Therapeutic yoga class and other stuff

I got my start teaching at Harmony Yoga about a year ago. I found out about Harmony through my newly diagnosed workshop. A woman in my group went to Harmony for therapeutic yoga and recommended the class. The class was/is geared toward people with auto-immune disorders like MS, Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis. It is a great class at a level that even those in wheelchairs can participate in. I have loved this class since I started going last May. Early in my MS, many folks in the class gave me the support and advice I needed to get started on living! my life with MS. It also gave me the opportunity to meet the owner of Harmony and to get involved at the studio.

While I was teaching school this year, I could never go to the class but now that summer is here, I get to go back and assist. I have gone twice now and I still really enjoy it. I admire the way the class offers something for everyone there. I find the environment supportive and nurturing. I wish there were more opportunities like this one for people with MS.

Today in class, I found myself contrasting this group and the "thirtysomething/newly diagnosed" MS group I attend once a month. The therapeutic group is composed mostly of people with MS. I am the youngest in the class. The other members have had MS 10+ years. Most of them have some difficulties with mobility. Several have walkers or canes and others limp or have a part of their body that no longer works the way it used to. Despite, these challenges, I have rarely encountered such a warm and positive group of people. Participating in the group does a few things for me. Assisting gives me a chance to help others who have helped me. Taking the class teaches and nourishes me. The class also gives me a lens into some of my possible futures. I wonder, will I lose some of my mobility? Will I relapse at some point and fail to come back all the way? Yet despite these questions, this group gives me hope because the people in class seem to live full, happy and productive lives.

In my MS support group, everyone except me is on a DMD( Disease Modifying Drug or Interferon). Everyone seems to have their good and bad days but they all are still working full time. Most of the folks in my therapeutic group seem to be retired. Many of them no longer have relapses but seem to have moved into the more progressive stages of MS. Most of them have tried the DMDs but for one reason or another, they no longer take them. The newly diagnosed seem more anxious and uncertain about where MS will take them. The folks in the therapeutic class seem to have been there, done that. I really admire the positivity in the therapeutic group. I really empathize with the other people in my newly diagnosed group. Both groups make me think and reflect on where I am at with my MS.

Now another topic... I am warming up a little to facebook. Another "long-lost" relative found me and now I am discovering more cousins I never knew existed. I never realized there were so many Tizers. I sent out a bunch of friend requests today (something I never do) just so I could connect with some of these people. I am especially excited to note that most of them live in Israel. I have always wanted to go there and now I have an even better reason and a place to stay.

Fresh Air Fund

One of my readers asked me to post this so here it is.

Begin message: The Fresh Air Fund is looking for runners and sponsors to join our Fresh Air Fund-Racers team for the NYC Half-Marathon on August 16th. This is a great way to participate in NYC's premier summer road race while helping Fresh Air Fund children. Website:

http://freshair.org/racers

Last summer's NYC Half-Marathon was a huge success and the Fresh Air Fund-Racers raised more than $125,000. We are also still in need of Friendly Town hosts for next month. Host families open their hearts and home to a NYC child who would not otherwise have the opportunity to escape the hot, crowded city streets.

Check out the site to see if you might be able to help out some kids!
Nadja

Edits and Revisions

Life can be a lot like writing. We remember and learn as we go. We continually revise and edit our visions of ourselves and others. We learn from past experiences and adjust as needed.

Right now I am getting ready to edit the first chapter of my memoir. I am curious to look back at the person I was when I wrote it. I am interested to see how I have changed and grown. I actually wonder if I will read the whole thing and toss out half. That is how it often goes. We think we know something, feel certain and then look back on it and wonder what the hell we were thinking.

I hope to find some perspective in looking back. I think that my life continues to improve but on days like today, I need a little reminder.

I am a little frustrated. I slept poorly, plagued by nightmares that reoccured each time I slept. I feel sick. It started on the weekend with achy joints and by Monday, progressed to vertigo. I felt better yesterday morning after loads of sleep but by afternoon, I felt exhausted and nauseous again. Today I feel the same although I slept about twelve hours. I wanted to go to yoga but right now it seems like too much. A little of my old guilt is creeping in and that voice in the back of my head is telling me I should be doing something even though I have nothing I need to do.

This is where I revise. I rewrite the script that is filled with guilt to one of acceptance and gratitude. I accept that some days I must just rest and recuperate, even if it is inconvenient. I am grateful because I'm not completely incapacitated. I am grateful because I don't have any commitments and there is no better time to just rest.

Now I will go and edit my manuscript and perhaps I will learn a little more about myself and my journey in the process.

For the newly diagnosed and struggling MSer

Lately I have read a couple blogs that made me reflect on my own experiences when I was newly diagnosed with MS. Mike wrote about "Why I cry listening to the radio." Robert Parker wrote about the major challenges he is currently suffering. Please drop by their blogs and send them some love. Below are portions of the comments I left for Mike and Robert that I wanted to share because I hope it may help other struggling MSers.

I was diagnosed in April of 2008 and I can tell you it does get easier. I used to think that maybe MS would lead me to lose my job, my house and many of the things I cared about. It has not brought any of these losses into my life but MS has taught me to slow down and prioritize. For a while I was so sick and anxious I was afraid I might have to quit my job as a teacher. Now I have finished a full school year with MS and it was ok.

Since my diagnoses, I also completed 200 hours of yoga teacher training and I am now a yoga teacher (a big dream realized). You might think I could do all this because I have mild MS but I actually had 3 relapses in the space of a year so it has not been easy. As my mental state has improved and I have learned my limits, my health has improved. Don't be afraid to rest or ask for help. Don't be afraid to cry. In the end I think you will smile more if you allow yourself to grieve. Being diagnosed makes you face your own mortality. It is a death itself but it does get easier. Hang in there!


In my first year with MS I experienced almost everything I see newly diagnosed MSers talking about. I had a panic attack every day and often puked before work. I got so depressed that I felt like I didn't want to live anymore. I couldn't even think of a reason why I bothered.

I had a driving issue very recently as well. Both my arms went numb and I got stuck at the airport too panicked to even drive. I was terrified. I thought I might have to rush to the ER. In time, it went away.

These days I take Klonopin for my anxiety attacks. It really helps. I still have bad health days too. Yesterday I stayed in bed all day because of vertigo. The difference is that now this causes only minimal panic because time has taught me that I will find a way.

I can also relate to the idea of thinking you might lose something you love. My first question after my diagnosis was: "Will I still be able to become a yoga teacher?" Sometimes I still get dizzy in yoga or can't balance but I just back off and rest when this happens. I know I still may lose huge parts of my asana (physical) practice but I trust that even in a wheelchair, I can do something. Life as you know it may be over after an MS diagnoses but that does not mean that other great opportunities do not await you. MS has really changed my life but it has also given me "gifts" I could never imagine.

Hang in there. You will find a way, it just may take time. It probably took me a year before I finally could look ahead and enjoy each day again. My therapist said that such things teach us to truly be present so I focus on one day at a time and try to make the most of it. The uncertainty was what caused my anxiety and I found the only remedy was to take each day, each minute as it comes. You will be ok.

Vertigo

The one thing I dread most about MS is my bouts with vertigo. I have not had a bad one since the fall but today I woke up and rolled over to find myself spinning. I still managed to get out of the house to an early appointment but I felt rather disoriented. Unfortunately, when I got home it came back. I tried to ignore it but after running to the bathroom three times thinking that I would puke, I gave in and laid down. I still felt bad so I finally took some Dramamine. That of course put me to sleep and I slept through everything. Now I'm up but I still don't feel all that well (vision is cloudy, stomach upset and slight headache). My hope is that I will sleep it off tonight.

I guess the good news is that I had no really pressing obligations although I got bent out of shape about not doing the things I wanted to do. I am hoping for a better day tomorrow.

My next MRI is on Sunday so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything is still A-Ok. Overall I have been feeling pretty good lately so I think things will be fine.

Artistic Endeavors

Lately I have been inspired to create a lot of different art. Here I have posted my latest watercolor of some Pansies. The other photo is a rose patch I just designed and embroidered for a jacket refashion I am working on. Some of you know I have also been writing a bit of poetry. My latest poem was posted yesterday and is also featured this week on the Carnival of MS Bloggers. Be sure to follow the link and check out the other writers/artists featured this week.

Finding the Muse

I lay in the darkness but sleep eludes me.
A clutter of useless thought crowds my mind,
These worries wash me in discontent.
But there is no need for worry--

I shove aside all concerns and center my mind.
I escape this husk
Travelling through visions of creation
In this state, everything I imagine, I can create.

It comes to me within these visions--
Time is key
Take the time,
I can manifest each thing I imagine

Results become unimportant.
I am adrift in sensory images.
My hands caress this design I have crafted from old things made new
I feel the texture of the fabric beneath my fingers.

I am not troubled by the distance of my vision
I can see now that I will create this thing
It does not matter when
It does not matter how long it takes

Just the existence of each artistic vision
Ensures I will somehow create what I imagine
There are no words to describe it
Behind my closed eyes, it is entirely clear.

I can wait--
I just must remember the things I have fancied,
As I drift toward slumber
They warm and inspire me--