I can see clearly now

Yesterday was my first "official" day back to work. In the morning I went to my school district's welcome back rally. In the afternoon we had a staff lunch but I played hookey and went to sub for a vinyasa yoga class instead. I had to leave the rally a little early but right before I left, a speaker had just started to talk. She asked how many "year four teachers" were in the room and had them raise their hands. I am year five so I kept my hand down but then she asked about the significance of year four. The audience noticed it is the year that one becomes a "permanent" teacher in a district. I am actually going into my fourth year for this district so I too am now a permanent teacher. This could not have come at a better time.

The speaker mentioned that the year she became a permanent teacher that the song "I can see clearly now" came out. She said it really resonated for her at the time. At that point I had to leave the rally but I noticed that as I stepped out into the drizzle outside that I was singing that song.
"I can see clearly now the rain is gone.
I can see all the obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me down
It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright sunshiney day."

Even in the rain, I suddenly believed it. In the last two weeks I have overcome old, destructive habits twice. First, I drew my boundaries and resigned from my school's instructional leadership team. I did this to protect my health and sanity. I barely even thought twice about giving up this position of relative prestige in favor of afternoon naps and yoga classes. This was an enormous step for me. I am not even worried about explaining myself to colleagues.

Taking yesterday off to teach yoga was also a huge step. I tried to call in for the afternoon so that I did it by the book but the phone system wouldn't let me so I decided to work the time a day early. I worked the hours Thursday afternoon instead and then without guilt, I took Friday afternoon to teach yoga and relax. It felt awesome to put my needs over a phantom obligation with little meaning. For those who know me best, these were huge steps toward doing the things that were best for me.

I got some amazingly thoughtful comments on my last post. When I wrote it, this new clarity was emerging. Yesterday Blindbeard was writing about what she would do without fear and I found myself goading her on to just do as she wished. I think I am moving in that direction myself. I find that I am beginning to accept my disease and as I do so, I find that I am also accepting myself. For months I have been beating myself up. I have kept asking what I did to cause my disease and wondering why it ever hit me. Now I am beginning to accept the cliche "It is what it is."

Off and on throughout the summer I have been reading "Anatomy of the Spirit" by Carolyn Myss. At times she does make it sound like we cause our disease but at others she is far more pragmatic. She notes, "People rarely choose consciously to create an illness. Rather, illnesses develop as a consequence of behavioral patterns that we do not realize are biologically toxic until they have become so." She also states, "It sometimes takes a concentrated effort to shift your mind to allow yourself to heal." I can accept both of these claims.

I already know what behavior patterns contribute to my illness the most without being told by someone else. It is my type A behavior that gets me in trouble. It is taking on too much and never saying "no." It is also not taking time out for the things I enjoy or the relaxation that I need. I believe that it does take a "concentrated effort to shift the mind" but in this respect I was lucky to get diagnosed with MS quickly. Once I knew I had the disease, I was truly motivated to make the necessary lifestyle changes to keep my health and sanity. I feel that I am entering a time of greater balance than I have ever previously know. Only time will tell if I can maintain this course but at the moment, "I can see all the obstacles in my way" and I am ready to confront them.