Decision Time

I promised myself just over a week ago that if my head-space did not get better within a week, I would reconsider going on anti-depressants. I made it halfway through Tuesday (even wrote a nice hopeful blog post), and then the depression and anxiety hit me like a load of bricks. I found myself talking aloud, praying (something I don't do), and basically begging God to take mercy on me and to take away the pain. "I can't live like this, I can't live like this," I chanted to the unsympathetic walls. I scared my cats with my tears and outburst but there was a voice in my mind whispering, "It doesn't have to be like this. There is help to be had." It took all my will power and determination, but I finally emailed my doctor to ask for anti-depressants again (Effexor). I even called the pharmacy. I spent the evening alternately yelling at myself and crying. I promised myself that I would stick by my decision and follow up on getting the meds first thing on Wednesday. I got up, felt lousy and still managed to call and email again. Dragged myself out of the house and to the dentist's office. While I was there I had to decide whether I was going to authorize them to do over $300.00 in dental work and order me a bite guard (for clenching my teeth, huge surprise there). The total bill was $736.00. I don't have that kind of money right now. I was pretty well ready to just lay down and give up, but that's not me, not the real me. So I pulled myself together and said, "Put it on a credit card and a prayer." I forgot to mention... Tuesday night when I emailed my doctor, I made the decision not to second-guess my choices. I made the decision to be really kind to myself. I made the decision to do whatever I needed to do just to deal with day-to-day life. I decided to put my well-being above all else until I can feel strong, happy and in charge again. I think this was the best decision I have made in a really long time. I also feel proud of myself for making the big decision to help myself by admitting my need for help and not shying away from the dental decision. I think I might have a new, new year's resolution: be decisive and feel good about my choices. Anyway, back to my story... So when I got out of the dentist's office I still had not heard from my doc. Five minutes later though, I checked my phone again and I had just missed his call. He had prescribed me the med and asked me to call him. I did. He was very kind and reassuring and promised we would talk again in the next few weeks. My neurologist also emailed to check on me. By the time I had picked up my med, I felt so good about myself for taking this very hard step, that I even drove all the way to Boulder to meet a friend and take a hike. Last night, I felt some of my darkness had lifted. Going on this med is hard. For me the physical adjustment is intense and I know it may take some time, but I am determined to stick with it, to really just live one day at a time because I know beneath the chemical cloud of sadness cast by my depression, I am a strong, tough fighter.

I want to be in charge

By the time Sunday night rolled around, I was fed up, ready to give up, and ready to email my doctor for anti-depressants, but then I was again faced with the idea that I really have no reason to be unhappy. Well this realization can only take me two ways: my struggles are either purely chemical, or I just have a hard time remembering how to allow myself to be happy. At that point, I decided to fight my hardest to be in charge of this thing. Is it possible to just continually decide to be happy? I suspect it might be. I decided I just have to give it my best try. Yesterday was a pretty great success. Today through trial and error, I am at a minimum ok, maybe a bit better, but I can feel the crazy lurking underneath. I got myself out of the house not long after awakening today. This kept me from devolving in ways that I do not wish to devolve, but did not save me from indulging in some acts of crazy. My latest, and largest obsession, is job hunting for next year. It doesn't seem to matter how much I remind and reassure myself that I have time, it's early and I will find something, I still think about this problem every day almost the minute I open my eyes. I keep thinking that if I can just get this figured out, everything else will fall into place. I wish that were really the case. I just can't seem to relax about this issue for long, no matter how much time I spend reassuring myself. I made a deal with myself that on my free days I would send out two cover letters. Of course today, despite my generally better state of mind, I sent out four, and I feel an itch to do more. I have been getting replies from a few of my letters, but each of them has been to tell me that the position I am seeking has already been filled. I suspect I am spinning my wheels in many cases, applying for phantom posts... And even though I know this deep down, I can't seem to stop myself in the same futile process every day. The thing is that I know myself. I know my own compulsions. It is super-difficult to coax myself into down time. I kept telling myself yesterday that laying around with a novel is hardly wasting my life or ruining my chances of finding a job for August, but I must have done a poor job of convincing myself because when I considered such an option this morning, I felt that bubble of contentment I spent yesterday creating, starting to slip a bit, and I knew that if I didn't leave the house, I would slide down that sharp abyss of mind into a place of darkness. I believe that I may have the ability to control my state of mind, to be in charge of how I feel, but I wish it didn't feel like "work." Until Sunday night, I found myself fighting so hard against impending anxiety and depression that my head ached. The last couple days I am not fighting nearly as hard, but it is still there, closer to the surface than I want it to be. That is why anti-depressants remain a bit of a lure to me. I promised myself a week to try a commitment to happiness, so I am really trying...

Not licked yet

Sometimes I just want to lay down and never get back up. I just want to succumb to the darkness obliterating my light, my reason but I am not ready to stop struggling. I am not ready to just give up. I might if I had never felt like this before... But I have known darker times, tougher days and still gone on to know happiness. I wrote the other day about a break in the clouds. I have more of those these days now than I ever have had before in times of anxiety and depression. I am watching myself, trying to decide how many days of anxiety and depression, days where I feel powerless and unmotivated that I can take before I just give in and email my doctor for an antidepressant. So I count the days, good versus bad, and I cling onto the little things that give me hope, the little things that bring relief and sometimes even happiness. Today I am winning the battle. I won it Thursday, fought a skirmish yesterday, and survived, and now I look forward to a good day today and tomorrow. I am not licked yet...

Life without antidepressants

I am not going to lie. I will not even sugar-coat the truth for mysel,f or anyone else bothering to read this. I remember now that life without antidepressants is hard. At the time of my diagnosis, I fought hard to avoid all meds. It took a year before I went on Copaxone, and another year before I finally committed to taking Effexor for depression and anxiety. I think the thing that finally brought me to the Effexor was my anxiety. I found myself absolutely incapable of being present. All I could focus on anymore is the stuff I thought I needed to do. I also felt guilty about not being able to shake off the bad feelings enough to even do the stuff I was worrying about. Being on antidepressants was like taking a two year vacation from worrying about anything for more than about five minutes. I learned to let go of my anxieties and to just enjoy and trust in the present. I found tools for coping with challenges, but with the help of Effexor, it was easy to use the tools. All the stuff that had previously gotten me down, just quit bothering me. I learned to worry less about what others thought, and to ignore my imaginary grand score-card in the sky. I stopped really being concerned about my ability to take care of stuff. I just trusted that I would take care of things effectively when I must. I did not waste any energy worrying about how and when I would take care of stuff. I even learned to feel better about just relaxing and hanging out. I was less driven by the nagging feeling that I must be forgetting something. Now, drug-free, I am looking at my world, my future and my mounting to do list, and I am not quite so confident. I am doubting myself more. I indulge in moments of "crazy" where I feel guilty about not running one more errand, or doing one more chore before I "reward" myself with a break. What the hell happened to all my positive momentum toward self-acceptance, happiness and actualization? I am glad I can still remember a bit of what life felt like on Effexor. It often helps me talk myself down from the crazy, but I admit to losing some sleep. I wake up in a sudden panic with ugly things in my mind, like competition or comparison of myself with others. And yet I know, down that path lies only bitterness and discontent. Lately I discover that I am again giving myself points or demerits on that imaginary score card and I hate it. Then I turn around and hate myself a bit. That too is a vicious cycle. Remembering life on the Effexor cloud is harder. Does this mean I will go back to the Effexor? Not just yet. I wanted to remember what it felt like to live life with out anything to block the "realness" of it. Now it's real, and sometimes it is hard, but I am not ready to give up on my current course yet. I really do believe I can do this!

Looking Back in Order to Look Forward

Many things about this summer were/are great, but there have also been challenges. Sometimes it is hard not to get mired in the challenges, so I thought I should take a moment to look back and to remember both the good and the bad. This summer I spent a lot of time feeling ill but that is my summer norm. Things are rough when it is hot and things are also tough when I am as busy as I have been. Despite, the physical challenges, I find that today I am probably in the most top physical shape I have been in since before MS. In fact, in some ways I am even healthier and stronger now. This summer I also made some big life changes. I went to the Dominican Republic, fell in love with the country, and met a wonderful man. Before I came home I had already resolved to quit my job and to start making steps toward moving to the DR. When I got home I quit my job, took a new half time teaching job to keep my benefits and launched my own business full speed. To top off all the change, I quit my anti-depressant. Not everything has been perfect or easy. I have had to keep going, showing up to teach and perform all over the city, even while sick. I dragged myself to my day job many a time when I was not feeling well. Quitting the anti-depressant was physically much harder then anticipated. For about a month my body ached, and I experienced a lot of nausea. Now the clouds are lifting but now I remember what it is like to feel, really feel life. All this feeling is harder than I remembered it was. I have had some trouble with a few of my jobs lately. First, via email my yoga boss told me she was giving one of my regular classes away to another teacher. Then, also via email, my aerial boss gave one of my aerial shifts to another teacher. On the bright side, neither change was made because they had problems with my teaching. The changes were made to benefit others but I am stressed about the income lost and a bit insulted because I have bent over backwards to promote both studios and to fill in when they were desperate for coverage. Apparently some folks have little compassion or loyalty. On the flip side of all this, I have to remember just how far I have come in a few short months. After less than three months, I have regular shifts using my business name, an after school cirque yoga gig, and two upcoming workshops scheduled. I also have had the chance to perform 3 times this summer and I have two shows booked for the fall. My new business page already has 35 likes and they keep coming in. I even notice that people are using the info on my business cards to stay in touch. I realize that for an aerialist with a year of experience, things are really taking off. Sometimes I have to take a moment to look back in order to look forward.

The good, the bad and the ugly

The Good: I am signed up for a week of classes at the circus festival, the class is great and day 3 starts in an hour. The Bad: I feel too awful to go and I missed yesterday too. The Ugly: My health insurance from my old job ended yesterday, and my old employer never even got me the stuff for COBRA so I am temporarily uninsured. I find the timing of all this suspect. Was this just a giant episode of self-sabotage? The Good: Things were going great, not just great, perfect. I felt great, I was getting really strong, all my dreams were coming true. I just seemed to be ending up in all the right places at the right times. The Bad: I forgot to take one of my twice-daily antidepressants. Then, I kept forgetting one a day on purpose. I did this for a while, and still felt fine because I was ingesting enough of the medication to keep my body from experiencing withdrawal, but not enough to be quitting cold turkey. That was until the Friday/Saturday fiasco. The Ugly: Friday night I went out for my friend's birthday. We had some drinks. Then we had some more. I wasn't wasted but I wasn't sober. I avoided puking, but maybe I didn't have enough hydrating liquids. I stayed up until 4am. I woke up after a few hours. I was only a little hung over but then I had to go to rehearsal. Spinning and upside down are not your friends after drinking. Skipping your antidepressant entirely, after a unsupervised medication taper, is also not a friendly experience. Apparently, getting off antidepressants is a bit painful. Me duele mucho. The Good: I am tough and used to taking care of business, even when I feel cruddy. The Bad: I can survive taking care of the things I must take care of, but now I am missing the stuff I actually wanted to do. The Ugly: MS makes you unsure what symptoms are worthy of concern. Right now I feel flared but I really think it is just med withdrawal. The wild card here is of course the MS. Am I MS sick or meds sick? The ugliest part: I can't even call my neurologist to ask.