Quick update 4-29

I just got home after another very long day so I must keep this brief. Sadly, I go to bed around 7:30 or 8:00 when I can so that I have enough steam to get through my day...

The house deal fell through so I'm back to square one. Fortunately, I did not sign a lease so there were no major financial losses and hopefully a better deal, with better timing will come my way soon. Right now, I just want to get through this school year and start looking ahead. Also for now, one day at a time. I have much to reflect on and I am going to try to be patient and to have compassion on myself.

Today I am grateful for the health and finances to take my time deciding what to do next...

I'll be back

I have not been in blogland for a while and I am only going to stay a moment. I am ok and things may be looking up a little. Seems like the house is sold and I'll go sign a lease on a new place tomorrow. The move is a little stressful but I'm also getting kind of excited. Maybe there is some good, new thing close on the horizon. Vaction is only a little over a month away!

Oh, the 23rd was the two year anniversay of my diagnoses. I actually forgot until today. I can't complain.

Today I am thankful that after two years my health seems good (knock on wood).

My Favorite Things

I have been neglecting the blog. Working out my mental crap here is a bit of an indulgence, perhpas an indulgence better denied, but still alluring.

I got out of town for a week. I would like to claim I have learned the meaning of life and that I feel rejuvenated, but I think the opposite may be true in many ways. Vacation had its moments (don't get me wrong) but it also revealed to me that I have a lot of work to do in my current situation. I need to find ways to feel happy living the life I have in front of me, not in a temporary escape. A hard lesson, but a good one.

So here I am, back at home, trying to unearth my mind from the fog I have allowed to claim it. It's not easy. I have been trying to find a way free from my own discontent for some time, but I have had little success. I keep waiting for external things to change, instead of addressing the internal things that allow me to react adversely to my circumstances. Sometimes I feel like I'm wading through thick mud. I don't think this is one of those things that's just going to fix itself, rather, transformation is something I need to give some active effort, so right now I'm trying to remember my favorite things. Ok, I'm doing that, but I'm also just trying to work things out in my head.

I love music. Yoga brings me a joy that little else does. The spring inspires me. Writing fulfills and inspires me. Dance is an amazing gift. My current good health is also an amazing gift. Here I am, two years with MS, and I can get my body to do just about everything I might dream of doing. That is something never to be taken for granted.

I enjoy connecting with others, when it feels really genuine and meaningful. I still love teaching ( the way it feels when I actually touch a student's life and make a difference). Loneliness sometimes haunts me, but I love my independence. Sometimes home ownership is a burden, but I love my home, caring for my home and knowing that I can take care of myself. I love to feel strong: physically, emotionally and mentally.

I love sunshine, but I also love the sound of rain outside my window. I love art, film and my own creative pursuits. My blogs also bring me joy. I love my family, my friends and my cat. Perhaps oddly, I am comforted by routine and somewhat scared by change. I may cry and moan about it constantly, but I also think I am a little addicted to work. Does that make it one of my favorite things?

I like solitude. I like time to just sit and think but I feel guilty about doing nothing. I love free time, but I am sometimes tortured about how to use it. I write all this and see that this is not simple but I would like to believe that happiness itself is. I do, now to just let it claim me.

Dear blog, thanks for indulging this rather confused rant. Today I am grateful for life itself, challenges and all.

Vacation around the corner

I cannot report that everything is suddenly peachy, but I'm feeling a little better at the moment than I have in a while. There are only two more days until vacation and my formal observation at work is over. I think it went ok but either way, I'm just relieved to have put it behind me.

I realized that part of why I have been feeling down a lot lately, is because I feel inadequate at my job. I also realize that I think about it constantly and try to think of ways to do things better. It may be time for me to ease off on myself a little. I wouldn't give my job all this thought if I didn't care about doing a good job for the kids.

I often find myself musing about a kid and wondering how I can help them be more successful. I may not always manage to make everything better, but I sure do try hard. I think I need to give myself a bit more credit. Sometimes I feel bad taking any breaks from work, but I think I actually do a better job when I find some balance, and it is not my every waking thought. I know I will work a lot during vacation, but I also hope to take a much-needed physical and mental break.

April and May promise to be very busy, but after break, there is only about seven weeks until the school year ends. I plan to spend my summer recharging a bit. I am going to teach some yoga for kids and hopefully get back to some creative pursuits like painting, writing poetry and refashioning. I am still hoping for some big life changes but if they don't come quickly, hopefully these breaks will give me the juice to approach things with new energy.

Today I am grateful for this moment of relaxation and contentment.

A sigh of relief

I am just breathing a small sigh of relief because I decided to take this feed off facebook. Not that anyone can't read it here, but now they have to seek it out. I looked and saw I had 96 "friends" on facebook but the truth is, I hardly know many of those people and some of them are professional contacts. I have been having a rough time lately and I don't really feel like posting my innermost thoughts to facebook. At the same time, I also wanted to keep the integrity of this blog which has always been almost brutally hones.

It seems like lately, I need to force the right look onto my face and the right sort of state into my mind before I can leave home. I don't want to have to fake it, even in my own home. There are good moments. Sometimes I can unearth my mind from my anxieties about work and honestly, just survival, but that is not all the time and the pretending is exhausting.

Today is a "snow day," so I don't have to go to work, yet I find myself tortured still. Really, a day off is just a chance to do more work and I can't even bring myself to do it. I am just counting the days until spring break, but it is still over a week away. I know I should be finding a way to enjoy today but instead I just feel sad.

I know I should work, hunt for jobs or maybe even do something nice for myself but mostly, I am just fantasizing about going back to bed. My problem is not MS and not even real depression, but I feel buried. I can hardly slog myself to the surface and every day I just get through, I feel relieved for.

I am waiting to feel a shift but I feel too bogged down to create it myself. I don't pray, but I'm praying for relief right about now. Something has got to give right?

I always try to end my entries in gratitude but I just don't have today's thought. Maybe that says something about where I am at. I guess I am grateful that not all days seem quite as hard, so maybe tomorrow will be better.

More Creative Visualization

Lately my focus has been almost entirely on working, and not really in a good way... While I struggle against the time constraints, and my own discontent, my mind is not idle. I'm trying not to dwell I want to look beyond this point in time which I find so challenging.

Now that I can feel the spring, I am trying to pull myself out of the mire and visual creative solutions to my problems. So far I am not having much success, but I am remembering how to visualize things that make me feel good. Call it escapism, but it does help a little.

There were a few moments today where I actually did visualize a different future for myself. It felt good. I think that I need to simplify my life. Now I just need to figure out exactly how to do this. I am not sure if I will make the changes myself, or if they will come to me, but my eyes are open and I'm going to continue to dream.

Not enough time or spoons

I have been away from home for the last twelve hours for the third day in a row. Lately I feel so tired I would like to lay down on the hard floor at work and go to sleep but there is always something that needs to be done.

I don't socialize. I don't even get to things on facebook. I know people are sending me messages but I just don't have the time or energy to get there. It's 6:30and I will go to bed by 7:30 or 8:00 so I can stay awake at work all day. I just sat down about ten minutes ago and dinner still needs to be made. Where are my spoons?

I just want to sit here and stare into space but I know I need to eat. I'm wishing to postpone all other chores or even personal grooming until the morning but dragging myself out of bed early enough is a risky business too. I'm just so tired...