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Saturday, April 6, 2013

Going through the motions

I am just trying to live one day at a time, one minute, even as my mind keeps extending farther out into the days and weeks before me. Even the idea of little tasks and responsibilities fill me with panic. The only way to get through is by continually dragging myself back to right where I am in the moment, continually reassuring myself that I only need to think about the thing right in front of me. I just need to focus on that one thing. I guess that is the only way I am really hanging on right now. The more focused and present I can be, the less my panic. The problem is that it keeps sweeping over me in overwhelming waves. I am so ready for a solid shift back to feeling good, or even just ok all the time. Right now I truly value the minutes of ok. In times like these, I know it is good to go back to gratitude meditations. The trouble is, I am so overly fixated on the things that are not working, the worst possible outcomes. Sometimes these visions make me want to avoid even the things I should enjoy. Now I will try... I am grateful for the growing warmth and light of the early spring. I am grateful for my strength and generally good health. I am grateful for my friends, family and those I love. I am grateful for my home and creature comforts. I am grateful to be employed. I am grateful for my cats. I am grateful for yoga and moving arts. I am grateful that others do not judge me with the harshness I judge myself. Despite the darkness and the struggle, I believe I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful that right in this moment I am ok.

3 comments:

Tracey's Life said...

Hugs.....

sclason said...

I just want to say that at this point in time, I really can identify with this post. It is sometimes hard to find that optimistic outlook, but remember that all things end and begin.. simply meaning that "This too shall pass" and you will work your way through it and be stronger for the course.. Continue to remind yourselves of the positives and don't let yourself retract away from the things you normally enjoy.

Anonymous said...

Hi Nadja,

This post reminded me of what my sister and best friend has been going through, and I thought you might be interested in my sister's film project, 22 shots, about her treatment and coping.

As she's family, I would automatically be somewhat biased about the quality of this project but I don't have to be. It's engaging and entertaining and touching. And above all, honest.  

The 22 short films can be seen at www.everounds.com. There is some adult language and content, if you're sensitive about that. 

I hope you enjoy it. 

Warm regards,
Virginia Rounds

PS I'm commenting here so that you can see this message; I'm not asking that you publish on your comments section for this post. I don't mind if you do, but this isn't me trying to promote her project on your blog.