I had the day off so rather than just chilling, I went to a few appointments. I started at the dentist. I was not surprised to be scolded for my poor flossing and tartar build up. It is clear that I have been neglecting many things since my diagnoses and my teeth is one of them. I still got off pretty easy. I have to go for a cleaning and for one filling at the end of December. I need to floss better and use mouth wash for a while but nothing too bad. They are watching a spot on my lower gum for mouth cancer but the spot has always been there. The one thing that does concern me is that when I took the time to really examine the spot, I noticed that it has changed. I am keeping my fingers crossed because mouth cancer is the last thing I need. I used to think I was invincible but cracking my sternum last year and learning I had MS has taught me not to take health for granted.
After the dentist I was really tired. My exhaustion has increased almost exponentially over the last few days but I actually feel much better these days than I have in a while. I combatted the fatigue today much as I have been. I put some caffeine into my system and then continued on with my day. It was really hard not to rush home and go back to bed but instead I drove out to my sister-in-law's house and taught her yoga for an hour. That was probably the highlight of my day. When I left there, I quit resisting sleep, came home and went back to bed for about an hour and a half. I felt like I could just keep sleeping but my alarm got me up just in time to go to the neurologist.
The neurologist visit went well. He did not push any new meds on me but he did order another MRI so we can ascertain if I have any new lesions since I have been having a lot of little symptoms since my first exacerbation. I go for the MRI on December 1st. I am quite optomistic that I will not have new lesions. It seems that if I don't, he will not recommend any interferons for now. We both agreed that we can keep that course open if things worsen or my lesions multiply but for now I can continue to wait and see.
My neurologist said that I am doing well. He gave me a few suggestions for the fatigue too. He said he can put me on meds but we should try to avoid that if possible. He suggested caffeine, cardio and pushing through the fatigue with activity as much as possible. He also said I was sleeping too much. I think he's right but boy is that sleep tempting. I suspect that if I cut back on the sleep, I may have more energy but it is going to be hard. I am less depressed these days then I was but sleep has become like an elixir to combat anxieties and discontent. I also suspect that if I do as he says, in time I will feel better during my waking hours but this is going to be a challenge.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Journal 11/10/08
"We can transform with grace, or we can go through life kicking and screaming. We can flow through our experiences like we flow through our yoga poses. We can hold our breath, or we can deepen it and move past every obstacle. We have a choice to either go through life kicking, screaming and miserable or to fill each experience with breath, grounded only in the moment. We can use breath to anchor ourselves in the present. We can use it to guide ourselves through life's challenges. Trust that you can breath through anything."
I often use words like these to guide my yoga students. When I hear similar words from other yoga teachers, I am reminded just how important this is. I can find serenity by being absolutely present, breathing and trusting or I can cause my own suffering through a series of mental contortions. I think I want to take my own words of wisdom and live by them.
Something in me is shifting. It is subtle but I feel different. I still worry but less now... Obstacles still trouble me, but maybe not as much. I'm starting to see my most recent dramas as a hiccup in a long life. I can't claim that I have found all the answers I seek or the self I want to unearth but something is different. I think what I feel is perspective and hope.
I often use words like these to guide my yoga students. When I hear similar words from other yoga teachers, I am reminded just how important this is. I can find serenity by being absolutely present, breathing and trusting or I can cause my own suffering through a series of mental contortions. I think I want to take my own words of wisdom and live by them.
Something in me is shifting. It is subtle but I feel different. I still worry but less now... Obstacles still trouble me, but maybe not as much. I'm starting to see my most recent dramas as a hiccup in a long life. I can't claim that I have found all the answers I seek or the self I want to unearth but something is different. I think what I feel is perspective and hope.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Slowly Crawling Forth
When I look back to last Sunday it seems I have come a long way. A week ago at this time I was ill and depressed. Last Monday was really rough too. I was so frustrated because I have been trying so hard to get back on track and to feel good about myself and my life.
I think things started to shift for me a little last Tuesday. I woke up and actually felt excited about something. I was excited for the election. By the time I went to bed on Tuesday, Barack Obama was the president elect. I could see a real reason for hope and excitement.
Wednesday was not perfect but I found I again had reason for hope. That was the day I met a fellow MSer at work and started to get things more in perspective.
Thursday was the first day I used a "to do list" to get focused. It made me feel a lot better about what I had accomplished because I had something tangible to grab onto. I have gotten several pieces of advice to focus more on what I have done than what I have not. I have noticed that by making a list and checking things off I feel like I have done more of value with my day.
Friday was also ok. There is nothing spectacular to report but things went fine.
Saturday I was really busy. I did about four hours of grading and went to yoga. I also went to a nice family party and got to see everyone for the first time in a while. Then I went out and saw my best friend dj and got a chance to visit with her and some other friends. I was exhausted and didn't stay out that late but I was proud of myself for getting dressed up and making it out to two different places to catch up with people.
Today had its bright spots too. I slept in a little because I was still so tired but once I got up, I had some coffee and started on my latest to do list. Although I only had about an hour before yoga, I managed to finish my grading and take care of several little things I needed to do before class. I got to class and again I actually felt really great and excited about something. The class felt amazing. I looked in the mirror and I saw the old me again. I remember how in the past just going to yoga filled me with feelings of peace and power. Today I felt that for the first time in a long time. I practiced next to the regional manager of the studio where I go. That was awesome because she embodies the teacher I would like to be. Just practicing next to her made the class extra special. When I walked out of the studio, my heart was filled with joy.
I am beginning to notice this joy in short bursts again. So far it is not lasting but it gives me the encouragement to keep seeking more of it. I am starting to see myself beyond my job again. It seemed for quite some time there that my job was me and that was terrible because I felt like things were going so poorly. Honestly, I'm not sure they are all that much better now but I can see little evidences of student learning here and there so I suspect I have not screwed them up too badly. I also see it is not all on me. All I can do on any given day is my best. I think some of my self-scrutiny has come because of comments made to me by my department head and one of my friends at work. I see that while they mean well, I can't take every word they say to heart. Neither one is in my room and even if they were, how much better would things look? Even if they did look better, should I really beat myself up when I know how much thought I give things or how much effort I put in each day? I want to find a way to more regularly see myself the way I saw myself in yoga today. I was strong, fierce and beautiful and I knew what I was all about. For a little while, I really loved being that person. Perhaps I am slowly beginning to crawl forth.
I think things started to shift for me a little last Tuesday. I woke up and actually felt excited about something. I was excited for the election. By the time I went to bed on Tuesday, Barack Obama was the president elect. I could see a real reason for hope and excitement.
Wednesday was not perfect but I found I again had reason for hope. That was the day I met a fellow MSer at work and started to get things more in perspective.
Thursday was the first day I used a "to do list" to get focused. It made me feel a lot better about what I had accomplished because I had something tangible to grab onto. I have gotten several pieces of advice to focus more on what I have done than what I have not. I have noticed that by making a list and checking things off I feel like I have done more of value with my day.
Friday was also ok. There is nothing spectacular to report but things went fine.
Saturday I was really busy. I did about four hours of grading and went to yoga. I also went to a nice family party and got to see everyone for the first time in a while. Then I went out and saw my best friend dj and got a chance to visit with her and some other friends. I was exhausted and didn't stay out that late but I was proud of myself for getting dressed up and making it out to two different places to catch up with people.
Today had its bright spots too. I slept in a little because I was still so tired but once I got up, I had some coffee and started on my latest to do list. Although I only had about an hour before yoga, I managed to finish my grading and take care of several little things I needed to do before class. I got to class and again I actually felt really great and excited about something. The class felt amazing. I looked in the mirror and I saw the old me again. I remember how in the past just going to yoga filled me with feelings of peace and power. Today I felt that for the first time in a long time. I practiced next to the regional manager of the studio where I go. That was awesome because she embodies the teacher I would like to be. Just practicing next to her made the class extra special. When I walked out of the studio, my heart was filled with joy.
I am beginning to notice this joy in short bursts again. So far it is not lasting but it gives me the encouragement to keep seeking more of it. I am starting to see myself beyond my job again. It seemed for quite some time there that my job was me and that was terrible because I felt like things were going so poorly. Honestly, I'm not sure they are all that much better now but I can see little evidences of student learning here and there so I suspect I have not screwed them up too badly. I also see it is not all on me. All I can do on any given day is my best. I think some of my self-scrutiny has come because of comments made to me by my department head and one of my friends at work. I see that while they mean well, I can't take every word they say to heart. Neither one is in my room and even if they were, how much better would things look? Even if they did look better, should I really beat myself up when I know how much thought I give things or how much effort I put in each day? I want to find a way to more regularly see myself the way I saw myself in yoga today. I was strong, fierce and beautiful and I knew what I was all about. For a little while, I really loved being that person. Perhaps I am slowly beginning to crawl forth.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Update 11/06/08
Not too much to tell today. I felt a little funky when I woke up but once I got out of bed I started to feel much better. It took a little will power to get myself going but once I psyched myself up it wasn't too bad. I made a to do list in my head while I got ready rather than focusing on potential problems I might encounter in my day. The to do list did help. At the end of my plan period, I had just finished checking off everything on my list. That kind of gave me a boost all day because I felt like I had accomplished something and I had managed to stay focused despite the urge to aimlessly multi-task. I was actually kind of proud of myself. I felt a little like the old me.
The day overall was decent. I even stayed after school and did a little work and let some kids work in my room.
When I got home I did a few things around the house. I realized as soon as I got here that I was exhausted. I did a ton of facilitating and direct instruction today and it wore me out. Neverthless, not too bad. A lot of people have been advising me to focus on the little successes and not stress about things that don't get well. With this in mind: today is a good day.
The day overall was decent. I even stayed after school and did a little work and let some kids work in my room.
When I got home I did a few things around the house. I realized as soon as I got here that I was exhausted. I did a ton of facilitating and direct instruction today and it wore me out. Neverthless, not too bad. A lot of people have been advising me to focus on the little successes and not stress about things that don't get well. With this in mind: today is a good day.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Brain Dump
So I just have too many ideas and things flashing through my mind to focus on one so I'm just going to dump for a minute and let it all come out as it may.
This is a day for hope. On my way to work and on my way home I listened to NPR and the post election coverage. A great deal of the news and stories I heard almost brought me to tears. I am overwhelmed at the enormity of this election's place in history. I am daring to dream again that we really can combat what often looks like a bleak future. I needed to be inspired and this inspires me.
I am inspired butI am still unfocused. Despite the realization of one of my greatest hopes, I am still struggling to get my own head on straight. I find I am distracted, moody and easily irritated. Nothing seems easy anymore. My mind cannot seem to create a simple list of what to do next or how best to focus my limitd energy. This makes me frustrated and the more frustrated I feel, the harder it is to yank myself out of the funk. While I aspire to look more than a day ahead, something is holding me back. I keep thinking, "If I could just concentrate more or work harder things would get better." Somehow, I don't think this is going to be a mind over matter thing although my husband insists it is. Apparently, if I just decide things will be better, then they will. The problem is I try to make that intention every day but then I find my senses overloaded and my mind abuzz and the control I seek is still not there.
This has troubled me for some time. I am ok with learning to cut myself some slack but I am not ok with having so little control over my own mind or ability to concentrate. I am like a sailboat, carried by the wind with nothing to tether me. I do not like this at all.
This sudden onslaught of ADHD-like behavior and symptoms is not helping me to feel better about myself or my ability to control my situation. Until now, it has just been another thing to feel bad about but today another woman at work came and told me that she too has MS and we had the time to chat for awhile. It helped me a bit to commiserate in person with someone else who seems to be going through similar things. She said that she even takes Ridlin sometimes to focus. Hearing that actually made me feel better. Here I just kept wondering why I felt so spacey and empty-headed, only to learn that someone else feels this way too. While it doesn't fix my problem, it makes me regard myself with less severity for having the problem. Does anyone else out there have this issue? What do you do to help you concentrate?
I was thinking about just making giant "to do" lists to help me focus on what to do next but I'm not sure because sometimes giant lists just stress me out or make me worried about what I'm not doing. Today I tried just doing things as I thought of them so I wouldn't procrastinate or add the mental stress of another thing left for tomorrow. It did help a little but I also found myself doing several things I did not plan to do at all. Maybe that was actually for the best, I'm not sure.
This is a day for hope. On my way to work and on my way home I listened to NPR and the post election coverage. A great deal of the news and stories I heard almost brought me to tears. I am overwhelmed at the enormity of this election's place in history. I am daring to dream again that we really can combat what often looks like a bleak future. I needed to be inspired and this inspires me.
I am inspired butI am still unfocused. Despite the realization of one of my greatest hopes, I am still struggling to get my own head on straight. I find I am distracted, moody and easily irritated. Nothing seems easy anymore. My mind cannot seem to create a simple list of what to do next or how best to focus my limitd energy. This makes me frustrated and the more frustrated I feel, the harder it is to yank myself out of the funk. While I aspire to look more than a day ahead, something is holding me back. I keep thinking, "If I could just concentrate more or work harder things would get better." Somehow, I don't think this is going to be a mind over matter thing although my husband insists it is. Apparently, if I just decide things will be better, then they will. The problem is I try to make that intention every day but then I find my senses overloaded and my mind abuzz and the control I seek is still not there.
This has troubled me for some time. I am ok with learning to cut myself some slack but I am not ok with having so little control over my own mind or ability to concentrate. I am like a sailboat, carried by the wind with nothing to tether me. I do not like this at all.
This sudden onslaught of ADHD-like behavior and symptoms is not helping me to feel better about myself or my ability to control my situation. Until now, it has just been another thing to feel bad about but today another woman at work came and told me that she too has MS and we had the time to chat for awhile. It helped me a bit to commiserate in person with someone else who seems to be going through similar things. She said that she even takes Ridlin sometimes to focus. Hearing that actually made me feel better. Here I just kept wondering why I felt so spacey and empty-headed, only to learn that someone else feels this way too. While it doesn't fix my problem, it makes me regard myself with less severity for having the problem. Does anyone else out there have this issue? What do you do to help you concentrate?
I was thinking about just making giant "to do" lists to help me focus on what to do next but I'm not sure because sometimes giant lists just stress me out or make me worried about what I'm not doing. Today I tried just doing things as I thought of them so I wouldn't procrastinate or add the mental stress of another thing left for tomorrow. It did help a little but I also found myself doing several things I did not plan to do at all. Maybe that was actually for the best, I'm not sure.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Through the wringer
I'm sure yesterday's post made it quite apparent just how awesome I have been feeling. This day started even worse because despite my best-laid plans, I woke up sick again. I awoke around 3:00 feeling awful. My whole body ached, my stomach and head hurt and my mouth was parched. I got up and took ibuprofin and dreamed of awaking hours later feeling fine. Alas, I awoke again at 6:00 feeling about the same. I slept fitfully until 8:00 (the time I plannned to get up for yoga) and realized that going to class was a pipe dream. I also planned to walk with my sister at 10:30 so I reset the alarm with visions of at least doing something with myself today. I was up again at 9:00 full of guilt about the time I had already laid in bed and the realization that I was going to do more of it. I had a message from my sister canceling the walk but I was relieved because I still felt awful.
I lay in bed for two more hours after that feeling guilty and awful. I was angry at myself for not pushing through. I was angry at myself for not "changing" despite my best intentions. My mind has clearly become my own worst enemy. It won't let me rest when I need to rest. The guilt about not doing better, being better and needing help rarely lifts and yet deep down, I know this is part of why my mental state remains so often tenuous. So many people have listened and reached out to me and yet I am unhealed. I realize that is because this is one demon I have to wrestle alone. Even throughout my mom's careful coaching, I found I did little except loathe myself and create excuses. I did decide to accept the help my husband kept offering so at least I eventually ate and had tea.
After that, I called my friend and we spoke at length for the first time in a long while. I discovered that her daily existence has been as much if not more of a struggle than mine of late. We talked about our shared past that has left us both with high levels of undefined anxiety. We also talked about our tendencies to mentally spin small things into mountains. It seems we also share the feelings of inadequacy and guilt. As she spoke, I just wanted to tell her to be easier on herself. I realized that I need to take my own advice. Even if all the beliefs I have built up about my failures of late are grounded in reality, I can do nothing to remedy them if I constantly dwell on my mistakes. At least for the short term, my guilt has lessened. I cannot know how long this will last but at least now I can acknowledge that I made a good choice today when I just allowed myself to rest. The end of this suffering may not yet be within my grasp but perhaps it's the little stuff that gets us through the day that matters.
I lay in bed for two more hours after that feeling guilty and awful. I was angry at myself for not pushing through. I was angry at myself for not "changing" despite my best intentions. My mind has clearly become my own worst enemy. It won't let me rest when I need to rest. The guilt about not doing better, being better and needing help rarely lifts and yet deep down, I know this is part of why my mental state remains so often tenuous. So many people have listened and reached out to me and yet I am unhealed. I realize that is because this is one demon I have to wrestle alone. Even throughout my mom's careful coaching, I found I did little except loathe myself and create excuses. I did decide to accept the help my husband kept offering so at least I eventually ate and had tea.
After that, I called my friend and we spoke at length for the first time in a long while. I discovered that her daily existence has been as much if not more of a struggle than mine of late. We talked about our shared past that has left us both with high levels of undefined anxiety. We also talked about our tendencies to mentally spin small things into mountains. It seems we also share the feelings of inadequacy and guilt. As she spoke, I just wanted to tell her to be easier on herself. I realized that I need to take my own advice. Even if all the beliefs I have built up about my failures of late are grounded in reality, I can do nothing to remedy them if I constantly dwell on my mistakes. At least for the short term, my guilt has lessened. I cannot know how long this will last but at least now I can acknowledge that I made a good choice today when I just allowed myself to rest. The end of this suffering may not yet be within my grasp but perhaps it's the little stuff that gets us through the day that matters.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Paradigm Shift
I want to make a paradigm shift. I find myself still wallowing in a mold that is unproductive and unwholesome. A few days go by and I feel ok but the slightest upset and I'm off-kilter again physically and emotionally. People keep telling me to be easier on myself but really I have become a needy, self-centered loser of late and I hate that in myself. The more I hate that, the more I tell myself to snap out of it and find a way to be a productive citizen again.
Lately, MS has become a convenient excuse for my inability to get my shit together. I'm tired, I can always skip cooking. I feel sad, I can always moan about it to someone else. Things aren't going well at work, I can blame the kids or the system. Honestly, the problem is me. Yes, I don't feel that well most of the time but this is my life now and so I need to find a way to accept it and quit feeling sorry for myself. I keep waiting to magically snap out of it but I am beginning to realize that is just not going to happen. It might almost be easier without any good excuses.
I keep resolving to myself that I am going to make the shift. I tell myself that every day is a new start. I remind myself that it's a pretty good life. Fifteen minutes pass and I hate myself again because I can't shut off the negative, destructive thoughts. Something has to give. I gave up the anti-depressants and I don't think I really got worse but I also never thought they made me better either.
I feel angry and frustrated with myself for cycling through the same miseries and pitying myself for the same crisis over and over. Even by writing this, I am wallowing. I realize this and yet I feel compelled to just keep writing it anyway.
I have been tampering with my own marriage. The worse I feel, the more bullshit, insecure things I do. The other day my husband joked that if anything happened to him, I would have to take care of him the way he takes care of me. The idiot in my head actually allowed me to say, "I wouldn't do it." Is that really how I feel? No, I love him to distraction but I curently hate myself enough to know that I wouldn't want to take care of me. In the past he has always said that I am a much better person than he is. That's just not true. I could not tolerate me. I wouldn't want to do the extra cooking or housework. I would resent living with someone who was always down or sick. I would also resent receiving nothing for my efforts. Does this mean I don't love Matt enough to take care of him? No, it just means I am super self-absorbed and self-centered. Yuck, I can't stand people who always put themselves first yet there I am. The more disgusting part... Although I have resolved to think more about others and take my head out of the sand, it is unlikely that I will really follow through with this.
I want a shift but I don't really want to do anything to make it happen. Probably shouldn't post this but...
Lately, MS has become a convenient excuse for my inability to get my shit together. I'm tired, I can always skip cooking. I feel sad, I can always moan about it to someone else. Things aren't going well at work, I can blame the kids or the system. Honestly, the problem is me. Yes, I don't feel that well most of the time but this is my life now and so I need to find a way to accept it and quit feeling sorry for myself. I keep waiting to magically snap out of it but I am beginning to realize that is just not going to happen. It might almost be easier without any good excuses.
I keep resolving to myself that I am going to make the shift. I tell myself that every day is a new start. I remind myself that it's a pretty good life. Fifteen minutes pass and I hate myself again because I can't shut off the negative, destructive thoughts. Something has to give. I gave up the anti-depressants and I don't think I really got worse but I also never thought they made me better either.
I feel angry and frustrated with myself for cycling through the same miseries and pitying myself for the same crisis over and over. Even by writing this, I am wallowing. I realize this and yet I feel compelled to just keep writing it anyway.
I have been tampering with my own marriage. The worse I feel, the more bullshit, insecure things I do. The other day my husband joked that if anything happened to him, I would have to take care of him the way he takes care of me. The idiot in my head actually allowed me to say, "I wouldn't do it." Is that really how I feel? No, I love him to distraction but I curently hate myself enough to know that I wouldn't want to take care of me. In the past he has always said that I am a much better person than he is. That's just not true. I could not tolerate me. I wouldn't want to do the extra cooking or housework. I would resent living with someone who was always down or sick. I would also resent receiving nothing for my efforts. Does this mean I don't love Matt enough to take care of him? No, it just means I am super self-absorbed and self-centered. Yuck, I can't stand people who always put themselves first yet there I am. The more disgusting part... Although I have resolved to think more about others and take my head out of the sand, it is unlikely that I will really follow through with this.
I want a shift but I don't really want to do anything to make it happen. Probably shouldn't post this but...
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