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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Taking Action

Sometimes it seems easier to be swallowed by inertia. We feel discontent, but we find it simpler to complain, wallowing in our circumstances, than it is to act. Taking action requires more strength than allowing oneself to just tolerate the suffering.

So here I find myself again, shifting the chains I allow to bind me, mind and body. The weight of habit is enormous. Shifting that weight requires dedication and persistence.

Many times before I have tried to shift this weight, but my efforts often seem fruitless. Sometimes it seems that changes I seek come not from my efforts, but from some shifting in my universe. I try and try to make the changes, but nothing happens, but then, somehow miraculously, things do change, not in tiny shifts, but in grand proportion.

I used to take a yoga class that I really loved. The teacher always reminded us at the end of class, "Trust that everything will unfold exactly as it is meant to." There is no assurance in this affirmation that "everything will turn out right, or everything will turn out how you want or expect it," but there is a surety that things happen with some order. I suppose this assumes there is a divine power greater than ourselves, but I guess we each also assume what is most convenient for us to assume, so I live with the faith that things will work out for me. It's not that I expect they will be perfect, or even that they will be what I expected. What I do expect is that I will always learn something during the journey. So I cast a new pebble into the pond of my life and wait to see which direction each ripple takes.

Monday, February 27, 2012


For the first time in several months, I find myself alone in the afternoon with nowhere I have to be. The only times this has been true in the last few months, was on the sick day I took last week after coming down with a bad cold. Since when did illness have to become my only personal justification for a break? In noticing this, I feel rather ridiculous. Here I am, nearly four years after my diagnosis, and I still have to fight my own urge to continually overdo and to constantly say "yes" to everyone and everything.

I have had a little time to myself in the evenings lately-- enough time to recognize that I am not as happy as I could be. It's not utter discontent, but it's also not the dizzy happiness of my fall. Nothing has really changed except that in the last few months, in my enthusiasm for new pursuits, I have gotten a little carried away.

I actually have gotten so busy that I have started forgetting important details. I forgot to confirm a sub for my yoga class a few weeks ago and on Friday, I completely spaced out my sister-in-laws' birthday party and went to bed. Both these happenings are highly uncharacteristic, and a great reminder about the stuff that really counts.

As I examine my discontent, I ask myself, "What can be cut out and which of my activities is stressing me out (in a bad way)?" I love teaching yoga, therefore I will not cut that. I love aerial dance, so I won't cut that. Lately, I mildly despise teaching school. Actually, it's not so much the work itself, it's really all of the extra work that goes into being a great teacher. I find that I would rather save my weekends and evenings for myself than be a "great" school teacher. I know that even at my worst, I am better than many, but it just is no longer my passion. Teaching is my passion, but not teaching high school, and not teaching full time.

Right at the moment I know I must just get through the school year but after that-- big changes need to happen. So in my mind, every time I get a free second, I am plotting and planning. "How do I work this? How do I keep doing the things I love without giving up my health insurance?" I guess for a person with MS, it is good that this is my biggest concern. Not a day goes by where I do not feel thankful for my good health, not just my good health, but the fact that I get to teach yoga and to fly (in aerial dance).

Now, how do I work this...