I only have a moment to stop and reflect right now before I have to run out. It seems like I always have somewhere I need to hurry off too... Right now the thought is making me a bit irritable but the honest truth is that if I were to stay here now, my only desire at the moment is to go back to bed. I feel tired, not just tired, weary. That is something that has not really changed in the last six weeks.
Things are shifting, not as much as I would like but they are shifting. It's still hard to drag myself out of bed but I am not paralyzed by anxiety the way I was. (This is where I left off 3 days ago to run off, I'm just now getting back to the blog).
I have some time today to finish this post. Yesterday I was sore and fatigued in a way I have not been for a long time so when I woke up this morning, still exhausted, I decided to go back to sleep and take my last available sick day of the year. I slept deeply and well, and when I got up, I felt so much better. Gone is the rain of yesterday, and the sun is shining. I got right out of bed when I awoke again and even thought for a little that I was fully rested and no longer sore. That turned out to be a bit untrue. I do feel better then yesterday. My hips don't ache so badly and I don't feel like a ninety year old woman anymore, but I am still tired. The good news is that since I took the morning off, I still have about four hours until I need to leave home to go teach yoga. So now, after my power sleep, I think it is time for another nap.
While my mental state is much improved these days, I have still gone back to my pre-diagnoses guilt about things like taking the day off, sleeping in, or just laying around the house. I am no longer so anxious, but there is still this annoying little voice in my head that is always questioning if I am forgetting something or if there is something I should be taking care of. The most annoying thing is that although that voice is quieter, it never fully shuts up and so I feel half-guilty about taking a break. Normally, I would still be at my day job so this time would be occupied but I am still here questioning myself about whether there is something I should be taking care of. This thinking is crazy for anyone, but is especially crazy for an exhausted woman with an auto-immune disease. Life is entirely too short to go through it feeling bad about my choices. It is also too short to be packed full of must-dos rather than things I want to do, therefore, I will now try to go take a guilt-free nap before I need to go teach two yoga classes.
Now vs. 6 weeks ago? A lot better but I am still crazy:)