Reflection 1/16/10

It has been so long since I even had a minute to think about blogging that I almost don't know where to begin. I'll start with the facts.

I have been super-busy since the beginning of the year. Actually, I have worked every day since January 2nd but the end is in sight. Monday, I have the day off from teaching school and teaching yoga. As I mentioned in December, this month I have a number of extra committments. Little Animals (yoga for ages 3-7) has kicked off successfully but teaching such young kids, is more than I bargained for. Luckily, I now have a plan and only two weeks left to go. I have also been subbing like crazy at the yoga studio and on Sunday, I also taught aerial yoga again.

Then there is my regular teaching job... This term is nuts. I teach three yoga classes in the morning. This is great but also very demanding physically. Today it seems to have caught up to me. I am completely exhausted and my whole body is aching.

I am currently teaching "intervention classes" all afternoon to kids who got Ds and Fs last term in Language Arts. Their major commonality is that they speak English as a Second Language but in other ways, they are a bit more diverse. Some of them are special education students. Some are good kids who just need help with English. There is another group with attendance issues and last but not least, the fabulous group of "behaviorally challenged" kids who make the whole process hell for everyone. Each day is a battle to get a word in edgewise. There are a few kids who never shut up. They can't seem to control the foul language spilling from their mouths or to stop sexually harassing people. I have been called "woman" twice, to which I snapped, "I do not belong to you and I am not your woman. Don't ever speak to a teacher that way..." Yesterday I had to kick a kid out for telling a girl to "Open her legs." Dios mio, where do these children come from?

Despite the insanity, I sometimes suspect that a few kids are learning in my room but none of us have been set up for success here. I am still wondering what my boss was thinking. It seems genius to throw all the struggling kids into one room, leave no supports or time for remediation and to expect us all to succeed. Then again, who am I to judge? So I keep trying my best, working more than I have in years and reminding myself that I have a mortgage to pay.

I have determined that there is no room in my life for MS at all. Any exacerbations that planned to visit will just have to wait because time off is out of the question. I am hanging on by thinking positive thoughts about my prognosis, sleeping whenever I can, trying to follow my diet and forcing myself to take my copaxone shot even when I want to hurl it out the window.

I realize that you can't will MS away but I figure I will just keep trucking as best I can for now. I won't dwell on what ifs? even when I feel sick like I do today. I will think positive thoughts about tomorrow. I will live in the moment, one day at a time reminding myself, "I am ok right now."

Sometimes I find myself complaining or fixated on the things in my life that are not working but I try to remember that it is a good life. There will be hard times and times when I can't do everything I want to because I am so busy surviving but the truth is, I live a comfortable life. Lately, I have been thinking about the people in Haiti and trying to send good thoughts their way. My troubles seem small when I compare my life to those of others, even those in my own city. I have a great deal to be grateful for.

Today I am grateful to live in a nice house, to be able to care for myself and to have loving people in my life.