Synergy

The master plan is finally falling into place. I'm rubbing my hands together with a wicked grin on my face. Ok, this was not in the master plan but it should have been...

I feel good; really good. It's almost ironic that my primary blog is called "Living! with MS!" because these days I'm just really Living! I don't say this to make every other MSer jealous. I say this because I have come to believe that so much of our physical state, is linked with our emotional and mental state. The better I feel in these respects, the better I feel physically. The better I handle my stress, the fewer the setbacks. The more I embrace who I fundamentally am, the weaker my disease becomes. These days it is a non-entity that I only recall when I give myself my nightly copaxone injection. Even the injections are getting easier. I have the process down to a swift science. They still hurt like a ----- afterward but the process is quick and routine now.

I have been having fun wherever I go. I have been acting spontaneously and not worrying whether I have the "spoons" to get through the day. Much of my time is spent with friends. I also spend a lot of time alone writing, painting and taking care of all the little details involved in living alone. I am taking good care of myself but now I answer to no one and I create my own schedule. It has been fun going to aerial yoga and aerial tissue.

My physical intelligence has been increasing exponentially. Now it seems I can learn a new dance or aerial move and master it after only a few tries. Yesterday at "fabric" class I climbed all the way up the fabric twice. I'm getting strong very quickly. Today I barely feel sore, much to my surprise. I'm hooked.

Words are really insufficient to describe my current state of being but on one of my other blogs (Poems from the Blue Plane) I attempt to.

Today I am full of gratitude and wonder at the journey that my life has become.

Aerial Yoga, Awww Yeah!

This is my newest passion. Check out more pictures on my Firebird Yoga Blog.

Beyond Fear

Please check out my latest post on Firebird Yoga. It tells the story of how MS and yoga helped me master my fears.

Independence

One thing I have learned about chronic illness is that it can rob you of your feeling of independence. When I was diagnosed, I wondered where I would be without my husband or family. I still felt screwed but I felt like if things went south, I could count on those people to take care of me. In fact, I believed I needed to be taken care of. When I was scared and sick, it felt good to remind myself that I had people who would care for me if I got really sick and couldn't work. I was ceratin I needed that safety net. Now, my worst fears have been realized and I am all alone in this.

I am getting a divorce. I now have to pay half the mortagage on a house I can't afford. I'm responsible for my student loans and car payment. Financially, I am in dire straits. If I get too sick to work full time, I don't know what will happen. Most of my friends have turned their backs on me and won't even talk to me. I have had a falling out with several family members. I am truly on my own.

Do I feel despair? Hell no! I feel good. I'm creatively inspired and empowered. Overall, my health is good. I have found quiet happiness in my independence. I can do what I want, when I want. I have to work full time and now I'm working at the yoga studio several days a week in addition to my regular yoga classes I teach. I have been working 12-14 hours a day but I am ok. The only thing I crave is more alone time. This weekend, I plan to hole up and create art and writing. I will dance and do yoga. I will kick it with my cat. I will breath the air of independence and I will not be afraid. I can do this!

Today I am grateful to have this opportunity to be alone.

I promised honesty but...

Sometimes it seems that the world is not ready for my degree of honesty so here, on my blog that feeds to facebook, I promise to be honest, but not to a fault. To see the unfettered me, check out my other blogs: Denver Refashionista (my artistic creations and clothing), Firebird Yoga (my yoga site) and my newest addition, Poems from the Blue Plane.

I am doing well these days. I still have my critics but I have realized that if every artist was concerned with their critics than nothing great would ever be created. So I have decided to just be myself, no apologies and to make the most of the time I have on this earth. How does this tie into Living! with MS? Well, MS has really taught me to value each day. It has helped me value the things that really matter in the creation of a beautiful life. MS has made clear to me what I can and cannot do. MS has actually made me more whole, rather than less.

I feel good. These days, I hardly feel like I have MS. I have not had a migraine in a month. I have been taking very little medication outside my copaxone. I have been sleeping less and doing more. I am having fun! Today I have the day off and I am excited to be spending the majority of my day on intellectual and artistic pursuits.

Today I am grateful for my health.

Back on track

Comments are back and controversial posts and comments have been removed so enjoy and comment away :)

Happy reading,
Nadja

Changes

I surrender to the change
Or rather, I embrace it.
The world is spinning quickly
But I do not cling for dear life,
I am content
Shrugged off all that held me back.
Found me
Discarded my baggage without regrets.

I look to the future now.
The thing we had,
It was killing me slowly.
You are better off alone.
I am happier as I am.
I wish you well.
I am at peace
Let us cease to torment each other.

I live without regrets.
I notice,
I learn and then I remember and move on.
I hope you can do the same.
I wish you all the love and joy this world has to offer.
Go out and find it.
Be happy.
I bear you no ill-will.

My wings have sprouted.
I sail from the nest
Into an endless sky
Of possibility.
My heart soars
My dreams are vivid and grand.
I do not look back now
The future is mine.

Peace

Today is 9/11 and I meditate now on peace. Last night I went to an amazing yoga event in the park that focused on peace. It lent me a great deal of personal peace and clarity at a time where I needed it.

I feel calmed, content and comfortable in my skin. I feel the best today, both physically and emotionally that I have in a long time. Now I feel like I have the energy to focus on bigger issues than just my health. It feels good and I feel very freed up. I can breath again.

Meditating on peace helped me sort out several mental and interpersonal conflicts I have been having. I now feel at peace with the situation and that is allowing me to focus on the greater peace, something we must really remember on a day like 9/11.

Where's the Refashionista

I had a busy week and then went on vacation. I spent some relaxing, computer-free time with my mother. I will be back here to post and read soon. For now, please enjoy the yoga mediation on my other blog.

Rant

*Disclaimer, this is directed at no one in particular. I appreciate everyone's concerns for my situation/s but I have it under control. Above all, fellow bloggers, this is not aimed at you. I just needed to rant.

Leave me Alone!

I am tired of being second guessed
I am worn down by advice.
You mean well,
I’m sure
But you are driving me nuts!

Please, please, I implore—
Leave me alone.
Can’t you trust me?
Trust me to run my own life
Can’t you trust that I know my own mind?

How can I even think when no one gives me space?
How can I make good decision if I must constantly answer your questions and your calls?
Why can’t I be trusted?
Why do you treat me like I’m crazy?
Can’t you see my strength?

I have done battle with demons,
I have fought the good fight
I have listened
I have always put others before myself.
Is it too much to ask that I be allowed to make the choices that feel right to me?

I’m tired of being treated like a child
I’m tired of being disrespected
I’m sick of being told “It’s the steroids—“
F---- off-- I took those a month ago.
Trust me, trust me, trust me.


If I make a “bad choice,”
Can you just allow me to reap the consequences?
Stop protecting me from myself.
The only person who has to live with my regrets is me.
Let me live and let live!