I'll keep this short. It seems it's here again... That shitty (pardon my french) time of month. I awoke just before 7:00 am feeling like hell. I decided to stay in bed and try to sleep it off with the aide of some ibuprofin.
Unfortunately, I didn't have the best of luck on that front. It's after 10 am now and I still feel awful. My arms and right shoulder in particular ache. Every time I fell back to sleep I awoke with numbness in my right hand. I don't get it really. I am not sure if for me this is an MS thing or purely hormonal. Do other women without MS get numbness too if they have bad periods?
Anyway... I am up now but I am still in pain. My arms, shoulder, hips, elbows and knees all ache. I had planned to go to yoga but I'm just not sure that I can today. I have to teach at 4:20 so I may just save all my mojo for that. If I don't feel better, I'm going to try a hot bath and some rest.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Monday, July 7, 2008
Angst
I am out of sorts today, angsty. I feel a little psycho and impatient. Gone are my peace and calm. I’m stirred up.
Why this detour down a path of demons? It could be the weather. The rain has been falling for hours and it is cloudy and gray. The sun has been obliterated by darkness.
It could be that things don’t seem to be going my way. It could also be that I just spent two hours doing things I didn’t want to do. Most likely, it’s my hormones. Sometimes they make me feel a little nuts. I am so irritable.
Sometimes, there is a little voice that gnaws at the back of my mind. It reminds me that while I feel pretty decent, things could be fomenting in my head. Are there new lesions growing? How’s my myelin? I try to focus on the moment, to not let these voices get the best of me but at times, it bugs me. I value my capacity to think, my lovely mind, above all else. Yet I know… I know that all is not right in my brain and that, I can neither deny, or ignore. Usually, I bless my disease for showing me what really matters but at times all I can think is, “Why did this ever have to come to me?”
I resent my fatigue. I really resent my husband always saying, “I don’t assume that you have done anything while I was at work.” Or, “I can’t count on you for anything.” These sentences are marked by caviats like, “Don’t take this wrong.” But of course I take it the way it sounds. It sounds like I am a burden. It sounds like he is being martyred by my incapacities. It sounds like I’m a slacker.
Am I really not pulling my weight? My guess is that I am but a low level of guilt at being “diseased” is plaguing me. On some level I must be worrying about the times when I won’t be able to help or the times when I feel too fatigued. I almost feel driven to do more now because I can but I resent every minute I spend doing things like cleaning house, weeding, grocery shopping and other tasks that take me away from what I really want to do. In the past these were welcome summer diversions that made me feel like I was accomplishing something during my break but that’s just not an issue anymore. I find meaning in my life through my writing, yoga and artistic creations. I feel like even when I’m not cleaning house I am doing a lot. Sometimes my husband says I must not love him because I allow these things to claim some of our time together. Of course I love my husband or I wouldn’t bother to be married I just have started a love affair with myself. I find that at times I am loathe to interrupt or change the course of my affair.
Why this detour down a path of demons? It could be the weather. The rain has been falling for hours and it is cloudy and gray. The sun has been obliterated by darkness.
It could be that things don’t seem to be going my way. It could also be that I just spent two hours doing things I didn’t want to do. Most likely, it’s my hormones. Sometimes they make me feel a little nuts. I am so irritable.
Sometimes, there is a little voice that gnaws at the back of my mind. It reminds me that while I feel pretty decent, things could be fomenting in my head. Are there new lesions growing? How’s my myelin? I try to focus on the moment, to not let these voices get the best of me but at times, it bugs me. I value my capacity to think, my lovely mind, above all else. Yet I know… I know that all is not right in my brain and that, I can neither deny, or ignore. Usually, I bless my disease for showing me what really matters but at times all I can think is, “Why did this ever have to come to me?”
I resent my fatigue. I really resent my husband always saying, “I don’t assume that you have done anything while I was at work.” Or, “I can’t count on you for anything.” These sentences are marked by caviats like, “Don’t take this wrong.” But of course I take it the way it sounds. It sounds like I am a burden. It sounds like he is being martyred by my incapacities. It sounds like I’m a slacker.
Am I really not pulling my weight? My guess is that I am but a low level of guilt at being “diseased” is plaguing me. On some level I must be worrying about the times when I won’t be able to help or the times when I feel too fatigued. I almost feel driven to do more now because I can but I resent every minute I spend doing things like cleaning house, weeding, grocery shopping and other tasks that take me away from what I really want to do. In the past these were welcome summer diversions that made me feel like I was accomplishing something during my break but that’s just not an issue anymore. I find meaning in my life through my writing, yoga and artistic creations. I feel like even when I’m not cleaning house I am doing a lot. Sometimes my husband says I must not love him because I allow these things to claim some of our time together. Of course I love my husband or I wouldn’t bother to be married I just have started a love affair with myself. I find that at times I am loathe to interrupt or change the course of my affair.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Lazy Saturday afternoon
I'm chillin'. My hubby has complained that I spend far too much time away when he is around so I took the day off from yoga to hang out with him and my mother in law. Interestingly enough, I find myself sitting alone at the moment while he works in the basement (he chased out the "hens") and shortly thereafter my mother in law disappeared without explanation so maybe he chased her away too.
Finding myself alone, I checked the yoga schedule just in case it was not too late to hit a class. Unfortunately, it was and my body could use a rest anyway. Rumor has it that we will be going to a movie around 4:15 anyway. In the meantime, left to my own devices, I thought I could write a little in the blog and a little on the book.
I don't have too much to report but I am excited to be the proud owner of a new sewing machine. I think that the machine is going to really aide the Refashionista cause. I just got a cool Obama shirt from my sister's dad so I am currently washing it in anticipation of a refashioning bonanza. I think it will be super-cute and that soon many people may covet one (If you do, let me know and I'll see what I can do).
Finding myself alone, I checked the yoga schedule just in case it was not too late to hit a class. Unfortunately, it was and my body could use a rest anyway. Rumor has it that we will be going to a movie around 4:15 anyway. In the meantime, left to my own devices, I thought I could write a little in the blog and a little on the book.
I don't have too much to report but I am excited to be the proud owner of a new sewing machine. I think that the machine is going to really aide the Refashionista cause. I just got a cool Obama shirt from my sister's dad so I am currently washing it in anticipation of a refashioning bonanza. I think it will be super-cute and that soon many people may covet one (If you do, let me know and I'll see what I can do).
Friday, July 4, 2008
Check out the work by Denver Refashionista
I have been busy at work this summer on "refashioning clothes." It has been a lot of fun. Check out my other blog at: http://denverrefashionista.blogspot.com
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Memoir Excerpt
A few months back I took the time to mention that I was writing a memoir. At the time I outlined for my readers what I meant by that. See A letter to my readers.
Now I thought I would put up a small, and hopefully tantalizing excerpt. My chosen excerpt follows below.
Chapter 1: Nadja
Andre Breton (1928), the author of the surrealist book Nadja, asks himself and the world the first question we must all ask ourselves upon gaining self-awareness “Who am I?” I too open my book with this question.
I often find myself exploring the existentialist dilemma; “Why am I here, what is my purpose?” and “Does this life have any promise for us beyond our inevitable death?”
In spite of this general philosophical grounding, I find at times that despite these firm guiding questions and philosophy, that it is in times of crisis where I find prayers and spirituals spilling from lips that scarcely even fit my true philosophical underpinnings.
This seems especially true during the last 2 or 3 weeks of my life (written in May '08). I have been suffering from vomiting, fatigue and vertigo for an abnormally long time. On Monday, April 22nd, 2008 I was admitted to the ER because I was vomiting blood clots and experiencing retching, disorientation and double vision.
Fortunately the bleeding stopped after I vomited up all the blood clots in my system. My throat scope came back and I had a Mallory Weiss tear in my esophagus from all my violent puking but they said I could go once I kept food down. When the doctor learned that I was having double-vision he became concerned that I might have MS (Multiple Sclerosis).
That night I had an MRI. Unfortunately we got the results by 2:00 pm the next afternoon and the doctor told us I had a lesion in my cerebellum consistent with MS. So we went in for blood work and meds.
The next day we saw the neurologist and had a second discussion and looked at my MRI. There were only two lesions so he ordered another MRI.
So now, despite my life-view I find myself asking, “Why me?” I never thought this would happen to me. So I am mourning some of the life I had but I’m trying to start thinking about how to handle the changes in who I was and I am asking myself, “How will I move forward? What’s most important to me and how can I go on as an educator and continue contributing to society once I feel better?”
Here is some honest insight into how this feels for me right now. Whoever I am, whatever my purpose I’ll write my catharsis out and share it to help lift some of my pain and tears and to navigate my why towards the new person I am swiftly becoming.
So I return now to the question: “Who am I?”
Now I thought I would put up a small, and hopefully tantalizing excerpt. My chosen excerpt follows below.
Chapter 1: Nadja
Andre Breton (1928), the author of the surrealist book Nadja, asks himself and the world the first question we must all ask ourselves upon gaining self-awareness “Who am I?” I too open my book with this question.
I often find myself exploring the existentialist dilemma; “Why am I here, what is my purpose?” and “Does this life have any promise for us beyond our inevitable death?”
In spite of this general philosophical grounding, I find at times that despite these firm guiding questions and philosophy, that it is in times of crisis where I find prayers and spirituals spilling from lips that scarcely even fit my true philosophical underpinnings.
This seems especially true during the last 2 or 3 weeks of my life (written in May '08). I have been suffering from vomiting, fatigue and vertigo for an abnormally long time. On Monday, April 22nd, 2008 I was admitted to the ER because I was vomiting blood clots and experiencing retching, disorientation and double vision.
Fortunately the bleeding stopped after I vomited up all the blood clots in my system. My throat scope came back and I had a Mallory Weiss tear in my esophagus from all my violent puking but they said I could go once I kept food down. When the doctor learned that I was having double-vision he became concerned that I might have MS (Multiple Sclerosis).
That night I had an MRI. Unfortunately we got the results by 2:00 pm the next afternoon and the doctor told us I had a lesion in my cerebellum consistent with MS. So we went in for blood work and meds.
The next day we saw the neurologist and had a second discussion and looked at my MRI. There were only two lesions so he ordered another MRI.
So now, despite my life-view I find myself asking, “Why me?” I never thought this would happen to me. So I am mourning some of the life I had but I’m trying to start thinking about how to handle the changes in who I was and I am asking myself, “How will I move forward? What’s most important to me and how can I go on as an educator and continue contributing to society once I feel better?”
Here is some honest insight into how this feels for me right now. Whoever I am, whatever my purpose I’ll write my catharsis out and share it to help lift some of my pain and tears and to navigate my why towards the new person I am swiftly becoming.
So I return now to the question: “Who am I?”
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
So tired...
I'll keep this very short. I guess all the activity, combined with heat are finally catching up with me. I am so tired now. On a positive note, I feel pretty decent otherwise. I took an Anusara yoga class this morning and while it kicked my butt, it was a good learning experience. I even learned a new way to do forearm stands and back bends against the wall.
Tonight I have yoga teacher training and my mother in law is coming in for a few days. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be full of energy again so I can take her around a bit while my hubby works.
Tonight I have yoga teacher training and my mother in law is coming in for a few days. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be full of energy again so I can take her around a bit while my hubby works.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
1st visit to the Acupuncturist
You are not imagining things... There are 17 needles sticking out of your flesh but you scarcely feel them. You are completely relaxed. You lay on a comfortable table, your head cushioned, your knees propped and soft music plays in the background. This doesn't look like what you would expect from a doctor's office. The walls are not white, the room is not sterile and there is a giant asian print on the wall above you. Do not be alarmed, you are in good hands!
My first trip to the acupuncturist was fantastic. I felt confident in his ability to help me almost right off the bat. After feeling the pulse in both my wrists he asked me if I had an accident recently. And yes, yes I did. He noted that I had blood blockages in certain areas of my body. He noted that my liver had too much blood and was being overworked. He was right. During the CT scan of my body they found lesions on my liver.
He had me lay down on the table nearby. Then he started placing the needles. I didn't even feel the first one go into my foot. He started the treatment for my blood blockages with 5 needles. I got one in each foot, one in each hand and one on my third eye center. He left me with those for a while and then came back to add more needles.
I got 4 needles in each lower leg/foot total. I got 4 near my pubic bone, one in my chest, one in my right hand, one in my left hand, one in my wrist and the one I mentioned on my forehead. I must have forgotten a few but I know I had 17 total. At times, I could actually feel the needles clearing blockages, especially on my right side. The doctor explained that the liver sits to the right. That actually explains a lot because I have been having more pain and stiffness in the muscles on my right and even the traditional medical community had noted the lesions on my liver.
When he adjusted the needles around my pubis I could already feel a difference. When he started I had a lot of pain and tension in that region but as the needles moved my blood, that pain faded. By the time he pulled out the needles I felt much better. He gave me a powder designed for my body and my symptoms and sent me home to return in two weeks.
Right now I feel great. He warned that I may experience some cramping my pelvis and some pain where I fractured my sternum a few months back as the blood begins to flow in these areas again but at the moment, I feel no pain. In fact, I feel the best I have in a really long time. Gone is my muscle fatigue. Gone is my joint pain. Gone is the vertigo and headaches. I am surprised. He didn't promise this. I may just be having a good day but I did an hour and a half of Ashtanga yoga this morning and normally I would be fatigued and achy. Instead, I just cleaned house for about two hours and I am full of energy. I am so excited. This just may really help me.
My first trip to the acupuncturist was fantastic. I felt confident in his ability to help me almost right off the bat. After feeling the pulse in both my wrists he asked me if I had an accident recently. And yes, yes I did. He noted that I had blood blockages in certain areas of my body. He noted that my liver had too much blood and was being overworked. He was right. During the CT scan of my body they found lesions on my liver.
He had me lay down on the table nearby. Then he started placing the needles. I didn't even feel the first one go into my foot. He started the treatment for my blood blockages with 5 needles. I got one in each foot, one in each hand and one on my third eye center. He left me with those for a while and then came back to add more needles.
I got 4 needles in each lower leg/foot total. I got 4 near my pubic bone, one in my chest, one in my right hand, one in my left hand, one in my wrist and the one I mentioned on my forehead. I must have forgotten a few but I know I had 17 total. At times, I could actually feel the needles clearing blockages, especially on my right side. The doctor explained that the liver sits to the right. That actually explains a lot because I have been having more pain and stiffness in the muscles on my right and even the traditional medical community had noted the lesions on my liver.
When he adjusted the needles around my pubis I could already feel a difference. When he started I had a lot of pain and tension in that region but as the needles moved my blood, that pain faded. By the time he pulled out the needles I felt much better. He gave me a powder designed for my body and my symptoms and sent me home to return in two weeks.
Right now I feel great. He warned that I may experience some cramping my pelvis and some pain where I fractured my sternum a few months back as the blood begins to flow in these areas again but at the moment, I feel no pain. In fact, I feel the best I have in a really long time. Gone is my muscle fatigue. Gone is my joint pain. Gone is the vertigo and headaches. I am surprised. He didn't promise this. I may just be having a good day but I did an hour and a half of Ashtanga yoga this morning and normally I would be fatigued and achy. Instead, I just cleaned house for about two hours and I am full of energy. I am so excited. This just may really help me.
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