Friends, family and even near strangers keep reassuring me that a great deal of learning and growth can come from tough times. I sure hope so. I'm trying to pay attention to things that come my way and to learn from them but it is hard not to feel impatient. I keep dreaming of my own magic wand that I can just wave to give me all the answers I need and to make everything clear and right. I know this is not going to happen but it has not stopped me from wishing...
I have been struggling a lot with poor self-confidence. I feel directionless in uncharted seas, and I long for something or someone to hang onto, but I know this is a journey I must chart alone. It is clear to me that I can hardly stand to be without a master plan, but I dare not create one without knowing what I really want. Honestly, I don't know what I want. I have been feeling so tired. I can't tell if this is MS or just all my attempts to figure things out. I feel scattered too, so my fatigue and seeming inability to focus is driving me a little nuts. I would love to just lie down and sleep for a few days. Maybe I could even have some really illuminating dreams. Will I figure some stuff out once I hit my summer break and rest a little? I keep hoping that will take care of things but think it may take more.
I did decide to find a new therapist since I have not had one in some time, but I could not even get an appointment until late June. Being the impatient sort I am, I want help now.
I do feel a bit better than I have the last few months, but I still feel unsettled. Angst about the future is pacing the corners of my mind. I am not in constant anxiety, but I can't help remembering that I can't put off decisions about my house and my job forever. I recognize that avoidance can be a good temporary coping mechanism, but it is not getting to the root of what is troubling me. Thank God for the present. Being present helps keep me sane but I want to be able to think beyond today without fear and fear is controlling me far more than I would like.
Today I am grateful for everything that I have-- my comforts, my loved ones and my health.