Happy Thanksgiving

The day dawned here in Northern California with a heavy fog but now it has burned off and the sun is shining brightly. I too awoke feeling foggy. My head ached and my limbs were heavy. A few ibuprofin, some caffeine and a delicious breakfast cheered me.

Like the clouds, my spirit has now lifted and I am enjoying time with my husband's family. Soon their other guests will arrive. The kitchen where I am sitting is festive with thanksgiving preparations and I am looking forward with anticipation to our shared meal.

This respite from work and home responsibilities has offered a much-needed chance to rejuvenate and reflect. I am reminded again that this is a good life, even when there are bumps in the road. I hope today that all my readers are fortunate enough to be spending some quiet time with people they cherish. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Giving Thanks

I am thankful that tomorrow afternoon I get to go on vacation for five days. By this time tomorrow, I'll be packing up to go to California to see my in-laws. It is quite possible I won't be able to get on the blog for a few but I am enormously thankful for the vacation.

Ever since I was a kid we have gone around the table at thanksgiving dinner and each person has named what they are thankful for. Although it is a family tradtion, I have never really liked it before because my responses always seemed forced or aimed at pleasing. This year I feel different. As I try to remember daily and weekly what I am grateful for I just keep thinking of more things.

I am grateful to be part of the family I am going to see. I am grateful that my own family will meet up in one place and tell each other what they are thankful for while they enjoy a "deep fried" or "blackened turkey." I am thankful that nowdays there is a great tofurky for vegetarians so I can really join the festivities. I am also grateful that all signs point towards a work-free vacation.

Above all, I am grateful for all the love and support I get from people in my life. I am thankful for all the little things my friend and department head continually does for me. I am also grateful for the caring of other close colleagues who help me make it successfully through every day. There are not enough ways for me to say how much I appreciate my friends. I often feel regret that I do not offer them more in exchange. I am most grateful for my husband who gives me a reason to get up every day. The caring and support he has shown me over the last few months is unbelievable. I appreciate all the big and small things he does for me every day and I really appreciate the way he continues to listen even when I speak in circles.

I am lucky! I have love. I have comfort and I still have a job. While I cannot clothe the hungry or protect the innocent, I send forth my greatest goodwill and prayers to all those in suffering and need around the world at this moment.

Friday Thoughts

I better keep this quick... My husband just complained that I spend too much time on the computer. Let me clarify lest I be labelled a junkie. I spend one hour a day at most but unfortunately this hour tends to fall between 5:00 and 6:30 on any given day right when he gets home. I guess it's time for some reshuffling of my schedule. Hmmmm...

Let me apologize now to those blogs I neglect during my busy week and my now limited computer time. I still love ya and I'll try to come by if I get any time to myself.

This was the best week of work I have had in a long time. The kids settled back in to the new term and the chaos in my room was greatly scaled back. I also seem to be getting more outside support for my classes. I have paras twice a day now and a special educator who comes in regularly. I have even had some support getting difficult kids out of my room.

I believe that a change in my attitude has also partly acccounted in the changes I am experiencing at work. I still can't seem to get excited about work but I don't dread it the same way anymore. One of the biggest recent changes in my life has been my new ability to catch myself when I am about to start freaking or stressing out. I have not gotten to the point where I don't react to things but I have gotten to the point where I notice my own reactions more. I may not control my reactions in the moment but I am not letting myself slip into a long, drawn out state of emotional discomfort. It is true that we cannot control all the things that come to pass in our lives but we can control how we deal with those things. I think I am slowly learning to do this. Again I find myself connecting to breath as the key to this process. When I feel myself getting stressed I remind myself to slow and deepen my breathing. It really seems to help. Like the yoga I do on my mat, this is a practice but I am excited to realize that I can do so much with my own mind.

Cured!

No silly, I still have MS but today my therapist told me that I don't need to schedule another appointment. It seems my tool kit is up and working and that I know how to use it to fight depression and anxiety. Her affirmation of me helped me affirm this shift for myself. I feel hope. I am remembering who I am and what I am about. I am accepting the changes in myself and my life. I can smile and laugh again. Tomorrow and the rest of my life are not a burden. The sun will shine and I will bathe in its light.

Choose joy.
Choose to smile.
Choose faith.
Choose the glass half full.
Choose hope.
Choose gratitude.
Choose laughter.
Choose life!

Balance

I have noticed that yoga teachers and meditation teachers alike often talk about finding equanimity. There is something beautiful about that word "eqanimity." It fills me with visions of a perfect peace in the body and the mind. I crave the equanimity and sometimes I find it in my own yoga and meditation practice. More and more I am trying to create these feelings beyond the mat and take them into my life.

I have also noticed that my mind is often in a cluttered place in which my yearning to be entirely present is lost in a jumble of worries about things I can do little about in the moment. In the midst of a break, a weekend or a yoga practice, I will find my thoughts drifting towards little worries that cannot be solved in that instant and things that need not constantly trouble me. I believe it is when I allow these things to overtake my mind that I cultivate depression and anxiety. When I merely notice these things as "mindfulness" suggests and then let them float by like objects in a stream, I feel much more peaceful inside. It is a slow road but I think I am learning to better control my thoughts.

About four days ago I decided to just be happy or at least content and things got easier. When I find myself fixating on irrational worries, I push these things from my mind. I have chosen to focus my thoughts and energy on the small things I look forward to. I think this is positive. There was a while there where I could find nothing to look forward to and nothing to appreciate. My sun stopped shining. Then, about two weeks ago, I started to notice pinpoints of light in my self-induced darkness. There have been many times since then when I have found myself fixated again on what's not working. At these points, I have had to work very hard to keep my mind from getting lost again in those dark places but I am determined to enjoy what peace and happiness I can find when I can find them. I have renewed my efforts to do the things I enjoy and to spend time with the people in my life who make me feel good. The more of this I do, the less guilt I feel about the things I am not doing.

I realize that I need balance in my life. I may spend a lot of time at work and that may often get me down but still, that is not my whole life, nor is it who I am. Yesterday's invocation of things I am grateful for reminded me just how many things there are outside my job that define me and bring me joy almost every day. This weekend I was able to live almost entirely in the moment. Today I can say that despite some health issues, this was a good weekend. I got to do everything I wanted and needed to do just by balancing my time and thoughts in ways that made sense. Tomorrow I will continue to seek balance as I move through my day.

Gratitude

One of the things I have been trying to focus on lately is all the great things I have in my life. I was reading in "Yoga Journal" about the positive impact that gratitude can have on ones life. The article stated that people who regularly remind themselves what they are grateful for tend to be more satisfied with life. I can certainly see why this could be the case. When we stop and take the time to remember the great things in our life, they tend to outweigh the negatives. I know this is true for my own life. When I look back at the year before my diagnoses, I see that just about everything I ever dreamed of had fallen into place. Almost all those things are still there so I have a great deal to be grateful for.

In think I need to take the time more regularly to remember how good I really have it so perhaps I'll try to do this more often. Today I am grateful for many things. I am grateful for my mind. I am especially grateful for my loving husband. My pets give me great satisfaction with their unconditional love. I have an awesome, accepting family and most of them are here in Denver. They invite me places and let me be myself. They don't burden me with unrealistic expectations and as I have changed and struggled, they have supported me rather than finding fault in the changes I have gone through.

I have had an amazing education. I get to continually learn and challenge myself with my job, even when it is hard. The things I do at work mean something no matter what. I have caring supportive friends at my job and some kids that I really connect with.

I own my own home! I have a new car. I get to go to yoga and teach it all the time. Even more importantly, I have lots of love from my friends, family, pets and husband.

I listen to the news and I am reminded just how much so many people globally have lost and suffered in recent times, then I look at my little worries and they are nothing. People are constantly losing their jobs and their homes and I still have both. I never want for food or shelter. I get to enjoy small luxuries all the time. While I have small health challenges, overall I am doing great six months after my diagnoses. I have so many reasons to be positive and hopeful about my future. This short journal hardly scratches the surface of just how lucky I am and how much I have to be grateful for. I will have to write more about this again soon.

Why do the "good" die young?

I lost a student last night. I found out right when I walked into work today. Last night "Jorge" was involved in a fatal motorcycle accident.

I don't want to talk about his death. I want to talk about what I knew of his life.

Jorge had the ability to light up a room. He was friendly and charasmatic. He had a huge smile that made others feel great. Jorge understood respect. He was and is a credit to his beautiful family. Sometimes reading and writing were hard for Jorge but he always did his best in class. He worked hard and did his homework. Lately teaching has been hard for me and sometimes I would think about Jorge to get myself to go to work. He truly exemplified what a teacher seeks in a student.

Last Friday I found a card in my box. It was a hand painted card from Jorge. It says, "Thank you for helping me become a better reader." That card made my day. No, it made my year. I have Jorge's card on my bulletin board.

I will always remember Jorge as a bright patch in the center of a decaying school.

I walk away asking, "Why did it have to be this one?"