I like the blog because it helps me travel light. I like the way it keeps me writing on a regular basis but at times I am unsure about it too. There are still the questions: what belongs on what blog? How much should I really say on this blog? Should I stick to the topic of MS? Does the "Living!" part in the title of the blog give me license to expand the topic? The truth is since it's my blog, I guess it can be anything I want... Hello obsessive stranger.
I'm in the midst of a round of angst. Do you ever really get over it? I suspect it's not just a teenager thing, but maybe I just spend too much time with adolescents, and it's rubbing off. My angst seems to cycle. Sometimes things just seem to flow along. I feel confident, certain of who I am and what I want. Then I flounder--
Audience awareness is stifling me here. I'm thinking, folks are sick of hearing me whine, maybe I should leave this post hidden in some drawer. I feel myself chickening out. I can't even write this here. Ok, I really can't. I'm going to hide this in the poetry blog and never speak of it again. Ok, I'm not, I prefer to be honest, critics be damned.
I feel trapped. I am always wanting change, seeking an existence that is more me but I am stuck in the same pattern of life again and again. There are bills and they must be paid. I have this almost unreasonable desire to disappear off the grid but I am mired in obligation. How will I pay for the car, the student loans, the house or even just for food? I keep dreaming of this bohemian life where I am a sort of travelling artist, performer, yoga teacher or perhaps even a circus star, but how do I reconcile these desires with being a grown up? Sometimes I really despise the life of a grown up. It's just not nearly all it was cracked up to be.
I somehow keep thinking that the older I get, the better I will have it figured out. So not true. I know less every day. I keep talking myself down with the reminder that the present is ok. This really works, try it. During the ten minutes I make myself believe this, I feel great. Too bad it isn't providing me with clues about the meaning of life--
I imagine that sooner than later, this spell will pass and I will be back to my optomistic, annoying self but I think I might take a little longer to wallow first. While this is uncomfortable, I have been spending a lot of time alone lately just thinking. Somehow, this doesn't seem like an entirely bad thing. I don't plan to be uncertain forever. I imagine that something may come of all the time I have been spending with my own thoughts. It seems hard for me to make big changes fast but when I make a change, I really make it.
Today I am grateful that my life is comfortable enough that I can waste an hour complaining (LOL). Seriously, I do feel better and I am grateful for what I have :)