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Sunday, December 13, 2009

If I didn't work...

I have said it before and I am sure I will again, work cramps my style. Don't get me wrong... I don't mind working hard, I just like working hard at things that call to my soul. Probably, I could teach five yoga classes a day. I could write or paint for hours without complaint. Actually, I could even teach all day long every day like I do currently if my workplace felt like a better place to be. When the year started, I loved it for a short while but then things started to get really bad... Going to work sucks all the life and energy out of me. I actually used to like bringing work home. Now I dread it. Right now I am blogging to avoid the work I still need to do tonight (LOL). Anyway, I do long for more free time.

My biggest problem seems to be lack of energy. My schedule is busy but not like it was when I went to college and grad school. I just don't have the energy I used to. People will tell you that this comes with age. I imagine it does but I suspect that my lack of stamina is more due to MS. That's why I often wish for work that demands less of my full energy. Working the way I do now, there's nothing left. When I get home, I literally pass out if I can. It's so hard to even get back up to eat dinner. I am back in bed between 7:00 and 8:00 pm. I guess the good news is that I have made it this far working full-time so I still have my house :) The bad news is that I find little energy left for the things I want to do.

My birthday was yesterday and by 5:30 pm I was exhausted and ready for bed. I didn't really even do many things. I was in bed by 8:00 pm on a Saturday night and I slept until 7:30 am. Then I got up, ran a few errands, practiced and taught aerial yoga, went to the grocery store, ran a few other errands and came home. By 3:00 pm, I was back in bed for another two hours and now I am only up to work, eat and go back to bed. I did not write or paint all weekend and I am bummed...

I keep thinking that tomorrow maybe I will do some stuff after work but every time, I find myself so tired that I end up sleeping instead. I need more spoons. I am dreaming of the day I can cut my hours at work. I really hope my house sells soon so I can make this a reality. I think if I worked 3/4 time instead of full time at school that I would feel much better.

I am not having a pity party here but I am imagining the possibility of a life where I could prioritize being an artist over paying the bills. Don't we all--

Today I am grateful to have a full-time job, two part time jobs and several hobbies when many people are trying to just find a job at all. I do count my blessings...


Blinders Off said...

Nothing wrong with planning.

Happy Belated Birthday!

Herrad said...

Hi Nadja,
Please come by and pick up your blog award.

Mike said...

Happy, belated, birthday!

Clare said...

Happy Belated Birthday.

Peace Be With You said...

"The day sings its song of small grace notes." Huston Smith

Belated happy birthday.


Have Myelin? said...

Happy Belated Birthday! And reading about all the jobs you had made me think you had a lot of energy. =)

Could you be kind of hard of yourself?

Dan Digmann said...

LOVE the name of your blog, and I'm so glad I found it! No, you're not having a pity party, you're just being real. That's what I liked about reading it and will check back often. Indeed, work increasingly is taking more out of me but after living with MS for 10 years I count my blessings that I have enough left when I get home to enjoy life with my wife, who has had MS for 12 years. I hope you have a few minutes to check out our blog and see how we also are living with MS. Wishing you the best, and be a champion every day!

Clare said...

I gave up work(well medically retired) in 2005 and I havent looked back and regretted one second.
I dont own a home its housing association rented accomadation so I didnt have that tie.
I pace myself and prioritise things, but if they dont get done so be it. I no longer fret about it as stress can really set you back.
I craft more but only at my pace but its so theraputic for me.

I just dont miss work at all and I am convinced I ave had less relaspes due to retiring.

Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks for all the birthday wishes everyone. Sorry I have been a bit MIA lately (long week and major fatigue)... Vacation has begun and now I'm back!