When I titled my blog Living! it was because that is what I intended to do, MS and all. The first few months after my diagnoses I did a great job of "living!" I started two businesses, completed 200 hours of yoga teacher training, refashioned over 10 garments and wrote almost daily. I didn't work for almost five months and that really helped me get on with the whole business of living life to the fullest. When I went back to work, the other shoe really dropped. Both my health and my mental state deteriorated. There was a long period where it was a struggle to just get through the day. I remember battling my own mind every morning trying to just get up the steam to confront my life. I was haunted by the desire to crawl back into bed beside my husband and to just forget. Sleep was like an oasis in my desert of suffering. There is no way I can call that existence "living!"
Things have shifted again. I am no longer manic like I was in the summer. I find that I tire easily but that my health has been generally improved over the last month or so. I do not feel buried anymore. I think what I am beginning to cultivate is balance. I am not swept by highs and lows, rather I find that I am learning what brings me contentment.
I am not building things, creating giant works of art or effecting any major global changes but I am also finding new strength and perhaps even a few glimmers of wisdom. MS has forced me to grow up and to work on myself in ways nothing else ever has. A few months ago I felt rudderless. I questioned who I was. I still do not know what the future may hold for me but I have a renewed sense of self. It feels good to start trusting myself again. I am actually finding that I can look ahead again with less trepidation. I have been terrified to make any commitments outside my job but I am finally willing to try making a few. Today I got to sub for a yoga class and I have commited to teaching two more classes this week. This is a big step for me. I am finally willing to trust that I will be healthy enough to teach the two classes I promised I would.
Lately I have also begun to make some social commitments again too. So far I have made it everywhere I said I would. I think this has helped my confidence and renewed my willingness to look ahead. This illness has taught me to live one day at a time and to never take anything for granted and so what may seem inconsequential to the average person, seems huge to me. I feel like I am Living! again most of the time and that is what I am grateful for today.