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Friday, October 2, 2009

No one promised all sunshine

Today sucked. In fact, that word "suck" has been causing me a lot of trouble in the last 24 hours but that is neither here nor there (LOL).

I need a break. I need a break from work. I need a break from social obligations. I need a break from most people. I certainly need a break from judgements. I even hear them in the voices of people who claim to care about me. I am truly at the end of my tether but shit won't stop hitting the fan so I can take an excriment-free breath. I don't know what I expected--

This has been one crappy week. When I ached the most for a nervous breakdown, I didn't even have that luxury. Apparently breakdowns are a luxury reserved for those who depend, not those who are always depended on. Sometimes I just get sick of holding it all together. I want to screech, howl and throw things but I just feel rather silly when I get through doing it.

Lately I have filled this blog with joy and gratitude but today I must say, even I can't be all sunshine all the time. I would like to freakin' strangle someone right about now. I guess it is good I am home alone (LOL).

No one promised all sunshine so there you have it--

5 comments:

Webster said...

A few days ago you said "the master plan is falling into place." We all know it can't always be sunshine and chocolate, but are you getting down because of what OTHER people think of you/your actions/your decisions? If that's the case, then please let it go. You're the only one who knows your own heart.

Be well.

Peace Be With You said...

What you describe is real life, whether one has MS or not. Joy is my mantra, but sometimes it proves elusive. Thank goodness you have this beautiful blog to share both the joys and the sorrows. Judy

Robert Parker said...

Oh my friend, I have spent a lot of time in a place like that. I spent a lot of time last summer, not craving disability (hardly!) but fantasizing that if something were to happen, at least then people would believe that maybe I actually did need a little time to myself and maybe, just maybe, finally understand that they needed to just leave me alone. Completely alone.

I think that's it in a nutshell: I just needed a "get out of obligations free" card. A time completely--completely--off.

Well, I never got it, but--even better news--the craving, like all MS annoyances, eventually faded away. And so will this. As Robert Heinlein said, "When you're riding a tiger, hold onto its ears and try not to fall off."

You'll make it through.

Jen said...

I was just telling BB that I had the urge to throw something fragile--- like a plate--- against a wall. Sounds like you might want to do that too :)

Have Myelin? said...

It is hard to be the sun everyone is looking at if a cloud comes over you...

MS or not, your radiance shines on. And yes it is tiresome. I hear you.