Still flying

I rarely do any writing these days. I am very busy teaching and performing and I only have one day off a week if I am lucky. When that day arrives, like today, I am exhausted: physically, emotionally and on bad days, spiritually as well. In many ways, I am living my passion and my dreams. My only real complaint: my day job and the need to make a good living to take care of my family keeps me working a job I care little about. I find myself at work daydreaming about circus life, distracted from my actual work by looking at aerial pictures and videos, updating my Firebird Moving Arts page on facebook, anything to pretend that my whole life is moving arts. And it is. At least it is the moment I leave my day job. Too bad my day job takes most of my time... These days money is always a big thought in my mind: how to pay for the life my husband and I want for us and his child (soon to be with us, I hope). I am not complaining, merely noticing. I still am grateful every day that my health remains so stable, despite the MS. Honestly, this disease motivates me. Why wait until tomorrow to do something you want to do today? I am conscious of the unpredictability of MS. One day soaring, the next potentially unable to walk. I am determined to fly for as long as I can, to keep growing stronger, to fulfill all of my creative urges. I find myself unwilling to even contemplate dumbing down my art. It would be easier to choreograph an aerial act and perform the same act for a while but I am forever driven to create new things. I don't want to chose easy. I want interesting!

Patience

Embrace the sunshine when the sun shines. I am still not ready to write something of or about Cara but I feel a pull to write, to just let words spill out on the page and see where they lead. Every year in my yoga classes right after new year's I talk about letting go of the old to make room for the new. Now I ask myself, "What layers must I shed? What do I seek in the year ahead?" I think until June that there is little I want to change in my external realities but much I seek to change internally. I have only one "resolution" but it is massive, not a resolution I expect to excel at or to perfect anytime soon... I continue to seek patience for all things. I know that there is not much I can change about necessities like going to work, but I can change my reactions. Busy almost automatically indicates stress to me. When I tackle a giant list of things to do, constant driving and responsibilities to others, my modus operandi is to speed up and create crisis out of next to nothing. Needless to say, not good for my physical or mental health. I often view all my responsibilities as burdens rather than celebrating the fact that after almost six years living with MS, I can still support myself and my little family. Sometimes I feel like I would rather sleep than go teach yoga or aerial when instead I might be better served enjoying the fact that I still can do these things. I cannot allow my passions to become my burdens. People are always surprised when I call my diagnoses one of the best things to ever happen to me but it is still true as long as I remember what it has taught me. Living with MS has taught me to treasure the moment and to celebrate every day I get up with my physical and mental abilities intact. Yeah, it has forced me to slow down and to sometimes do less, but that is a good thing, not a drawback. When I am inclined to push to hard, I remember it is better to rest and to save my strength for another day. If I can just remember this all the time, than I can allow myself to go more slowly, to do less, to stress less and to take optimal care of my mind, body and spirit.