Still flying

I rarely do any writing these days. I am very busy teaching and performing and I only have one day off a week if I am lucky. When that day arrives, like today, I am exhausted: physically, emotionally and on bad days, spiritually as well. In many ways, I am living my passion and my dreams. My only real complaint: my day job and the need to make a good living to take care of my family keeps me working a job I care little about. I find myself at work daydreaming about circus life, distracted from my actual work by looking at aerial pictures and videos, updating my Firebird Moving Arts page on facebook, anything to pretend that my whole life is moving arts. And it is. At least it is the moment I leave my day job. Too bad my day job takes most of my time... These days money is always a big thought in my mind: how to pay for the life my husband and I want for us and his child (soon to be with us, I hope). I am not complaining, merely noticing. I still am grateful every day that my health remains so stable, despite the MS. Honestly, this disease motivates me. Why wait until tomorrow to do something you want to do today? I am conscious of the unpredictability of MS. One day soaring, the next potentially unable to walk. I am determined to fly for as long as I can, to keep growing stronger, to fulfill all of my creative urges. I find myself unwilling to even contemplate dumbing down my art. It would be easier to choreograph an aerial act and perform the same act for a while but I am forever driven to create new things. I don't want to chose easy. I want interesting!

Patience

Embrace the sunshine when the sun shines. I am still not ready to write something of or about Cara but I feel a pull to write, to just let words spill out on the page and see where they lead. Every year in my yoga classes right after new year's I talk about letting go of the old to make room for the new. Now I ask myself, "What layers must I shed? What do I seek in the year ahead?" I think until June that there is little I want to change in my external realities but much I seek to change internally. I have only one "resolution" but it is massive, not a resolution I expect to excel at or to perfect anytime soon... I continue to seek patience for all things. I know that there is not much I can change about necessities like going to work, but I can change my reactions. Busy almost automatically indicates stress to me. When I tackle a giant list of things to do, constant driving and responsibilities to others, my modus operandi is to speed up and create crisis out of next to nothing. Needless to say, not good for my physical or mental health. I often view all my responsibilities as burdens rather than celebrating the fact that after almost six years living with MS, I can still support myself and my little family. Sometimes I feel like I would rather sleep than go teach yoga or aerial when instead I might be better served enjoying the fact that I still can do these things. I cannot allow my passions to become my burdens. People are always surprised when I call my diagnoses one of the best things to ever happen to me but it is still true as long as I remember what it has taught me. Living with MS has taught me to treasure the moment and to celebrate every day I get up with my physical and mental abilities intact. Yeah, it has forced me to slow down and to sometimes do less, but that is a good thing, not a drawback. When I am inclined to push to hard, I remember it is better to rest and to save my strength for another day. If I can just remember this all the time, than I can allow myself to go more slowly, to do less, to stress less and to take optimal care of my mind, body and spirit.

Decision reached for now

As I sat worrying the other night about what to do with my Copaxone situation, it occured to me that if the choice had involved my anti-depressant, there would have been no choice. I would have just bought my med with credit and a prayer. It also occurred to me that my physical health is as important to me as my mental health. I would spend every cent in my arsenal in order to keep doing aerial dance. Once I had this realization, my choice was clear, start stripping (JK). Actually, I knew that I would contact the drug company to get help with my copay. I also decided that even if I could not get help to pay for my med, it is a more important expense than everything except food and rent. There really was no decision to be made: the choice was clear, if there is any chance that Copaxone is the reason I can do the things I do, I want to stay on the drug. I want to continue to fly!

Update 8/18/13

Summer vacation has been great. Really great. Great to the point I find myself too busy doing other things I love to even bother blogging. Not that I don't love blogging... I do but there is always some chance to go do aerial or to play at acrobatics in the park, or to go out with friends and family. Tomorrow I officially start on my new job so I thought I would write a quick life update before I get caught up in tons of work stuff. This year I will be teaching ELD (English Language Development) (ESL) to elementary school kids in Denver K-5. I think I am going to like it but it will be a lot of work. In other news-- I am engaged to a Dominican man named Jose. His fiance Visa was just approved so soon he will be living with me in Denver. We plan to get married soon too. We are super-happy and excited. My health is good (knock on wood). I feel good both physically and emotionally and I thanks to aerial dance, I am getting stronger all the time. I can even do pull ups now ( a feat for an adult female). I am feeling toned, thin and buff. I am absolutely addicted to aerial. When work starts I hope to maintain a good balance of work and play. Here is a link to my latest aerial video.

Me and Jose

This really sums it up

Sometimes a picture better explains what I have been up to than anything I might write today.

A Very Brief Update

I have been thinking about blogging but I have had a cold for two weeks on top of my regular busy schedule and by the time I have a break, I just want to lay curled up with the cats and read. Mostly I have been focused on staying rested enough so I can make it to all my jobs. Money has been a bit tight, but I have just been buying groceries and staying home. I have still gotten out to take a few aerial dance classes and to practice some acro yoga with friends. Generally I have been a bit tired for these things but it has been a tough winter for me so far, and every time I go fly in aerial or acro, I remember the stuff that makes life worth living. In the hard times, remembering those things seems essential. Speaking of flying... Check out this article by Erin Mathiason about my aerial and moving arts classes. In this article you can also learn a bit more about how MS has influenced me as both a teacher and a yogi. Happy reading.

Another day in the life

Not all that much to report here. I imagine the picture on this post will be by far the most interesting part. Still busy but I do have a few vacations looming. from last Thursday to the end of this one, I have a lot happening. This past Thursday, I performed at a gallery for Dia de los Muertos. This was my first "paying gig." Problem is, I have yet to get paid... By Saturday, I was completly exhausted. I slept 12 hours, got up, did dishes and then went back to bed for 3 more hours until it was time to go to tech rehearsal for my Saturday night show. At rehearsal, I was the only one still sipping coffee at 2:30pm, and the only one who skipped actually practicing for the show. It took 20 ounces of coffee and two Aleve before I could even bring myself to take a good stretch. Luckily, adrenaline, friends and my aerial idol (my sister Alex) got me through Saturday night's performance. I even went to the cast party, after which it was back to bed for another sleep marathon. I wanted to take yesterday off completly but I needed to rehearse for this week's show (Denver RAW Awards, I am up for performing artist of the year for Denver). I also had to run some errands, but then it was back home to sleep some more. I dragged myself out of bed for dinner and then I went back to bed for another 11 hours. Today I was still tired even after all that sleep and we have parent/teacher conferences until 5:30, so I am still at work, sipping my 4th caffeinated drink of the day (don't lecture me, it's that or Provigil, and it is not a daily thing, lol). The week is just beginning and it is not about to slow down. When I leave here I still have to go teach aerial dance. Then, extra early on Tuesday, more conferences, teaching school and then teaching yoga. Wednesday, repeat, stay late at work and then go rig for Thursday's show. Thursday, another extra early start, teach school and then go to the venue for a long night of face painting and performing. Friday, extra-early start after show, regular teaching day and then, a really, really epic nap that may not end until sometime on Saturday. I am excited to spend Saturday creating a permanent indent on my couch. Here's the good news. I love all the stuff I do these days so even the busy is not so bad other than the fatigue. Thanksgiving week I am going out of town for almost an entire week of yoga and nature retreat. December 4th, I leave for the Dominican Republic for an entire month. So even in the midst of the insanity, I have some great time off to look forward to.

10/27/12

I have been working hard; really hard, and now I have a day off and I am so physically and mentally fatigued that I can't really even remember what it was that I was going to do for myself today. Yesterday I knew I was going to write a blog entry. Trouble is, I don't really even remember what I planned to write about but I woke up thinking, "Today I will write a blog entry, maybe two." Those of us who have MS know that sometimes our brains get foggy and sometimes we are just so tired that all it seems we can do is stare at a wall. I think I am close to that state and so what is coming out feels very random and disconnected. Still, I am compelled to write, so if you are still reading, bear with me. Yesterday I read a blog entry by a lady recently diagnosed with Guillain Barre. Her writing caught my attention because she mentioned how her illness forced her to drop out of yoga teacher training. I was hit with the immediate impulse to respond, the impulse to tell her not to give up hope, the impulse to tell her my story, to encourage her to pursue her dreams. I wanted to reassure her, just as I reassure myself that an autoimmune disorder does not define our entire life. I needed to remind us both that it is still possible to dream and to pursue our dreams. I really had to think about what I wanted to say because there is a fine line between, "Look at me and what I can do" and offering another person a success story. More randomness, but there is a tie in... I still have a hard time even believing that my current life is real. How did I get to where I am today so suddenly? A year and 3 months ago I got serious about aerial dance. Last October I performed for the first time. This November, I will perform 3 times in one week. I still keep expecting to wake up and discover that this is not real. This feeling serves as a constant reminder to love the moment. For me, happiness has been about coming back to who I really am, the person I somehow always was underneath it all. It is strange how we are born perfect, exactly as we are and then we often spend our entire life trying to reshape ourselves into what we think we are supposed to be. I think I have finally gotten back to me, but I am afraid that ego will get in my way and ruin my enjoyment of the experiences and opportunities before me. It is a fine line between enjoying being a performer because it is my nature and creating my performer persona. It is my nature to invent and perform but I need it to be for me. If this disease has taught me anything, it has taught me that any action that I take contrary to my true nature is highly detrimental to my health and happiness. So I create characters and book shows, and I try to remember why I am doing the things I am doing. I notice the minute I think too much of my work as obligation or business, it robs me of joy and causes stress. The stress in turn causes health issues and obliterates the point of even performing and owning a moving arts business. It is a fine line. I want to "make it" as an artist and teacher, "live the dream" but not lose sight of the stuff that actually matters. That is a tall order.

Looking Back in Order to Look Forward

Many things about this summer were/are great, but there have also been challenges. Sometimes it is hard not to get mired in the challenges, so I thought I should take a moment to look back and to remember both the good and the bad. This summer I spent a lot of time feeling ill but that is my summer norm. Things are rough when it is hot and things are also tough when I am as busy as I have been. Despite, the physical challenges, I find that today I am probably in the most top physical shape I have been in since before MS. In fact, in some ways I am even healthier and stronger now. This summer I also made some big life changes. I went to the Dominican Republic, fell in love with the country, and met a wonderful man. Before I came home I had already resolved to quit my job and to start making steps toward moving to the DR. When I got home I quit my job, took a new half time teaching job to keep my benefits and launched my own business full speed. To top off all the change, I quit my anti-depressant. Not everything has been perfect or easy. I have had to keep going, showing up to teach and perform all over the city, even while sick. I dragged myself to my day job many a time when I was not feeling well. Quitting the anti-depressant was physically much harder then anticipated. For about a month my body ached, and I experienced a lot of nausea. Now the clouds are lifting but now I remember what it is like to feel, really feel life. All this feeling is harder than I remembered it was. I have had some trouble with a few of my jobs lately. First, via email my yoga boss told me she was giving one of my regular classes away to another teacher. Then, also via email, my aerial boss gave one of my aerial shifts to another teacher. On the bright side, neither change was made because they had problems with my teaching. The changes were made to benefit others but I am stressed about the income lost and a bit insulted because I have bent over backwards to promote both studios and to fill in when they were desperate for coverage. Apparently some folks have little compassion or loyalty. On the flip side of all this, I have to remember just how far I have come in a few short months. After less than three months, I have regular shifts using my business name, an after school cirque yoga gig, and two upcoming workshops scheduled. I also have had the chance to perform 3 times this summer and I have two shows booked for the fall. My new business page already has 35 likes and they keep coming in. I even notice that people are using the info on my business cards to stay in touch. I realize that for an aerialist with a year of experience, things are really taking off. Sometimes I have to take a moment to look back in order to look forward.

Summer Preview

Tomorrow signals the last official work day of the 2011-2012 school year for me. Students finished on Friday, and my work is done, so I just need to go in to check out-- then begins my official summer. I am dedicating this year to me, "The Summer of Nadja." This summer I will figure out what I want to do when I grow up:) Seriously, I am dreaming of leaving my current, large, career responsibility behind and striking out on a new path. As you might imagine, my biggest concern is how to find and keep some decent health insurance if I change careers or just embrace life as a bohemian (any reader insights or suggestions on this one would be most appreciate). Anyway, enough about that boring grown up stuff, this blog entry is dedicated to previewing my exciting summer plans. Also, check out the link from my latest aerial performance. The excitement begins in June with my performance in a "Social Circus" fundraiser. This is followed by a trip to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic for a week of kid-free, resort play on the beach. Then I return to a gig teaching circus camp and playing in aerial land. In July, I am going acro yoga nuts. I have a hand standing workshop, acro classes and an acro for aerialists workshop to attend. All the acro excitement culminates in late August with an acro yoga "solar immersion" for acro "ninjas." I can't wait!