Life without antidepressants

I am not going to lie. I will not even sugar-coat the truth for mysel,f or anyone else bothering to read this. I remember now that life without antidepressants is hard. At the time of my diagnosis, I fought hard to avoid all meds. It took a year before I went on Copaxone, and another year before I finally committed to taking Effexor for depression and anxiety. I think the thing that finally brought me to the Effexor was my anxiety. I found myself absolutely incapable of being present. All I could focus on anymore is the stuff I thought I needed to do. I also felt guilty about not being able to shake off the bad feelings enough to even do the stuff I was worrying about. Being on antidepressants was like taking a two year vacation from worrying about anything for more than about five minutes. I learned to let go of my anxieties and to just enjoy and trust in the present. I found tools for coping with challenges, but with the help of Effexor, it was easy to use the tools. All the stuff that had previously gotten me down, just quit bothering me. I learned to worry less about what others thought, and to ignore my imaginary grand score-card in the sky. I stopped really being concerned about my ability to take care of stuff. I just trusted that I would take care of things effectively when I must. I did not waste any energy worrying about how and when I would take care of stuff. I even learned to feel better about just relaxing and hanging out. I was less driven by the nagging feeling that I must be forgetting something. Now, drug-free, I am looking at my world, my future and my mounting to do list, and I am not quite so confident. I am doubting myself more. I indulge in moments of "crazy" where I feel guilty about not running one more errand, or doing one more chore before I "reward" myself with a break. What the hell happened to all my positive momentum toward self-acceptance, happiness and actualization? I am glad I can still remember a bit of what life felt like on Effexor. It often helps me talk myself down from the crazy, but I admit to losing some sleep. I wake up in a sudden panic with ugly things in my mind, like competition or comparison of myself with others. And yet I know, down that path lies only bitterness and discontent. Lately I discover that I am again giving myself points or demerits on that imaginary score card and I hate it. Then I turn around and hate myself a bit. That too is a vicious cycle. Remembering life on the Effexor cloud is harder. Does this mean I will go back to the Effexor? Not just yet. I wanted to remember what it felt like to live life with out anything to block the "realness" of it. Now it's real, and sometimes it is hard, but I am not ready to give up on my current course yet. I really do believe I can do this!

Another day in the life

Not all that much to report here. I imagine the picture on this post will be by far the most interesting part. Still busy but I do have a few vacations looming. from last Thursday to the end of this one, I have a lot happening. This past Thursday, I performed at a gallery for Dia de los Muertos. This was my first "paying gig." Problem is, I have yet to get paid... By Saturday, I was completly exhausted. I slept 12 hours, got up, did dishes and then went back to bed for 3 more hours until it was time to go to tech rehearsal for my Saturday night show. At rehearsal, I was the only one still sipping coffee at 2:30pm, and the only one who skipped actually practicing for the show. It took 20 ounces of coffee and two Aleve before I could even bring myself to take a good stretch. Luckily, adrenaline, friends and my aerial idol (my sister Alex) got me through Saturday night's performance. I even went to the cast party, after which it was back to bed for another sleep marathon. I wanted to take yesterday off completly but I needed to rehearse for this week's show (Denver RAW Awards, I am up for performing artist of the year for Denver). I also had to run some errands, but then it was back home to sleep some more. I dragged myself out of bed for dinner and then I went back to bed for another 11 hours. Today I was still tired even after all that sleep and we have parent/teacher conferences until 5:30, so I am still at work, sipping my 4th caffeinated drink of the day (don't lecture me, it's that or Provigil, and it is not a daily thing, lol). The week is just beginning and it is not about to slow down. When I leave here I still have to go teach aerial dance. Then, extra early on Tuesday, more conferences, teaching school and then teaching yoga. Wednesday, repeat, stay late at work and then go rig for Thursday's show. Thursday, another extra early start, teach school and then go to the venue for a long night of face painting and performing. Friday, extra-early start after show, regular teaching day and then, a really, really epic nap that may not end until sometime on Saturday. I am excited to spend Saturday creating a permanent indent on my couch. Here's the good news. I love all the stuff I do these days so even the busy is not so bad other than the fatigue. Thanksgiving week I am going out of town for almost an entire week of yoga and nature retreat. December 4th, I leave for the Dominican Republic for an entire month. So even in the midst of the insanity, I have some great time off to look forward to.

10/27/12

I have been working hard; really hard, and now I have a day off and I am so physically and mentally fatigued that I can't really even remember what it was that I was going to do for myself today. Yesterday I knew I was going to write a blog entry. Trouble is, I don't really even remember what I planned to write about but I woke up thinking, "Today I will write a blog entry, maybe two." Those of us who have MS know that sometimes our brains get foggy and sometimes we are just so tired that all it seems we can do is stare at a wall. I think I am close to that state and so what is coming out feels very random and disconnected. Still, I am compelled to write, so if you are still reading, bear with me. Yesterday I read a blog entry by a lady recently diagnosed with Guillain Barre. Her writing caught my attention because she mentioned how her illness forced her to drop out of yoga teacher training. I was hit with the immediate impulse to respond, the impulse to tell her not to give up hope, the impulse to tell her my story, to encourage her to pursue her dreams. I wanted to reassure her, just as I reassure myself that an autoimmune disorder does not define our entire life. I needed to remind us both that it is still possible to dream and to pursue our dreams. I really had to think about what I wanted to say because there is a fine line between, "Look at me and what I can do" and offering another person a success story. More randomness, but there is a tie in... I still have a hard time even believing that my current life is real. How did I get to where I am today so suddenly? A year and 3 months ago I got serious about aerial dance. Last October I performed for the first time. This November, I will perform 3 times in one week. I still keep expecting to wake up and discover that this is not real. This feeling serves as a constant reminder to love the moment. For me, happiness has been about coming back to who I really am, the person I somehow always was underneath it all. It is strange how we are born perfect, exactly as we are and then we often spend our entire life trying to reshape ourselves into what we think we are supposed to be. I think I have finally gotten back to me, but I am afraid that ego will get in my way and ruin my enjoyment of the experiences and opportunities before me. It is a fine line between enjoying being a performer because it is my nature and creating my performer persona. It is my nature to invent and perform but I need it to be for me. If this disease has taught me anything, it has taught me that any action that I take contrary to my true nature is highly detrimental to my health and happiness. So I create characters and book shows, and I try to remember why I am doing the things I am doing. I notice the minute I think too much of my work as obligation or business, it robs me of joy and causes stress. The stress in turn causes health issues and obliterates the point of even performing and owning a moving arts business. It is a fine line. I want to "make it" as an artist and teacher, "live the dream" but not lose sight of the stuff that actually matters. That is a tall order.

Update 10/20/12

Finally a day off and a chance to update everyone on the latest. First and most importantly, my health is good overall and even better, my body is doing the things I ask it to without much protest. Second, I feel truly blessed. Lately, it seems like all my hard work has really been paying off. Last week I was written up in a local arts blog. Then, the next day I was booked for my first paying gig coming up November 1st. Things got even more amazing the following day when I won a nomination to compete in the RAW Denver Awards show in November for the Performing Arts category. I also had the chance to teach an awesome partner yoga workshop last week with a friend and I have booked another aerial yoga workshop at another studio for November. So overall business is booming and more importantly, I am getting a chance to do all the things I love. On Thursday night I got to perform at a club for my first time with the RAW Denver Artists. Here is a link to my most recent aerial performance.

Nominate Me

Nominate me for the RAW Denver Artists Award Show: Use the link in this message to nominate me and to buy tickets to my upcoming show. You will need to register the first time you go to vote to get a login but after that, you will just be able to login and vote once daily. Please take the time to do this because this presents an enormous opportunity for me as a performer. You don't have to be a local to vote.

Where my syringes go to die

I decided to photograph my containers of used copaxone syringes before bidding them farewell to the trash.

Stress is Bad for MS

Stress is not just bad for MS, it is just bad for health in journal. Let me clarify a bit. I don't think that all stress is bad. Sometimes there is also good stress; the kind that comes with trying to juggle the things you love. Stress can also be a great motivator. Stress sure motivated me this morning when I saw my pay stub. I was motivated to reduce several payments, cancel some stuff, and ask my roommate to help out a bit more on the bills. Nevertheless, I can hardly call all that motivation good stress. Note to self, do not wake up and check your bank balance while still in bed. It immediately eliminates the restoration from a good night of sleep, and it also immediately elevates ones stress. I felt good when I woke up, but I single-handedly changed that by creating my own stress worrying about money. I'm on vacation from teaching school for two weeks and I promised myself to use this time to rest, recuperate and take care of the little stuff I never seem to have time and energy for. In the meantime, I have managed to clutter my head with financial worries. Bills, shmills. If I don't pay them, maybe the cats will (Lol). Seriously, who knew that health insurance was going to gobble up over an eight of my paycheck. Here I am, one of those spoiled rotten teachers always complaining about my enormous salary and free, excellent benefits. Not so much... After taxes, retirement and insurance, my check was only about $1,200.00. And some folks think teachers are over-paid... Sure, I cut back to half time, but I never expected this hard a hit. I became a part-time teacher so I could enjoy the happiness associated with being a bohemian. Health and happiness are so much more important than money, but now that I have none, I realize that money is rather helpful at times. Anyway, the day is only half over and I have lowered my bills by about $300.00 a month (not bad for a morning of phone calls). I bought a ton of groceries to top off my morning of running around with my head cut off, and now I am safely home and much relieved to have finished the "stressful" part of my day. My heart rate is back to normal, headache and nausea are gone, and all I had to do was reduce my stress. Amazing how that works.