Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired

I guess the title says it all. Really I can't come complain (comes with the territory) but this year I have been spoiled. Up until January, my health was almost spotless for a very long time. Now, like every one else, I have actually been getting sick again.

I got sick and had to call in at the last minute in January. In February, I got a bad cough and cold that lasted over two weeks, and last week I was rather flared. Basically, everything just seemed to be painful and inflamed. I slept most of it off, but I still keep getting twinges. For me, these seems to manifest in extreme, nauseating exhaustion. Needless to say, I am ready for the last of this to pass. I am blaming the fickle weather (gotta blame someone).

Taking Action

Sometimes it seems easier to be swallowed by inertia. We feel discontent, but we find it simpler to complain, wallowing in our circumstances, than it is to act. Taking action requires more strength than allowing oneself to just tolerate the suffering.

So here I find myself again, shifting the chains I allow to bind me, mind and body. The weight of habit is enormous. Shifting that weight requires dedication and persistence.

Many times before I have tried to shift this weight, but my efforts often seem fruitless. Sometimes it seems that changes I seek come not from my efforts, but from some shifting in my universe. I try and try to make the changes, but nothing happens, but then, somehow miraculously, things do change, not in tiny shifts, but in grand proportion.

I used to take a yoga class that I really loved. The teacher always reminded us at the end of class, "Trust that everything will unfold exactly as it is meant to." There is no assurance in this affirmation that "everything will turn out right, or everything will turn out how you want or expect it," but there is a surety that things happen with some order. I suppose this assumes there is a divine power greater than ourselves, but I guess we each also assume what is most convenient for us to assume, so I live with the faith that things will work out for me. It's not that I expect they will be perfect, or even that they will be what I expected. What I do expect is that I will always learn something during the journey. So I cast a new pebble into the pond of my life and wait to see which direction each ripple takes.

Reflecting

For the first time in several months, I find myself alone in the afternoon with nowhere I have to be. The only times this has been true in the last few months, was on the sick day I took last week after coming down with a bad cold. Since when did illness have to become my only personal justification for a break? In noticing this, I feel rather ridiculous. Here I am, nearly four years after my diagnosis, and I still have to fight my own urge to continually overdo and to constantly say "yes" to everyone and everything.

I have had a little time to myself in the evenings lately-- enough time to recognize that I am not as happy as I could be. It's not utter discontent, but it's also not the dizzy happiness of my fall. Nothing has really changed except that in the last few months, in my enthusiasm for new pursuits, I have gotten a little carried away.

I actually have gotten so busy that I have started forgetting important details. I forgot to confirm a sub for my yoga class a few weeks ago and on Friday, I completely spaced out my sister-in-laws' birthday party and went to bed. Both these happenings are highly uncharacteristic, and a great reminder about the stuff that really counts.

As I examine my discontent, I ask myself, "What can be cut out and which of my activities is stressing me out (in a bad way)?" I love teaching yoga, therefore I will not cut that. I love aerial dance, so I won't cut that. Lately, I mildly despise teaching school. Actually, it's not so much the work itself, it's really all of the extra work that goes into being a great teacher. I find that I would rather save my weekends and evenings for myself than be a "great" school teacher. I know that even at my worst, I am better than many, but it just is no longer my passion. Teaching is my passion, but not teaching high school, and not teaching full time.

Right at the moment I know I must just get through the school year but after that-- big changes need to happen. So in my mind, every time I get a free second, I am plotting and planning. "How do I work this? How do I keep doing the things I love without giving up my health insurance?" I guess for a person with MS, it is good that this is my biggest concern. Not a day goes by where I do not feel thankful for my good health, not just my good health, but the fact that I get to teach yoga and to fly (in aerial dance).

Now, how do I work this...

New Year, New Dreams

I usually think about a new year's resolution-- sometimes I keep it, sometimes I break it... This year I did not so much make a resolution, as set the intention to follow my dreams and opportunities wherever they might lead.

I have let MS, the shoulds and musts dictate far too much of my life for too long but in the last year or so I have really been trying to follow my dreams and to enjoy life as much as possible. I think it is paying off in health and happiness.

As I move into the year, I don't want to let anything hold me back. I want to wait on recording my latest ambitions, but I do have my sights set on getting out of public school teaching sooner than later and embracing a life choice that allow my to focus on yoga, acro and aerial dance.

Guest Post by Melanie Bowen

Setting Goals and Improving Health

An excellent quality of life is an important step of improving health and beating any type of sickness. Whether the prognosis is a rare cancer like mesothelioma or a long-term chronic disease like diabetes, taking time to set goals and write down accomplishments can result in benefits to any patient. Quality of life is not about being a patient; rather, it is about setting goals, taking steps to achieve the goals and then writing down the accomplishments.

Helping Health:

The National Cancer Institute points out that setting short term and long term goals can help take the mind off illness. By taking measures to remove the stress of constantly thinking about sickness, it is possible to improve quality of life throughout the day and week. Start you path to healing by setting personal goals.

Setting small daily goals is a key component to helping make quality of life better. Small goals might include fitting in a little extra exercise, trying something new for stress relief or even reading a chapter of a book for relaxation—all of which aid recovery.

Setting Long Term Goals:

Having long term goals gives hope and confidence. By having a few goals to look forward to reaching, it is possible to forget the problems and work toward something worthwhile. Whether the goal is something like having a child or something like graduating from school, it helps manage the situation.

The National Cancer Institute suggests that while long term goals are important to plan, it might also require some flexibility based on the situations that might arise.

Writing Accomplishments:

As goals are met, it is important to write it down as an accomplishment. This applies to both the short-term goals of a day or two and the long-term goals that might be months away. Writing down what was accomplished helps keep the mind focused on the positives rather than the negatives.

Having a reminder of the accomplishments goes further than just noting that a goal was met. It brings the focus on reaching set goals and working toward something as well as possible under the circumstances. It also provides motivation to continue trying to reach further goals and keep setting new tasks to reach toward as quality of life improves.

Goals and accomplishments are more than just a list of things to try before death: they are hope that life will continue on long beyond the estimates of doctors. Severe illnesses like cancer or diabetes might seem scary at first, but working toward something helps improve the situation for a better lifestyle while undergoing traditional treatment.

“Melanie Bowen is an awareness advocate for natural health and holistic therapies. You will often find her highlighting the great benefits of different nutritional, emotional, and physical treatments on those with illness in her efforts to increase attentiveness and responsiveness on like topics"

The latest

Another day off-- thank goodness. I have been super-busy with work and preparing for my next aerial show this weekend.

I went and saw my neurologist last week and she said I was doing "great" and that I don't need to see her again until next year. I also don't need to get another MRI until June so things on the health front are still looking up.

I continue to balance my busy schedule with plenty of rest and a prayer I don't catch the latest bug :) Honestly, some days I feel better than others. I still tire easily, but I can feel my stamina building. All my aerial training is making me increasingly strong and flexible.

Yesterday one of my yoga students (a social work student)asked to interview me about the mind-body connection. I spent some time thinking about it, and then I told her the story of my diagnosis and how that period in my life forever changed my relationship with my body and my overall life view. I have said it here before, but every day is a gift. I really understand the importance of being present, enjoying the moment, and seizing opportunities when I can seize them. I also told her that I have found that when my mind is in a good place (I feel happy,) my health also seems to be better. When I am living with joy, I can do more both physically and mentally. If that does not give evidence of the mind-body connection, I'm not sure what does. My awareness of my mortality, of the fleetingness of health and physical ability, makes my life richer. If I thought I had forever to do these things, I think they might mean less, knowing that I need to make the most of the moment, makes the moment more precious.

Living Fiercely

I still vividly remember a time during the first year after I was diagnosed where life was colorless-- all just a bunch of "what ifs" and struggle to survive. I also remember talking one day with my then husband, and realizing that I no longer had any real dreams or desires. Everything I did was somehow based in fear. I worked so I could pay my bills. I rested so I could be well enough to work, and I fought tooth and nail just to keep what I had--continually wondering if it was even worth the cost to my physical and mental health. He asked me about my bucket list and I was painfully aware that I didn't even have one.

Fast forward three years from that moment... I find myself in an entirely different state of mind. I work to live, but i don't live to work. I still work hard but I am prioritizing my activities. It can be all work all the time so now I go to aerial dance and fantasize about joining the circus. I have stopped saying no to every invitation and every activity outside of my job. I am about to turn 35 and I have a bucket list that is alive and well. My new priority, having fun doing things I love.

Last night I crossed a new item off my bucket list when I performed my first aerial dance routine. When I came home and looked at the photos, I told my roommate, "I look fierce." I love feeling like a bad ass :) If MS has taught me nothing else, "Carpe Diem."