theory fails you...

2009-11-14T09:55:00.001-08:00

Joan from a Short in the Cord just sent this great link to me. It is the Spoon Theory for all the lushes in your life. I love the Spoon Theory but The Beer Theory really works for me. Check it out!

All the Blogs are Updated!

2009-11-10T18:19:00.000-08:00

It was a long and busy weekend. Really, busier than I hoped for but good. I have just finished updating all four of my blogs so drop by and check out my latest work.

Be sure to check out Poems from the Blue Plane and get smothered by love. Denver Refashionista offers advice on "Age and occasion appropriate dress" this week. My Firebird Yoga site offers a rationale for "Pushing in Yoga."

While you're browsing, be sure to visit the sites of some of my "Followers" on this blog. It's also worthwhile to check out all the links to great blogs featured on this page. Wherever your surfing my take you, "Calabunga dude!"

Walk MS Rewind

2009-11-07T14:52:00.000-08:00

Last year was the first year I participated in Walk MS. It was a great experience and my ex and I raised about $850.00. This year I am excited to be helping out again...

A few months ago I participated in a photo shoot for the walk at a request from my care manager at the MS Socity. Today I ran into the woman who posed as my "mom" in the shoot and she informed me that my photo was featured in the campaign for the 2010walk. Wow, I am humbled to be this year's face. Anyway, I guess I am in the brochure and my photo is on page four of this month's "Momentum". Crazy... I am truly honored to "represent" for this community.

Denver Refashionista
Nadja Tizer

Neurologist Visit 11/03/09

2009-11-03T18:18:00.000-08:00

I went to the neurologist today for the first time in a year. The visit went very well. He says I passed all the "tests" and that the yoga is working for me. He also said I do not need another MRI for a while unless I change medications but that so far, the Copaxone seems to be working well for me. Unfortunately, he is retiring but he gave me a referral so I feel satisfied.

I have still been feeling a bit strange lately but we think it is a potential UTI, rather than an exacerbation. My symptoms include, back pain, abdominal cramping, urgency, inflammation, full body soreness, painful joints, dizziness, nausea and blurred vision but the biggest issue does seem to be the back pain and urgency, so I think we have nailed it down. I should know by tomorrow and if we are right, I can start antibiotics or whatever he suggests. If it is not, he will send me to a specialist. Either way, I am optimistic that relief is on the way.

Today I am grateful that my appointment went so well. Next Tuesday, female doctor, week after neuro opthamologist (is that how it's spelled?) and then on with my life. Yay!

Snow Day

2009-10-29T16:57:00.000-07:00

The snow is still falling and my snow day has been everything I hoped for. I slept like 12 hours, took a nap, had a bubble bath and generally relaxed. I even watched my favorite soap. I could get used to this... I am hoping that it clears up soon because I have exciting weekend plans but I have really enjoyed this storm.

Tomorrow we have professional development at work so there are no kids! It should be quick and mellow and then I am off for weekend adventures. I have my costume and I can't wait. I am also taking Monday off work so next week will also be short. The week after I think I also have Monday off so there will be lots of time for R&R.

I am watching the news and they are forecasting a weather clearing tomorrow. Things are generally looking up.

Today I am thankful for my relaxing snow day.

Sometimes MS cramps my style

2009-10-27T17:35:00.000-07:00

I decided a few months ago that I was no longer going to live my life as though I had MS. It has been great. I make plans and don't worry about my spoon quotient. I don't question if I can make committments or take on challenges. I just do. It has been life-changing. I have been feeling good and I still believe that much of our physical state can be attributed to our mental and emotional one. However; MS does put a kink into the equation at times.

Lately it has been cramping my style a bit. While I have still been doing everything I planned, it is with less than my usual energy. I am exhausted, the MS kind of tired where you sleep forever and still don't feel fully rested. This sleep comes on in a dizzying, nauseating cloud that wipes away everything else. I fall down the rabbit hole for thoughtless hours full of strange dreams and hallucinations. The migraines are back. I have been fighting them with Midrin and Meloxicam. It seems my body is inflamed. I have been taking the Meloxicam to try to fight the pain. My joints ache. Everything is creaking. My neck has been especially bad. I keep fearing I will throw up and my vision has been on the blink. This is really a pain in the butt.

I know MSers, your thinking I need steroids. Ok, maybe I do but I just had some a few months ago and I am hesitant to rush down that road of crazy with any haste. I am trying to eat well, rest plenty and keep taking the Meloxicam. I am hoping this set of remedies will do the trick.

At the moment, I am still working and driving so that is a good sign. If either of these things go by the wayside, I will get in touch with my neurologist with haste. Right at the moment, I feel the best I have all day so I am optomistic. We are getting hit by a storm front so maybe they will cancel school tomorrow or the next day. That would suit me. I could lay around in my PJs, eat, nap and watch movies. It would be perfect!

Today I am grateful I have not yet entirely succumbed to the latest bout of symptoms :)

Chronicles in the life of an urban adventurer

2009-10-25T17:29:00.000-07:00

Where can I find the time to write? I'm so freakin' busy, sometimes in a good way, sometimes not but definitely occupied.

I'm making plans-- lots of them. I finally know my next steps. I'm going to get another masters degree. To be exact, I want to get a masters in fine arts with an emphasis in creative writing. I want to stay in Denver and apply to Naropa. I want to keep teaching at Harmony Yoga. As to the rest, I trust it will fall into place.

So back to the chronicles of an urban adventurer. I have been having adventures aplenty. Some of them have involved, swinging from a suspended trapeze, hanging upside down off a giant hoop-- five feet off the ground and wrapping myself in aerial fabric (tissue)and moving through a set of choreographed moves. I have been having the less-intriguing adventures of an urban, public school teacher at an "awesome" high school where I don my cape daily in order to pound edumacation into the brains of youngsters. I'm the "hall sweep" queen, bringing terror to the hearts of youngsters who are tardy for class. I continue to seek liberation from my current post but I'm still waiting to hear back on my latest transfer application to another school.

Yoga is at the center of my existence, thank the goddess. It keeps me sane and content. I have been teaching pretty much every day. The only drawback is that I have not had much time to attend anyone else's class. Perhaps one day soon I will.

Mixed in with all the craziness, I have still found time for my 8-14 hours of sleep a day. How do I do it? It takes discipline (LOL). My time is spoken for but I have made it my bitch... I'm caught in the adventur, yet I am still bored and underchallenged. I can see the next adventur near on the horizon and I am ready!

The Joys of Solitude

2009-10-19T09:44:00.000-07:00

One might think that with divorce and the fact that many of my old friends won't talk to me that I would be sad or lonely. This is not the case. I am celebrating my solitude, in fact, I crave it. Today I am at work but I wish I were home reading, studying, painting and writing poetry. I can't wait for the day to end so I can be alone again.

Being alone is like oxygen for me. It is in my solitude that I find creativity and strength. I need the time to recharge and rejuvenate.

I love teaching. I love to teach school and to teach yoga but in order to do it from the purest place, I must find time to be alone.

Yesterday I spent the whole day alone. It was amazing! Now I want more. Tonight I teach yoga but I imagine that there is more time alone in my future.

Today I am grateful for the time I get to spend alone.

Update 10/16/09

2009-10-16T09:30:00.000-07:00

Things are good. I'm happy. I feel creative. Generally I am unperturbed by the convolutions of the world outside me. There are many problems at work but I am not allowing them to trouble me unduly.

I have been reminded that suffering is caused only by our reactions to external situations. If we do not allow them to trouble us, then we need not suffer. This is why I feel good internally and emotionally.

Physically I still feel good overall but the last few days have been rough. It is a bad time of month and that often makes my body very inflamed. The inflammation makes me feel ill. I have been taking anti-inflammatory medication and migraine pills regularly. I know that this will pass soon but it is a drag. Last night, I woke up to cramps so bad that they jolted me out of sleep. It took me an hour for the meds to kick in so I could sleep again. Incidentally, I am a bit exhausted from my midnight awakenings.

Despite the physical discomfort, my spirits are good. Thank goodness it's Friday. I anticipate that my weekend will be mellow and relaxing.

Today I am grateful it is Friday.

The Shortcomings of Humanity- A rant

2009-10-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

I feel a rant coming on... Disclaimer, if you are easily offended or are going to take this personally stop reading now. You have been warned!

Lately I have becoming increasingly irritated by some of the shortcomings exhibited in my fellow human beings.

1) Don't pass the buck-- take responsibility will you?
I am super-tired of the people around me who are full of excuses. Would it kill you to take some personal responsibility for the problems around you instead of passing the buck all the time? I hate hearing the, "I would but..." Or, "I could but..." Is Obama the only person left who can admit it when he is wrong? When shit happens in your life and keeps happening, is it possible that it is partially you? I am willing to say that it is partially me and to work on that. Could more people please do that? I know, I know, my standards are too high but can you blame a girl for wishing?

2) Kindness doesn't cost you anything, would it kill you to be nice?
I don't care if you are in a rush or you had a crappy day, does basic nicety have to be such a stretch? Don't take your crappy mood out on others. It's not usually their fault that your day sucked. It is unexcusable to be rude or mean no matter what's going on. I often am ill, I don't take it out on others, or at least I try not to. If I do, I at least apologize and assure them that it is not their fault. I wish more people would do this. I know, there I go again with my high standards...

3) I believe you have a brain-- use it!
Sometimes I tell my students, turn on your brain. I would like to say that to some adults too. Please think before you speak or act. Try really using your head...

4) I didn't ask for your opinion or advice so don't give it.
Ok, even I slip up on this one sometimes but it drives me nuts when people give me their opinion when I didn't ask for it. I also despise unsolicited advice. Another thing that annoys me is some people's habit (especially males) of thinking that just because I am expressing that I have a problem, it is their "job" to solve it.

That about wraps today's rant.

Today I am grateful that I am only this much of a bitch sometimes (LOL).

Passing on the Love

2009-10-11T13:34:00.001-07:00

Life's good and I want to share so today I'm going to pass out some awards.

To Lisa Emerich and Diane Stafford I offer the "Most Inspirational Blog Award"

To Serina, Stephanie and Nina I offer the "Your an Awesome Girl Award"

To Kim I offer the "Strong at the Broken Places Award"

To Mike and Robert I offer the "Kreative Blogger Award"

To Julia, Herrad,Cherlyn and Julie I offer the "Kindness Award"

Please just lift your awards off the side of my blog.

All of the bloggers bookmarked on this blog are awesome so if you haven't checked out their work, please do so. Also, if I did not give you an award today please know that it is coming soon.

Happy reading,
Nadja

New Awards

2009-10-07T16:28:00.001-07:00

Today I am grateful to accept two awards from Herrad. I will soon be passing these on to my favorite bloggers.

Much better thanks

2009-10-05T12:22:00.000-07:00

It may be that not every day is sunshine but my sun is shining again. It's good to be alive.

Today I am grateful for the challenges and adventures:)

No one promised all sunshine

2009-10-02T17:14:00.000-07:00

Today sucked. In fact, that word "suck" has been causing me a lot of trouble in the last 24 hours but that is neither here nor there (LOL).

I need a break. I need a break from work. I need a break from social obligations. I need a break from most people. I certainly need a break from judgements. I even hear them in the voices of people who claim to care about me. I am truly at the end of my tether but shit won't stop hitting the fan so I can take an excriment-free breath. I don't know what I expected--

This has been one crappy week. When I ached the most for a nervous breakdown, I didn't even have that luxury. Apparently breakdowns are a luxury reserved for those who depend, not those who are always depended on. Sometimes I just get sick of holding it all together. I want to screech, howl and throw things but I just feel rather silly when I get through doing it.

Lately I have filled this blog with joy and gratitude but today I must say, even I can't be all sunshine all the time. I would like to freakin' strangle someone right about now. I guess it is good I am home alone (LOL).

No one promised all sunshine so there you have it--

Synergy

2009-09-29T04:28:00.001-07:00

The master plan is finally falling into place. I'm rubbing my hands together with a wicked grin on my face. Ok, this was not in the master plan but it should have been...

I feel good; really good. It's almost ironic that my primary blog is called "Living! with MS!" because these days I'm just really Living! I don't say this to make every other MSer jealous. I say this because I have come to believe that so much of our physical state, is linked with our emotional and mental state. The better I feel in these respects, the better I feel physically. The better I handle my stress, the fewer the setbacks. The more I embrace who I fundamentally am, the weaker my disease becomes. These days it is a non-entity that I only recall when I give myself my nightly copaxone injection. Even the injections are getting easier. I have the process down to a swift science. They still hurt like a ----- afterward but the process is quick and routine now.

I have been having fun wherever I go. I have been acting spontaneously and not worrying whether I have the "spoons" to get through the day. Much of my time is spent with friends. I also spend a lot of time alone writing, painting and taking care of all the little details involved in living alone. I am taking good care of myself but now I answer to no one and I create my own schedule. It has been fun going to aerial yoga and aerial tissue.

My physical intelligence has been increasing exponentially. Now it seems I can learn a new dance or aerial move and master it after only a few tries. Yesterday at "fabric" class I climbed all the way up the fabric twice. I'm getting strong very quickly. Today I barely feel sore, much to my surprise. I'm hooked.

Words are really insufficient to describe my current state of being but on one of my other blogs (Poems from the Blue Plane) I attempt to.

Today I am full of gratitude and wonder at the journey that my life has become.

Aerial Yoga, Awww Yeah!

2009-09-27T13:22:00.000-07:00

This is my newest passion. Check out more pictures on my Firebird Yoga Blog.

Beyond Fear

2009-09-26T07:57:00.001-07:00

Please check out my latest post on Firebird Yoga. It tells the story of how MS and yoga helped me master my fears.

Independence

2009-09-24T17:42:00.000-07:00

One thing I have learned about chronic illness is that it can rob you of your feeling of independence. When I was diagnosed, I wondered where I would be without my husband or family. I still felt screwed but I felt like if things went south, I could count on those people to take care of me. In fact, I believed I needed to be taken care of. When I was scared and sick, it felt good to remind myself that I had people who would care for me if I got really sick and couldn't work. I was ceratin I needed that safety net. Now, my worst fears have been realized and I am all alone in this.

I am getting a divorce. I now have to pay half the mortagage on a house I can't afford. I'm responsible for my student loans and car payment. Financially, I am in dire straits. If I get too sick to work full time, I don't know what will happen. Most of my friends have turned their backs on me and won't even talk to me. I have had a falling out with several family members. I am truly on my own.

Do I feel despair? Hell no! I feel good. I'm creatively inspired and empowered. Overall, my health is good. I have found quiet happiness in my independence. I can do what I want, when I want. I have to work full time and now I'm working at the yoga studio several days a week in addition to my regular yoga classes I teach. I have been working 12-14 hours a day but I am ok. The only thing I crave is more alone time. This weekend, I plan to hole up and create art and writing. I will dance and do yoga. I will kick it with my cat. I will breath the air of independence and I will not be afraid. I can do this!

Today I am grateful to have this opportunity to be alone.

I promised honesty but...

2009-09-21T09:32:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it seems that the world is not ready for my degree of honesty so here, on my blog that feeds to facebook, I promise to be honest, but not to a fault. To see the unfettered me, check out my other blogs: Denver Refashionista (my artistic creations and clothing), Firebird Yoga (my yoga site) and my newest addition, Poems from the Blue Plane.

I am doing well these days. I still have my critics but I have realized that if every artist was concerned with their critics than nothing great would ever be created. So I have decided to just be myself, no apologies and to make the most of the time I have on this earth. How does this tie into Living! with MS? Well, MS has really taught me to value each day. It has helped me value the things that really matter in the creation of a beautiful life. MS has made clear to me what I can and cannot do. MS has actually made me more whole, rather than less.

I feel good. These days, I hardly feel like I have MS. I have not had a migraine in a month. I have been taking very little medication outside my copaxone. I have been sleeping less and doing more. I am having fun! Today I have the day off and I am excited to be spending the majority of my day on intellectual and artistic pursuits.

Today I am grateful for my health.

Back on track

2009-09-18T13:27:00.000-07:00

Comments are back and controversial posts and comments have been removed so enjoy and comment away :)

Happy reading,
Nadja

Changes

2009-09-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

I surrender to the change
Or rather, I embrace it.
The world is spinning quickly
But I do not cling for dear life,
I am content
Shrugged off all that held me back.
Found me
Discarded my baggage without regrets.

I look to the future now.
The thing we had,
It was killing me slowly.
You are better off alone.
I am happier as I am.
I wish you well.
I am at peace
Let us cease to torment each other.

I live without regrets.
I notice,
I learn and then I remember and move on.
I hope you can do the same.
I wish you all the love and joy this world has to offer.
Go out and find it.
Be happy.
I bear you no ill-will.

My wings have sprouted.
I sail from the nest
Into an endless sky
Of possibility.
My heart soars
My dreams are vivid and grand.
I do not look back now
The future is mine.

Peace

2009-09-11T06:07:00.000-07:00

Today is 9/11 and I meditate now on peace. Last night I went to an amazing yoga event in the park that focused on peace. It lent me a great deal of personal peace and clarity at a time where I needed it.

I feel calmed, content and comfortable in my skin. I feel the best today, both physically and emotionally that I have in a long time. Now I feel like I have the energy to focus on bigger issues than just my health. It feels good and I feel very freed up. I can breath again.

Meditating on peace helped me sort out several mental and interpersonal conflicts I have been having. I now feel at peace with the situation and that is allowing me to focus on the greater peace, something we must really remember on a day like 9/11.

Where's the Refashionista

2009-09-08T17:11:00.001-07:00

I had a busy week and then went on vacation. I spent some relaxing, computer-free time with my mother. I will be back here to post and read soon. For now, please enjoy the yoga mediation on my other blog.

Rant

2009-09-02T16:02:00.000-07:00

*Disclaimer, this is directed at no one in particular. I appreciate everyone's concerns for my situation/s but I have it under control. Above all, fellow bloggers, this is not aimed at you. I just needed to rant.

Leave me Alone!

I am tired of being second guessed
I am worn down by advice.
You mean well,
I’m sure
But you are driving me nuts!

Please, please, I implore—
Leave me alone.
Can’t you trust me?
Trust me to run my own life
Can’t you trust that I know my own mind?

How can I even think when no one gives me space?
How can I make good decision if I must constantly answer your questions and your calls?
Why can’t I be trusted?
Why do you treat me like I’m crazy?
Can’t you see my strength?

I have done battle with demons,
I have fought the good fight
I have listened
I have always put others before myself.
Is it too much to ask that I be allowed to make the choices that feel right to me?

I’m tired of being treated like a child
I’m tired of being disrespected
I’m sick of being told “It’s the steroids—“
F---- off-- I took those a month ago.
Trust me, trust me, trust me.

If I make a “bad choice,”
Can you just allow me to reap the consequences?
Stop protecting me from myself.
The only person who has to live with my regrets is me.
Let me live and let live!

A happy Sunday

2009-08-31T02:02:00.000-07:00

I had a nice Sunday. During the early morning, I was sick because I ate differently yesterday and accidentally gave myself a shot in the muscle, not the fat, hence the pain. I felt very nauseaous for a while but by 9:00 am, I was ready to get up and go.

I went to aerial yoga but class was cancelled. I did get to stretch out, do some tricks and talk to the owner of the studio. I will go gack today for some more training on the aerial equipment like the tissue (fabric), Hoop and trapeze. I talked the owner of the studio into giving me a discount for two days since I teach at her studio sometimes. I am excited for class later today.

I also bought groceries to fit my diet, went to lunch, did some work, created a restorative yoga sequence for my Firebird yoga blog and took a nap.

Later, I went out and saw my best friend DJ at a patio party. I then finished my day with dinner and my shot. I did the shot in my belly this time. I heated the area first and got relaxed. Then I did the shot laying down. I think I lost some of the medicine that way but most of it went in. I then applied more heat. This one did not hurt or sting at all. Yeah!

I'm thankful for my great Sunday.

Hot is better than cold for me...

2009-08-29T19:23:00.000-07:00

Not really, but with the Copaxone it is. I heated before I injected and iced after. The aftershock is intense. I realized that the ice was not allowing the medicine to spread well and so the pain would not spread out as quickly as yesterday. Now, I just tried heat instead. It is helping the pain. Yesterday did not hurt as much. I must not have hit as good a spot today. My hands have been a bit inflamed and I think it slowed down the speed of my injection. Maybe I will try the auto-injector... I kind of like watching myself shove the needle and plunger into my arm ( I know I'm a weirdo) but maybe the auto-injector would make this easier than trying to get my swollen hands to work well.

I couldn't resist the urge to post that intense poem this morning. As a writer, I look for opportunities in the drama. Mostly, my life is rather mundane, so this gave me something new to write about.

When I injected tonight, I prayed out loud afterward to calm myself. I don't believe in prayer but it is very soothing and I love the sound when I'm nervous. It helped me focus on my breath and something outside the pain. Even now, my arm still hurts. At first, it felt like the area all around the site was pulsing. I imagine, I'll get used to this. I have lost a lot of weight this week due to cutting foods out of my diet because of food allergies. Now, I'm trying to gain a little back. I figure the more fat I have for this, the better...

I ate some hot wings for dinner tonight, after almost eight years as a strict vegetarian. They tasted good but I was really grossed out. I only ate half but I had some fries and celery too so at least I'm fed for now. Hopefully the chicken won't make me ill but I had to experiment at least.

Right now, my life is very chaotic and many things are in flux but despite the challenges, I feel good. I feel positive about myself and the work I have been doing. I feel good about my art, writing and dance. Cutting out foods seems to be helping already. I don't have morning congestion for the first time in years. I also have been migraine-free for three days now.

Today I am grateful for this chance to confront and conquer my fears. I feel empowered.

Awakening to hell

2009-08-29T04:49:00.000-07:00

* This post may not be for the faint-hearted or newly diagnosed. Today was my first injection of Copaxone and I just call it how I see it.

Denial is possible
As long as you have ways to forget.
I allowed myself to pretend,
Pretend that I would be one of the lucky ones--
Maybe I still will be
But this disease has caught me in its jaws
It seems every day, I grow slightly more ill.
It's harder to pretend.

Yesterday I had to stop pretending to myself--
This thing is real and it's not going anywhwere
We are life-long companions
So why do I feel so alone?
Disease is a constant companion but not a joyful bedfellow.
It does not comfort you
But it never lets you fully forget.

Yesterday I had to stop pretending to myself
I thought I was ready--
Ready to fight my disease with any tool at hand,
Then I saw the needle...
My heart raced for a moment
I tried to calm myself with cleansing breath
A voice in my head said, "This is your life now."
Yes, but I don't want to accept--

Hot tears scalded my cheeks.
I had to stop,
Needle poised midair--
I cried large, fat, raindrop tears
Inside something released and my fear faded.
Ok, I'm ready.
I took the syringe
Placed my thumb on the plunger and started to push.

I felt nothing
No pain,
No fear--
Not too bad
Seconds passed, a lifetime
My arm began to burn
I focused on other things
A huge welt rose on my skin

I did not look.
I talked and looked away,
Trying to keep my mind off the pain.
Now streaks of it raced along my arm
I felt as though I had been stung
I could feel it in my armpit and my fingers
I ignored it and did not look at the site
Ten minutes passed, a life-time.

I was alive and unharmed
I breathed a sigh of relief
I walked outside with my friend
We parted with hugs
And I thought,
"Now what?
Who can I call?"
I wanted someone who had shared this sort of thing to listen

I made some calls
Found myself still alone
Accepted the silence
And then got an offer to see family.
I ate some bland food,
My relatives apologized.
It seemed good to me,
I was glad to be eating and in company--

So weary I almost could not drive,
Made it home by force of will,
Fell into a dreamless slumber,
Managed to forgot
Sleep swept me away in a dreamless tide--
I awoke to hell
I remembered I was alone in this
The trauma swept me but I could hardly cry.

This is my life and that I accept.
I will not fight the current,
I will fight the disease.
I can accept this
It is harder to accept
The daily reminder of my mortality--

For a more positive analysis check out Firebird Yoga.

Broken

2009-08-26T22:56:00.001-07:00

I reach for your sleeping form in the night--
My heart races
You are not beside me.
I am disoriented.
I cannot seem to remember how to sleep.
I am hot, awake and restless.

My heart feels pulverized.
How did we come to this?
Oh my sweet love,
Now stranger who shares my home.
I feel my disease
snuggling in for a long stay.

My hands and arms are numb
But my heart seems to bleed.
It beats heavily in my chest
A swift, dull thud with the pain.
I'm crying because I feel so scared and alone
I hurt so much.

All I want is to be comforted
I want to be reassured
I want to be held
I wish for sweet nothings whispered in my ear
But I am mocked by silence.
I breath deeply into the darkness seeking calm like an anchor in the storm.

Firebird Yoga

2009-08-24T16:45:00.000-07:00

I just got a great idea for a new yoga company and blog I wanted to start. I would like to welcome all my readers to check out Firebird Yoga. I am still working on the font colors so I would love your feedback.

I plan to continue writing about yoga there. I also plan to take photos and possibly video to share with my readers. I will talk about yoga for every body and need. I hope to bring the joy of yoga to both healthy and seriously ill individuals. Please take the journey with me.

Namaste,
Denver Refashionista

I want to join the circus...

2009-08-23T20:09:00.000-07:00

Literally-- At one time I could do most of their moves. Now to train.

More to come...

For my yoga students

2009-08-22T06:55:00.000-07:00

When I teach yoga I like to give freely of myself, to nurture my students and to help bring them closer to their true selves. Nevertheless, I get as much out of my teaching as they do. Teaching yoga gives me a home, a place of sanity to stand when all I want to do is howl at the moon. It reminds me to breath. It reminds me of my favorite prayer by Saint Francis of Assisi:

"Lord make me an instrument of thy peace
Where there is hatred, let there be love
Where there there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is despair, hope
Where there is darkness, light.
Oh divine master--
Grant that I might not so much seek to be consoled, as to console
To be understood, as to understand
To be loved, as to love
For it is in giving that we receive,
And it is in death to self
That we are born to eternal life."
Amen.

My heart is filled with gratitude for the things I receive from teaching yoga. I bow to my students. I bow to the teacher in all things. I prostrate myself to the divine with the faith that I will find a way no matter what.

Let yoga be your candle in the dark.
Let it lift you and fill you.
Let it in inspire you
Take what you discover on your mat into the world
And create peace, love and harmony.

Not good

2009-08-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm too exhausted and overwhelmed to post a real blog so my news of the day is pasted below. These are the results of my genetic test for allergies. The news is bad but at least I know there is something I can do to fight the MS. More to come later...

Specialized Laboratory Analysis for Optimum Intestinal and Overall Health
Kenneth D. Fine, M.D.
Medical Director
10875 Plano Rd., Suite 123 Dallas, Texas 75238

Final Laboratory Report

Date: 8/21/2009

Name: Tizer, Nadja

A) Gluten Sensitivity Stool and Gene Panel Complete *Best test/best value
Fecal Anti-gliadin IgA: 40 Units

Fecal Anti-tissue Transglutaminase IgA: 40 Units

Quantitative Microscopic Fecal Fat Score: Less than 300 Units

Fecal Anti-casein (cow's milk) IgA: 10 Units

HLA-DQB1 Molecular analysis, Allele 1: 0301

HLA-DQB1 Molecular analysis, Allele 2: 0501

Serologic equivalent: HLA-DQ 3,1 (Subtype 7,5)

C) Egg, Yeast, and Soy Food Sensitivity Stool Panel
Fecal Anti-ovalbumin (chicken egg) IgA: 4 Units

Fecal Anti-saccharomyces cerevisiae (dietary yeast) IgA: 8 Units

Fecal Anti-soy IgA: 7 Units

Interpretation of Fecal Anti-gliadin IgA (Normal Range is less than 10 Units): Intestinal antigliadin IgA antibody was elevated, indicating that you have active dietary gluten sensitivity. For optimal health, resolution of symptoms (if you have them), and prevention of small intestinal damage and malnutrition, osteoporosis, and damage to other tissues (like nerves, brain, joints, muscles, thyroid, pancreas, other glands, skin, liver, spleen, among others), it is recommended that you follow a strict and permanent gluten free diet. As gluten sensitivity is a genetic syndrome, you may want to have your relatives screened as well.

Interpretation of Fecal Anti-tissue Transglutaminase IgA (Normal Range is less than 10 Units): You have an autoimmune reaction to the human enzyme tissue transglutaminase, secondary to dietary gluten sensitivity.

Interpretation of Quantitative Microscopic Fecal Fat Score (Normal Range is less than 300 Units): Provided that dietary fat is being ingested, a fecal fat score less than 300 indicates there is no malabsorbed dietary fat in stool indicating that digestion and absorption of nutrients is currently normal.

Interpretation of Fecal Anti-casein (cow's milk) IgA (Normal Range is less than 10 Units): Levels of fecal IgA antibody to a food antigen greater than or equal to 10 are indicative of an immune reaction, and hence immunologic "sensitivity" to that food. For any elevated fecal antibody level, it is recommended to remove that food from your diet. Values less than 10 indicate there currently is minimal or no reaction to that food and hence, no direct evidence of food sensitivity to that specific food. However, because 1 in 500 people cannot make IgA at all, and rarely, some people can still have clinically significant reactions to a food antigen despite the lack of a significant antibody reaction (because the reactions primarily involve T cells), if you have an immune syndrome or symptoms associated with food sensitivity, it is recommended that you try a strict removal of suspect foods from your diet for up to 12 months despite a negative test.

Interpretation Of HLA-DQ Testing: Although you do not possess the main HLA-DQB1 genes predisposing to celiac sprue (HLA-DQB1*0201 or HLA-DQB1*0302), HLA gene analysis reveals that you have two copies of a gene that predisposes to gluten sensitivity (any DQ1, DQ2 not by HLA-DQB1*0201, or DQ3 not by HLA-DQB1*0302). Having two copies of a gluten sensitive gene means that each of your parents and all of your children (if you have them) will possess at least one copy of the gene. Two copies also means there is an even stronger predisposition to gluten sensitivity than having one gene and the resultant immunologic gluten sensitivity may be more severe.

Interpretation of Fecal Anti-ovalbumin (chicken egg) IgA (Normal Range is less than 10 Units): Levels of fecal IgA antibody to a food antigen greater than or equal to 10 are indicative of an immune reaction, and hence immunologic "sensitivity" to that food. For any elevated fecal antibody level, it is recommended to remove that food from your diet. Values less than 10 indicate there currently is minimal or no reaction to that food and hence, no direct evidence of food sensitivity to that specific food. However, because 1 in 500 people cannot make IgA at all, and rarely, some people can still have clinically significant reactions to a food antigen despite the lack of a significant antibody reaction (because the reactions primarily involve T cells), if you have an immune syndrome or symptoms associated with food sensitivity, it is recommended that you try a strict removal of suspect foods from your diet for up to 12 months despite a negative test.

Interpretation of Fecal Anti-saccharomyces cerevisiae (dietary yeast) IgA (Normal Range is less than 10 Units): Levels of fecal IgA antibody to a food antigen greater than or equal to 10 are indicative of an immune reaction, and hence immunologic "sensitivity" to that food. For any elevated fecal antibody level, it is recommended to remove that food from your diet. Values less than 10 indicate there currently is minimal or no reaction to that food and hence, no direct evidence of food sensitivity to that specific food. However, because 1 in 500 people cannot make IgA at all, and rarely, some people can still have clinically significant reactions to a food antigen despite the lack of a significant antibody reaction (because the reactions primarily involve T cells), if you have an immune syndrome or symptoms associated with food sensitivity, it is recommended that you try a strict removal of suspect foods from your diet for up to 12 months despite a negative test.

Interpretation of Fecal Anti-soy IgA (Normal Range is less than 10 Units): Levels of fecal IgA antibody to a food antigen greater than or equal to 10 are indicative of an immune reaction, and hence immunologic "sensitivity" to that food. For any elevated fecal antibody level, it is recommended to remove that food from your diet. Values less than 10 indicate there currently is minimal or no reaction to that food and hence, no direct evidence of food sensitivity to that specific food. However, because 1 in 500 people cannot make IgA at all, and rarely, some people can still have clinically significant reactions to a food antigen despite the lack of a significant antibody reaction (because the reactions primarily involve T cells), if you have an immune syndrome or symptoms associated with food sensitivity, it is recommended that you try a strict removal of suspect foods from your diet for up to 12 months despite a negative test.

For more information about result interpretation, please see http://www.enterolab.com/StaticPages/Faq_Result_Interpretation.htm

Stool Analysis performed by: Frederick Ogunji, Ph.D., EnteroLab
Molecular Gene Analysis performed by: American Red Cross
Interpretation of all results by: Kenneth D. Fine, M.D., EnteroLab

Thank You For Allowing EnteroLab to Help You Attain Optimum Intestinal And Overall Health.

That's it in a nutshell. I'm sure I am grateful for something today but someone remind me please.

Hit by a truck...

2009-08-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

Well, actually I wasn't literally but I feel like I was. Despite all my hard work and hopes for the best, today was shit. I don't even have the energy to explain really.

What I will say is that I got a migraine by 10 am and then had to run out of my classroom to puke. Stress induced? You betcha... Anyway, no use dwelling, I'll live but I did get sent home from work. My future as a full time teacher, I don't know anymore. Time will tell. I am going to contact my case manager at the MS Society. More to come...

Today I am grateful that I still got to teach my yoga class at the studio. It made a horrible day a little better.

Rambling Update

2009-08-20T02:57:00.000-07:00

I had a good day yesterday. I decided that fate doesn't come to us, we make our fate so I decided to make mine and the fates of my department colleagues, my students and myself better ( I am now department chair). On the way to work, I called my ESL colleague who works next to me and asked her if she would cover both our classes all morning if I wrote the lesson plans and got the students going on their work. Then, I set her up and went to talk to my new ELA boss. I got him to agree to our plan and to authorize me some room to go work out all of our departmental issues. Act the job you want to get the job... That's what I did.

My next stop was the counseling office. It took them an hour to get to me but they gave me a comfy chair and let me just hang out and relax which was great since I still had a migraine at that time. By third block, I was talking to the boss (assistant principal) in charge of our schedule. I realized we had gotten off on the wrong foot so I started our conversation by closing the door and saying to her, "I'm sorry if we all got off on the wrong foot etc..." I explained that every request we had made was on behalf of kids. I also explained that we were not trying to add to her burden but were actually trying to lighten her load. I explained what we wanted/needed for our students and then said, "How can we help?" This went over very well. She agreed to our requests and then gave us a task to accomplish. She asked us to make our own rosters based on data :-) (that so rocks). So I went back to my colleague with the good news.

We co-taught for the rest of the hour and then I took over and sent her off to relax and to do our computer work. By the end of her lunch, our schedule change was approved (I get to teach yoga one block!) and our were rosters turned in. I noticed that as this weight lifted, my migraine dissipated. By the time I was done teaching, I was downright jolly. I spent my plan period tracking down test booklets to test the new kids in our school because my coach is out very ill. I never heard from her or found the books even though I went on a treasure hunt around the school. Luckily, I remembered that I had a copy so I was able to make a plan for testing our kids. I started to test one and today, I will test everyone I know to test. Then, later, if my coach shows, I will find out who else to test and we will wrap things up. All of this is not part of my job (it's hers) but I am interviewing soon to join her in the position and I want to prove that I know what to do. I think this is the best way of making my dreams come true.

Today is our last day with kids this week and tomorrow is Professional Development so I'm almost there... Friday morning, I will go get the blood work my doctor ordered done and just go in late.

After school yesterday, I went to Kaiser and got my new migraine medicine, booked a physical and ordered the auto-injector for my Copaxone so that I wouldn't be able to chicken out.

I slept the most hours tonight that I have since I finished the steroids, thank goodness. Today, I teach yoga at school, go to ballet at school :-) and then after I teach school all day, I will go to my studio to teach yoga again so it will be another long day. I have invited a bunch of colleagues to come to my yoga class down in Denver so I hope a few come and check it out. I'm working to create a buzz...

I am excited for the day...

Oh the horror

2009-08-17T17:29:00.000-07:00

What a day... Things went great with the kids but everything else at work is a giant snarl. Even the mellowest person would be stressed.

On top of everything, I am in the process of getting my bathroom redone. Right now, the water is off and they are pounding on the ceiling while I fight a migraine and irritable bowels.

In the meantime, my stress at work just skyrocketed exponentially when after several days of school, the counseling office just changed our master schedule and gave me new courses to teach. The courses have never been offered, there's no curriculum and my rosters change every ten minutes. Basically, I was told at 2:00 pm about the change and I had to delete my gradebook, create new plans and copies for tomorrow. In the process of it all, I stopped to puke and then went to talk with my principal about FMLA. He was very understanding and said he would talk to the assistant principles who are adding to my stress. I told him to go ahead and explain to them about my health so hopefully I will get more support now.

Not my day and yet, you can't keep me down for long. I can barely stand from the headache and nausea (I have even had a prescription pain pill) but I'm still excited to work with the kids again tomorrow.

Today I am grateful to have great students that help make the B.S. worth it.

The whirlwind

2009-08-16T15:24:00.000-07:00

I am swept into the whirlwind that is the beginning of any school year but unlike last year, I feel joy. I embrace the chaos and then forge order. It has been years since I felt this creative in my planning. I am excited.

I'm tired but my body only seems to let me sleep in spurts so I sleep for a few hours, get up, use the facilities, do a little and then rest again. Then I repeat the process. I did that two times last night and once this morning. I use my little naps for sustainance. Tonight, I hope to sleep through the night in preparation for the long day tomorrow.

I got a massage yesterday and that made me feel a little better. I am still headachy and my vision is blotchy but I am slowly feeling better. The weather has also cooled off which really helps. I am hoping to have a great week at work and to continue getting better.

Today I am grateful for the cool weather.

FMLA Journal

2009-08-15T01:31:00.000-07:00

It's 2:30 am and I'm up feeling sick so while I wait for my medicine to kick in and relieve my discomfort I have been typing up documentation of my illness for my FMLA records and in case I ever need to file for disability. I am so glad to have this blog because I went through the archives and found all the dates and info I needed. Pasted below is my FMLA journal. I recommend that everyone with a chronic illness should keep one for legal documentation purposes.

FMLA Journal
March 2008- car accident- fractured sternum, lesions found on liver after MRI
April 5, 2008- puked repeatedly after airplane flight
April 12, 2008- awoke with severe vertigo, vomited 30 times
April 13, 2008- diagnosed with benign vertigo at ER, irregular CAT scan adviced to seek MRI
April 21, 2008- vomited blood at work after weeks of vertigo and illness. Still going to work with double and slanted vision until that day. Rushed by husband to ER. Diagnsoed with Mallory Weiss tear in esophagus from vomiting. Kept overnight for observation.
April 22, 2008- ER doctor suggests possible MS after learning of my double vision- off from work
April 22, 2008- MRI of brain at Kaiser
April 23, 2008- Off from work. Dr. Riley and Dr. Sylman diagnose me with MS based on brain lesions found. Bloodwork completed. Prednisone prescribed for exacerbation (4 days, 500 mg)
April 28, 2008- steroid taper prescribed.
Week of April 21, 2008- FMLA paperwork for temporary leave completed by Dr. Riley. Five Wishes paperwork completed.
April 23, 2008- May 16, 2008- Off from work for exacerbation. Tenure granted in Adams 14 Schools.
9/14/2008- second exacerbation becomes apparent. Exacerbation treated with Prednisone. 2 days taken off in September due to vertigo. Depression becomes apparent.
September and October 2008- problems with blurred vision. Visits to neuropthamologist and eye doctor. Problems with right side visual field test noted by Dr. Gardner
November 11, 2008- follow up with Dr. Sylman and decision for new MRI
12/05/08- MRI results. Lesions still present but shrunken
1/10/09- Got care management set up with MS Society for help with counseling, career counseling, employment concerns…
4/16/09- steroids prescribed for 3rd exacerbation
4/17/09- day off from work due to vertigo and exacerbation
6/07/09- start to feel “off”. Problems with Asthma and inflammation of body. Very nauseated and achy.
June 2009- problems with heat sickness begin. Numbness in extremities. Nausea worsened by heat. Joint pain increased by damp and rain as well as asthma exacerbated.
June 2009- Daily headaches and nausea begin and continue into August
July 2009- MRI reveals 3 new lesions. Dr. Sylman recommends I choose and start on a DMD course
July 2009- New medication prescribed for headache and joint pain/inflammation
July 28, 2009- Choose to go on Copaxone starting in September
July 30, 2009- Met with HR regarding FMLA paperwork for intermittent leave during 2009-2010 school year
8/05/09- Prednisone prescribed for exacerbation
8/10/09- Ill at work due to overheating. Classroom air broken fix ordered
8/11/09- FMLA paperwork submitted to HR. Air broken again and new order for repair submitted.
8/12/09- Air broken and fixed again.
8/13/09- Air broken, overheated, puked and went to school clinic for care. Air fixed again.
8/14/09- Air broken again, oveheated. Air fixed again.

End Journal

While I feel sick right now, I am grateful for the great day I had today with my students. Other problems can keep but this is what matters and I am grateful for the chance to do what I do even if I feel ill.