I thought I better write this down before I forget it (LOL). All my introspection seems to have paid off.
A few months ago, my mother repeated a question to me posed by her meditation teacher. The question was, "What is your true heart's desire?" I realized that the answer to this question is much more important than having a tangible dream. It gets at the essence of what we really want without all the problems caused by expectations (our own and those of others).
I know what my heart truly desires. Above all things I desire freedom.
I want the freedom to do whatever I might dream of doing. I want freedom from the constraints of fear. All my kicking and screaming is in direct protest to things that I see as impositions on my freedom. The irony is, in order to have certain freedoms, I have to give up other ones.
If I want the freedom from financial duress, I have to work. If I want independence and the ability to care for myself, I have to work and I have to find ways to take care of myself, even if they seem like impositions. In order to have freedom from home ownership, I have to take good care of my house so it will sell. Having seen these ironies, I resent these constraints on my freedom less. At the moment, they are the key to many of my freedoms.
If I can find the energy, I have the freedom to do what I want, almost whenever I want. It makes me somewhat giddy. Here I was feeling trapped, only to realize that for almost all freedoms, there is a price. I guess the question is whether it is worthwhile. I'm tired but something tells me that if I look at things through this new lens, they look a hell of a lot more beautiful than they did yesterday.
Today I am grateful for my freedoms. I must have freed things up a little since I have been blogging again:)