I am just breathing a small sigh of relief because I decided to take this feed off facebook. Not that anyone can't read it here, but now they have to seek it out. I looked and saw I had 96 "friends" on facebook but the truth is, I hardly know many of those people and some of them are professional contacts. I have been having a rough time lately and I don't really feel like posting my innermost thoughts to facebook. At the same time, I also wanted to keep the integrity of this blog which has always been almost brutally hones.
It seems like lately, I need to force the right look onto my face and the right sort of state into my mind before I can leave home. I don't want to have to fake it, even in my own home. There are good moments. Sometimes I can unearth my mind from my anxieties about work and honestly, just survival, but that is not all the time and the pretending is exhausting.
Today is a "snow day," so I don't have to go to work, yet I find myself tortured still. Really, a day off is just a chance to do more work and I can't even bring myself to do it. I am just counting the days until spring break, but it is still over a week away. I know I should be finding a way to enjoy today but instead I just feel sad.
I know I should work, hunt for jobs or maybe even do something nice for myself but mostly, I am just fantasizing about going back to bed. My problem is not MS and not even real depression, but I feel buried. I can hardly slog myself to the surface and every day I just get through, I feel relieved for.
I am waiting to feel a shift but I feel too bogged down to create it myself. I don't pray, but I'm praying for relief right about now. Something has got to give right?
I always try to end my entries in gratitude but I just don't have today's thought. Maybe that says something about where I am at. I guess I am grateful that not all days seem quite as hard, so maybe tomorrow will be better.