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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

A sigh of relief

I am just breathing a small sigh of relief because I decided to take this feed off facebook. Not that anyone can't read it here, but now they have to seek it out. I looked and saw I had 96 "friends" on facebook but the truth is, I hardly know many of those people and some of them are professional contacts. I have been having a rough time lately and I don't really feel like posting my innermost thoughts to facebook. At the same time, I also wanted to keep the integrity of this blog which has always been almost brutally hones.

It seems like lately, I need to force the right look onto my face and the right sort of state into my mind before I can leave home. I don't want to have to fake it, even in my own home. There are good moments. Sometimes I can unearth my mind from my anxieties about work and honestly, just survival, but that is not all the time and the pretending is exhausting.

Today is a "snow day," so I don't have to go to work, yet I find myself tortured still. Really, a day off is just a chance to do more work and I can't even bring myself to do it. I am just counting the days until spring break, but it is still over a week away. I know I should be finding a way to enjoy today but instead I just feel sad.

I know I should work, hunt for jobs or maybe even do something nice for myself but mostly, I am just fantasizing about going back to bed. My problem is not MS and not even real depression, but I feel buried. I can hardly slog myself to the surface and every day I just get through, I feel relieved for.

I am waiting to feel a shift but I feel too bogged down to create it myself. I don't pray, but I'm praying for relief right about now. Something has got to give right?

I always try to end my entries in gratitude but I just don't have today's thought. Maybe that says something about where I am at. I guess I am grateful that not all days seem quite as hard, so maybe tomorrow will be better.


Kris said...

I do hope your day gets better from here on out! Take care!

Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks Kris

Jen said...

I read in my Google Reader as an "anonymous follower" (LOL.) Which is kinda creepy, but any kind of follower is a little whack, no?

*You're doing awesome, Nadja. Hang in there 'cause you will surely prevail over these hurdles.


Serina said...

Sending good vibes your way! Hope you find some relief, soon. I'm glad to see your post. How did you figure out how to take the blog off facebook? I think it would be better for me, I can post the link if I want to share, but sometimes it seems that it is taking my "writing therapy" away from me because I have to consider who might read it. If they have to go look for it, I don't think it would happen as much.. I had tried to once, but couldn't find it.

Clare said...

I read your blog regulary but rarely comment, as I never know what quite to say.
I am sorry your feeling down and I totally understand where your at, as I to at the moment am fighting that same fight.
I know daylight has an effect on my mental state and have invested in a light ball (sorta gives you a sunshine feel). and its helped a little , I have also upped my vit D intake as us MS peeps dont absorb it that well.

As for facebook I made a descion awhile back not to put too much stuff about my MS on it as I want to keep it seperate from my blog.

Keep going xx And dont think you have to put you happy face, it puts extra pressure on you, were all entitled to a few bad days you know :):)

Denver Refashionista said...

Serina, go to "boxes." Go to your notes. On the side you will see something that says you are importing from an external blog and giving you the option to cancel that feed. Go there and cancel.

Good luck!