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Monday, December 22, 2008

Feeling like a big *@&!

I hate MS! I don't so much hate it for the physical inconveniences. I hate it for the havoc I have allowed it to wreak on my life and on my mind. I hate it for letting me be comfortable with allowing myself to flake out on people. I hate it for giving me an excuse to be less than everything I can and should be. I hate it for robbing me of the care-free content I felt before. More than MS, I despise myself for allowing myself to become this vampire I am.

I am a vampire. I suck from others and offer nothing in return. I have allowed myself to be a leach, rather than a contributor. At times I am surprised that I have not already driven most of my friends and family away.

Why this storm of self-loathing? I have spent the last few days noticing that something really isn't working and asking myself what I will change in the new year. Several ideas have popped into my head but when I think of executing my ideas, I find myself filled with an ardent desire to just sleep for eternity. In the meantime, as I give in to these urges, I am hurting others. My inclination is always to opt out of everything I don't absolutely have to do if I feel at all ill.

A few weeks ago my mother was in town and I hardly saw her because I allowed myself to succumb to nausea and stay in bed. Lately, confronted with any challenge I choose to stay in bed. I am a basket case. I can't seem to wrap myself around anything and the littlest things alarm and overwhelm me. I feel guilt for not going out. I feel guilty for allowing my husband to take care of so many things. I feel guilty for not showing my husband more often just how much I love him. I feel like a selfish beast. I am not there for my friends the way I should be. Most of the goodness has gone out of life for me and yet I have a good life and I can see the things I should be grateful for.

Somehow I don't think that me wishing I could change is going to be enough to make my new year a better one. I think I am going to have to take many active steps to improve things and yet I find myself paralyzed and terrorized where before I felt strong and determined. Now I must find a way to do a better job at life. I must find a way to be a better friend. I must find a way back toward hopefulness and a desire to do more than just exist through this long life. I don't usually pray but now I am praying for the strength to be more like the woman I used to be.

9 comments:

LISA EMRICH said...

Nadja,

I appreciate the strength you show through your words. You give me a bit of hope to see the goodness in others. Thank you.

p.s. can't resist mentioning that "slobedly" is the verification below. In a sentence now - I slobedly bawled my eyes out following the gangbang bullying session heaped upon me while on a MS support message board.

Bubbie said...

DeJaVous (sp?) Nadja, Your words were so familiar to me, I had to go back and see that I wrote nearly the same things last fall. Such is life with MS. Wishing you joy, peace and strength in the New Year. And please, quit beating yourself up for not being everything you think you should be. You are perfectly here now.

Kelley said...

Nadja,
Give yourself a break. Perhaps you can't do everything the way you used to do them. Since you are a writer, you are obviously a creative person. Use that creativity to find new ways to be a friend, partner, whatever.

I am not trying to sound all Pollyanna here, I know how you feel. I don't feel as if I'm being a good partner to my husband. We have talked about the issues and are working toward better communication.

OK, so maybe you can't go out a lot (I have some issues with stimulus overload), but why not send a friend a card or e-mail letting them know how much you treasure them? There are many little ways to let those we care about know that we appreciate them.

Sorry if I rambled! May you have a happy and blessed holiday season.

Peace,
Kelley

Jen said...

Nadja--

You are such a sweetheart that it kills me to see you beat yourself up so much. I think in time things will even out for you, but maybe for now just let others care for you and allow yourself to drift on a sea of indecision and uncertainty. IT'S OKAY.

Love you a bunch,

Jen

Denver Refashionista said...

Awww, you all are way to sweet. These comments are so understanding and supportive that they make me cry a little. I also wish you all the best in the new year.

Kelley, I think you are right. My husband and I talked last night and I told him how I was feeling about stuff and he made a similar suggestion.

BRAINCHEESE said...

Speaking only from my own experience:

MS did not create my limitations with friends, family, etc. I did. Because I could not remove myself from the PRIDE of asking for help, explaining my disease, etc. When I finally DID, my friends and loved ones said they were simply WAITING for a chance to help me. I imagine your friends/loved ones are patiently standing by WAITING for the same opportunity.

Linda D. in Seattle

Merelyme said...

Oh my dear Nadja...

I do find a kindred spirit in you. I beat myself up too thinking of all the shoulds of my existence. It is my personal belief that you are a strong, vibrant, compassionate woman and also a very good friend to others. You have not changed at your core. You just have this nasty disease now.

Please be kind to yourself. You are so special.

I do want to thank you for all the emotional support you have given to me this past year and when you have been down yourself.

I wish you a peaceful and joy filled holiday. Hugs!

Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks for the support ladies:)

Creating Wealth said...

Everything starts with you being a friend to "yourself". Start working on yourself and everything else will come next. Start reading my friend it's what brought me out of the well of despair you find yourself. I suggest Learning to Telling Your Self the Truth by Wm. Bakus ( it's on my blog).
This is a start. Believe in yourself- you can do this.
Robert Groth
http://www.conquerms.com