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Thursday, March 28, 2013

Decision Time

I promised myself just over a week ago that if my head-space did not get better within a week, I would reconsider going on anti-depressants. I made it halfway through Tuesday (even wrote a nice hopeful blog post), and then the depression and anxiety hit me like a load of bricks. I found myself talking aloud, praying (something I don't do), and basically begging God to take mercy on me and to take away the pain. "I can't live like this, I can't live like this," I chanted to the unsympathetic walls. I scared my cats with my tears and outburst but there was a voice in my mind whispering, "It doesn't have to be like this. There is help to be had." It took all my will power and determination, but I finally emailed my doctor to ask for anti-depressants again (Effexor). I even called the pharmacy. I spent the evening alternately yelling at myself and crying. I promised myself that I would stick by my decision and follow up on getting the meds first thing on Wednesday. I got up, felt lousy and still managed to call and email again. Dragged myself out of the house and to the dentist's office. While I was there I had to decide whether I was going to authorize them to do over $300.00 in dental work and order me a bite guard (for clenching my teeth, huge surprise there). The total bill was $736.00. I don't have that kind of money right now. I was pretty well ready to just lay down and give up, but that's not me, not the real me. So I pulled myself together and said, "Put it on a credit card and a prayer." I forgot to mention... Tuesday night when I emailed my doctor, I made the decision not to second-guess my choices. I made the decision to be really kind to myself. I made the decision to do whatever I needed to do just to deal with day-to-day life. I decided to put my well-being above all else until I can feel strong, happy and in charge again. I think this was the best decision I have made in a really long time. I also feel proud of myself for making the big decision to help myself by admitting my need for help and not shying away from the dental decision. I think I might have a new, new year's resolution: be decisive and feel good about my choices. Anyway, back to my story... So when I got out of the dentist's office I still had not heard from my doc. Five minutes later though, I checked my phone again and I had just missed his call. He had prescribed me the med and asked me to call him. I did. He was very kind and reassuring and promised we would talk again in the next few weeks. My neurologist also emailed to check on me. By the time I had picked up my med, I felt so good about myself for taking this very hard step, that I even drove all the way to Boulder to meet a friend and take a hike. Last night, I felt some of my darkness had lifted. Going on this med is hard. For me the physical adjustment is intense and I know it may take some time, but I am determined to stick with it, to really just live one day at a time because I know beneath the chemical cloud of sadness cast by my depression, I am a strong, tough fighter.


Tim Sweeney said...

Hey listen Kiddo, these days, especially with your MS, it's ok to be depressed, but you are a fighter, everybody has issues right now, I am disabled now due to spinal stenosis and overwhelming joint pain, I thought my back was going to get better so I could go back to work, but my left knee collapsed, had to get a TKR, then I tore something before it could heal, in the meantime, I found these folks at, and Johnny Baptist at, and now I know all my pain was just another Blessing that Jesus sent to me to slow myself down so I would take the time to Listen, to Be Still and Know that He is God. watch that video called the destruction of America and let me know what you think.

in the meantime, God Bless!

see ya

Tim Sweeney
Austin, Texas

Tim Sweeney said...

it's ok to feel blue, especially with your MS.

watch Johnny's videos at

let me know what you think, in the meantime,

God Bless.

Tim Sweeney
Austin, Texas

Robert Parker said...

Oh my friend, I have been in that very place. Way too often. It's not just nasty, and dark, DANG it's uncomfortable. Begging anything, anyone, to make the discomfort cease.

At some point, eventually, somehow I come to finally say something different... "Doesn't work that way."

My most often-used emergency replacement for these moments of begging: Breathe. Try to "breathe out" the discomfort; its kind of a "visualization" thing, it's kind of a "what else can I do?" thing. Does it work? Eh, well, kinda, sorta, eventually, maybe...

Hang on for the ride... at some point, that's all we can do. Well, it is "doing something." Something...

But I've walked (crawled/ slid/ writhed) that road myself. Not pleasant... Hang in there!

Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks for the support. One day at a time, actually just a minute at a time. I can do this!