My close friend and acro yoga partner died in a car crash on Friday. Since then I have been thinking to write something but then I find either I can't, or I am not willing to put memories to the page because then they have a way of becoming my truth and I am still sorting out my truth.
When each of my grandmothers passed away I was almost instantly able to write something that captured the things I wanted to capture. Not so now... I think I feel different because my friend was so young. I just saw her, just talked, just practice acro and she was healthy and happy... My grandmothers each lived full, long lives. Death brought an end to their suffering, a sort of peace for each of them and my family. There is no peace in the death of my friend.
Why is it that when someone dies, we want to imagine that there is some "good" that may come about as a result of their death or some explainable reason for it? What if there is no good that come of it? What if there is no "reason?" Is this the sort of thing that makes those with faith in God have doubts. If I actually believed in God, would I be questioning my God? I cannot find reason in these events. These events are not reasonable in any way.
I feel sick, spiritually and mentally. I am trying not to judge my own reactions but it is hard not to when I see others in a flurry of activity caring for her pets, planning memorials and raising money. I feel paralyzed and powerless. I can't even put words on paper that feel adequate, let alone plan anything. I find myself shying away from memorials a bit. I think about my friend and how she would have looked at all the fb comments and been like, "Really? these people didn't even know me..."
We all grieve and cope however we grieve and cope but it is almost like folks are attracted to tragedy like flies to a kill. I have no stomach for it right now. I don't want to go to a memorial filled with spectators who met my friend in passing or only via facebook.