Patience

Embrace the sunshine when the sun shines. I am still not ready to write something of or about Cara but I feel a pull to write, to just let words spill out on the page and see where they lead. Every year in my yoga classes right after new year's I talk about letting go of the old to make room for the new. Now I ask myself, "What layers must I shed? What do I seek in the year ahead?" I think until June that there is little I want to change in my external realities but much I seek to change internally. I have only one "resolution" but it is massive, not a resolution I expect to excel at or to perfect anytime soon... I continue to seek patience for all things. I know that there is not much I can change about necessities like going to work, but I can change my reactions. Busy almost automatically indicates stress to me. When I tackle a giant list of things to do, constant driving and responsibilities to others, my modus operandi is to speed up and create crisis out of next to nothing. Needless to say, not good for my physical or mental health. I often view all my responsibilities as burdens rather than celebrating the fact that after almost six years living with MS, I can still support myself and my little family. Sometimes I feel like I would rather sleep than go teach yoga or aerial when instead I might be better served enjoying the fact that I still can do these things. I cannot allow my passions to become my burdens. People are always surprised when I call my diagnoses one of the best things to ever happen to me but it is still true as long as I remember what it has taught me. Living with MS has taught me to treasure the moment and to celebrate every day I get up with my physical and mental abilities intact. Yeah, it has forced me to slow down and to sometimes do less, but that is a good thing, not a drawback. When I am inclined to push to hard, I remember it is better to rest and to save my strength for another day. If I can just remember this all the time, than I can allow myself to go more slowly, to do less, to stress less and to take optimal care of my mind, body and spirit.

Freedom from

There have been moments in the last few days of extreme lows like nothing I have experienced in a long while, but there has also been some very joyful moments, and some moments of great clarity. I had one of the clarity moments earlier. I was teaching yoga and my focus for the class was on an aspect of ahimsa (a yama or "yogic principle"). The aspect I was focusing on is one interpretation I have heard where ahimsa means, "freedom from." Usually we talk about ahimsa in terms of non-harming or non-violence, in this case, the "freedom from: might be freedom from violence towards oneself or others in deed or action. If I have somehow misunderstood or misquoted, may the yoga experts forgive me. I try to relate what I teach to things that have meaning in my life at any given time. Anyway, I digress... So in class I was talking about "freedom from," suggesting that students insert their own word into this phrase to fit their needs, and I kept thinking, "freedom from fear." Fear often impinges on my world and mars my present, so I always want freedom from this fear. To make a long story short, when my students were in svasana (a final, sedate, supine pose) I was thinking about the idea of freedom from, and I realized it was not so much freedom from fear that I sought, it was freedom from expectation. So much of what brings me down is expectation. It is my perceived idea of what others expect. It is my expectation of myself (also often based on what I think others expect). It is my default expectation that things will not work out the way I want them to, or that I will somehow "fail." In short it is negative thinking based on expectations (many of which are also negative). I have a huge self-expectation that everything I do must be done well, that everything I create or do must be done with some kind of final, or grand outcome. Sometimes the joy of doing the things I enjoy (even blogging) gets lost in my expectations about the final product. Exhausting. The other day I drew a sketch just to practice. I didn't think I needed to create some final, near perfect thing. I loved the process. As I realized all these things about my own expectations, I also realized that is what I really want freedom from. It is such a cliche to say, "It is what it is" but truly, It is! I want, "Freedom from expectations."

Looking Back in Order to Look Forward

Many things about this summer were/are great, but there have also been challenges. Sometimes it is hard not to get mired in the challenges, so I thought I should take a moment to look back and to remember both the good and the bad. This summer I spent a lot of time feeling ill but that is my summer norm. Things are rough when it is hot and things are also tough when I am as busy as I have been. Despite, the physical challenges, I find that today I am probably in the most top physical shape I have been in since before MS. In fact, in some ways I am even healthier and stronger now. This summer I also made some big life changes. I went to the Dominican Republic, fell in love with the country, and met a wonderful man. Before I came home I had already resolved to quit my job and to start making steps toward moving to the DR. When I got home I quit my job, took a new half time teaching job to keep my benefits and launched my own business full speed. To top off all the change, I quit my anti-depressant. Not everything has been perfect or easy. I have had to keep going, showing up to teach and perform all over the city, even while sick. I dragged myself to my day job many a time when I was not feeling well. Quitting the anti-depressant was physically much harder then anticipated. For about a month my body ached, and I experienced a lot of nausea. Now the clouds are lifting but now I remember what it is like to feel, really feel life. All this feeling is harder than I remembered it was. I have had some trouble with a few of my jobs lately. First, via email my yoga boss told me she was giving one of my regular classes away to another teacher. Then, also via email, my aerial boss gave one of my aerial shifts to another teacher. On the bright side, neither change was made because they had problems with my teaching. The changes were made to benefit others but I am stressed about the income lost and a bit insulted because I have bent over backwards to promote both studios and to fill in when they were desperate for coverage. Apparently some folks have little compassion or loyalty. On the flip side of all this, I have to remember just how far I have come in a few short months. After less than three months, I have regular shifts using my business name, an after school cirque yoga gig, and two upcoming workshops scheduled. I also have had the chance to perform 3 times this summer and I have two shows booked for the fall. My new business page already has 35 likes and they keep coming in. I even notice that people are using the info on my business cards to stay in touch. I realize that for an aerialist with a year of experience, things are really taking off. Sometimes I have to take a moment to look back in order to look forward.

Acro Yoga

I never understood all the fuss about partner yoga until I tried Acro Yoga. This practice fuses everything I love about acrobatics with everything I love about yoga. In acro yoga there is the joy of flight, akin to my experiences with aerial yoga and dance, but entirely unique in apparatus (your apparatus being another human being). So while you fly in this practice, you never fly alone. Acro Yoga is a beautiful practice requiring, focus, strength, empathy and trust between partners. Even then, the practice is much more expansive than two people. I think a meaningful practice requires a willingness to develop a rapport with multiple partners and spotters. Often only two people execute a sequence of poses while physically connected, but even in practice, this again requires more than two people. We practice with spotters. We also practice things that require multiple people. For me, this practice exemplifies what yoga is all about. The word yoga means union, and there is no acro yoga without union. Want to try it? click here to find a teacher in your area.

Personal Wellness Plan

I do not think there is a one size fits all plan for dealing with injury, chronic illness or disease. This is merely the humble opinion of one person diagnosed with a chronic illness but it makes sense to me. My own experience is purely in the realm of living with MS, but I still think that each individual has to find their own formula to health, a sort of a personal wellness plan.

It has taken me a few years to get my own plan figured out. The process was one of trial and error. The first year after my diagnosis, I felt ill and exhausted a lot of the time. About a year and a half into things, the MS seemed to be progressing as evidenced by my MRI. The results of last summer's MRI motivated me to take some action. Until that point, I had not stuck to any drastic diet changes and I had not committed to a medication. I wanted to make some more informed choices so I did two things. First, I researched DMDs (Disease Modifying Drugs) a bit more, and then I also ordered extensive genetic testing to see if food allergies might be contributing to my symptoms.

I won't claim that my DMD research was particularly scientific, but it fit my personal style. I put a set of queries on this blog and out through emails to other people with MS where I asked about personal experiences with the drugs. Frankly, I was most interested in the unique experiences of the users. I wanted to hear about side-effects and how taking the DMDs effected people's day-to-day life. After looking through all the responses to my questions, I chose Copaxone because I felt it fit my lifestyle best. I wanted a drug with minimal side-effects that would hopefully allow me to make it to work every day. This proved to be a good choice for me because my only issue has been site reactions, and these have not had a major effect on my daily life. My most recent MRI showed no new lesions and a small decrease in activity on the left side of my brain.

The genetic testing involved a few steps. I ordered some of the tests online from a place called Entero Lab. I had to send in a cheek swab and a stool sample for this. They tested for soy, gluten, yeast, egg and dairy allergies. I also went to my acupuncturist and he did a blood test that we sent in.

The results from my genetic testing indicated an allergy to gluten and possible sensitivity to soy and yeast. The lab also suggested that I give up eggs and dairy because of my autoimmune disorder. This suggestion was later amended by my acupuncturist because I did not show a significant allergy to these things but rather, I was on the high end of normal. My acupuncturist said to eat these things in minimal amounts. I have tried to do this. One thing I did was switching to mainly goat cheese.

My blood tests indicated some other additional areas to watch. I was cautioned to stay away from most beans. I was also allergic to tuna and garlic.

Both sets of tests seemed to indicate that gluten was my biggest problem. At the time, I was vegetarian and relied heavily on gluten, soy, dairy and beans for my protein. I decided to cut all of these items out of my diet and to try eating meat again. It was hard at first, but now I am accustomed to my new diet. I think the hardest thing to give up was the gluten.

I cannot say for sure what changes have made the difference, but about a month after I started Copaxone, and a few weeks after I changed my diet, my daily migraines began to taper. This year I have felt much better then last year, so I am sticking to a few simple things.

My personal wellness plan is pretty simple. I get plenty of sleep. I try to carve time out of every day to meditate, do yoga or take a little mental break. I get regular exercise through my yoga practice. I try not to eat foods with soy or gluten, and now I eat some meat. I take my copaxone and I try not to take many other medications. This summer, I am mostly staying away from caffeine. During the school year, I will have some to help me keep going instead of relying on other medications. I am hoping to keep my caffeine intake down this year as well. I don't spend a lot of time dwelling on my diagnosis and for the most part, I don't worry about what direction the MS will take. I try to make healthy choices but MS takes the back seat to living my life.

I won't claim that my plan will work for everyone but I will claim that everyone has to engage in some trial and error to find a plan that works for them. I think a good plan has to be flexible because circumstances change. Just because I have a plan that works for me today, I do not delude myself that this plan is set in stone. I will keep adjusting as things come up. I think that is all anyone can do.

Firebird Yoga

I just got a great idea for a new yoga company and blog I wanted to start. I would like to welcome all my readers to check out Firebird Yoga. I am still working on the font colors so I would love your feedback.

I plan to continue writing about yoga there. I also plan to take photos and possibly video to share with my readers. I will talk about yoga for every body and need. I hope to bring the joy of yoga to both healthy and seriously ill individuals. Please take the journey with me.

Namaste,
Denver Refashionista

For my yoga students

When I teach yoga I like to give freely of myself, to nurture my students and to help bring them closer to their true selves. Nevertheless, I get as much out of my teaching as they do. Teaching yoga gives me a home, a place of sanity to stand when all I want to do is howl at the moon. It reminds me to breath. It reminds me of my favorite prayer by Saint Francis of Assisi:

"Lord make me an instrument of thy peace
Where there is hatred, let there be love
Where there there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is despair, hope
Where there is darkness, light.
Oh divine master--
Grant that I might not so much seek to be consoled, as to console
To be understood, as to understand
To be loved, as to love
For it is in giving that we receive,
And it is in death to self
That we are born to eternal life."
Amen.

My heart is filled with gratitude for the things I receive from teaching yoga. I bow to my students. I bow to the teacher in all things. I prostrate myself to the divine with the faith that I will find a way no matter what.

Let yoga be your candle in the dark.
Let it lift you and fill you.
Let it in inspire you
Take what you discover on your mat into the world
And create peace, love and harmony.