I hate MS! I don't so much hate it for the physical inconveniences. I hate it for the havoc I have allowed it to wreak on my life and on my mind. I hate it for letting me be comfortable with allowing myself to flake out on people. I hate it for giving me an excuse to be less than everything I can and should be. I hate it for robbing me of the care-free content I felt before. More than MS, I despise myself for allowing myself to become this vampire I am.
I am a vampire. I suck from others and offer nothing in return. I have allowed myself to be a leach, rather than a contributor. At times I am surprised that I have not already driven most of my friends and family away.
Why this storm of self-loathing? I have spent the last few days noticing that something really isn't working and asking myself what I will change in the new year. Several ideas have popped into my head but when I think of executing my ideas, I find myself filled with an ardent desire to just sleep for eternity. In the meantime, as I give in to these urges, I am hurting others. My inclination is always to opt out of everything I don't absolutely have to do if I feel at all ill.
A few weeks ago my mother was in town and I hardly saw her because I allowed myself to succumb to nausea and stay in bed. Lately, confronted with any challenge I choose to stay in bed. I am a basket case. I can't seem to wrap myself around anything and the littlest things alarm and overwhelm me. I feel guilt for not going out. I feel guilty for allowing my husband to take care of so many things. I feel guilty for not showing my husband more often just how much I love him. I feel like a selfish beast. I am not there for my friends the way I should be. Most of the goodness has gone out of life for me and yet I have a good life and I can see the things I should be grateful for.
Somehow I don't think that me wishing I could change is going to be enough to make my new year a better one. I think I am going to have to take many active steps to improve things and yet I find myself paralyzed and terrorized where before I felt strong and determined. Now I must find a way to do a better job at life. I must find a way to be a better friend. I must find a way back toward hopefulness and a desire to do more than just exist through this long life. I don't usually pray but now I am praying for the strength to be more like the woman I used to be.