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Thursday, September 24, 2009


One thing I have learned about chronic illness is that it can rob you of your feeling of independence. When I was diagnosed, I wondered where I would be without my husband or family. I still felt screwed but I felt like if things went south, I could count on those people to take care of me. In fact, I believed I needed to be taken care of. When I was scared and sick, it felt good to remind myself that I had people who would care for me if I got really sick and couldn't work. I was ceratin I needed that safety net. Now, my worst fears have been realized and I am all alone in this.

I am getting a divorce. I now have to pay half the mortagage on a house I can't afford. I'm responsible for my student loans and car payment. Financially, I am in dire straits. If I get too sick to work full time, I don't know what will happen. Most of my friends have turned their backs on me and won't even talk to me. I have had a falling out with several family members. I am truly on my own.

Do I feel despair? Hell no! I feel good. I'm creatively inspired and empowered. Overall, my health is good. I have found quiet happiness in my independence. I can do what I want, when I want. I have to work full time and now I'm working at the yoga studio several days a week in addition to my regular yoga classes I teach. I have been working 12-14 hours a day but I am ok. The only thing I crave is more alone time. This weekend, I plan to hole up and create art and writing. I will dance and do yoga. I will kick it with my cat. I will breath the air of independence and I will not be afraid. I can do this!

Today I am grateful to have this opportunity to be alone.


Jen said...

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3<3 <3 <3 <3......

Joan said...

Wow! What a terrible thing to go through for anyone, healthy or not. My thoughts are with you!

Kelli said...

You go girl. Enjoy your independence and enjoy life.
It sounds like you have a great plan.

Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks for the support ladies. BTW Joan, this has been a blessing in disguise.

Cranky said...

DR - good luck, sounds like you're bringing the right attitude to this. Sorry that the financial woes are in the mix. Hope you can sell that house soon (I'm assuming that's what you want to do.)

Weeble Girl said...

Sending hugs and continued joy wherever you find it. I know there are some hard times ahead but you can do this.

We're here for you.