Today, for the first time in ages, I feel a desire to blog. I often work things out best while I write. It makes thinking and problem solving easier but I am not good at journalling. I guess I always feel like the things I put time into should end in some sort of product. Somehow I feel more like I did something important or accomplished something if I can see a finished product.
Anyhow, yesterday I resigned from my job teaching public school. It was not something I had planned to do: just yet, but I have fantasized about doing it for a long time. The thing is bills, responsibilities and expectations have kept me from making the leap up until now. All those things are still issues but yesterday I unexpectedly found myself at a tipping point with no great options. It was actually kind of anti-climactic. I found myself in a situation where I suspected I might be fired so with very little real information about why I might lose my job, I decided I should just resign rather than fight anything my bosses or HR might said I did wrong. From a legal standpoint, I think i could have fought the tide and won but in that moment, I realized I did not even want to fight. I saw an opportunity to leave behind the stress in good conscience. To further settle my conscience, I even offered to stay out the term. Surprisingly, they let me go then and there with no repercussions and a note that I could reapply in 3 years if desired. since there is no black mark on my record from this, I can only assume their grounds for considering my dismissal were flimsy at best. Even with this knowledge, I am glad I resigned. I am scared but new opportunities may await. I don't really believe that "things happen for a reason" but why not comfort myself by thinking that now. I turn 40 next week. Is this a mid-life crisis or destiny? That remains to be seen, but now I just want to make a future plan that allows for greater happiness and better self-care.
I am healthiest when I am happiest. I am least stressed when I am doing the things I love. I want to make art full time. I also recognize that may not be realistic in the long term. I think I need to look at a solid new career but I have been getting some great advice. Namely, don't rush into anything. Take time for yourself. Rest a bit.
Being type A, this is hard but I think I have a short term plan to help me keep balance. I have a good sized to do list that can be divided into manageable chunks. I already completed most of today's list and I have time to rest and relax too. I realize I do not this kind of list and some projects to help me feel purposeful and productive but with this tool and a lot of friend and family support, I think my plans are forming and pitfalls for depression are being largely evaded.
I also think that this blog is going to be a great tool in the coming weeks. I suspect there will be many emotional ups and downs. sometimes you just need a listener who just listens, one who does not criticize or offer solutions. They really just listen. Thank you blog. I will return soon.