Vacation around the corner

I cannot report that everything is suddenly peachy, but I'm feeling a little better at the moment than I have in a while. There are only two more days until vacation and my formal observation at work is over. I think it went ok but either way, I'm just relieved to have put it behind me.

I realized that part of why I have been feeling down a lot lately, is because I feel inadequate at my job. I also realize that I think about it constantly and try to think of ways to do things better. It may be time for me to ease off on myself a little. I wouldn't give my job all this thought if I didn't care about doing a good job for the kids.

I often find myself musing about a kid and wondering how I can help them be more successful. I may not always manage to make everything better, but I sure do try hard. I think I need to give myself a bit more credit. Sometimes I feel bad taking any breaks from work, but I think I actually do a better job when I find some balance, and it is not my every waking thought. I know I will work a lot during vacation, but I also hope to take a much-needed physical and mental break.

April and May promise to be very busy, but after break, there is only about seven weeks until the school year ends. I plan to spend my summer recharging a bit. I am going to teach some yoga for kids and hopefully get back to some creative pursuits like painting, writing poetry and refashioning. I am still hoping for some big life changes but if they don't come quickly, hopefully these breaks will give me the juice to approach things with new energy.

Today I am grateful for this moment of relaxation and contentment.

A sigh of relief

I am just breathing a small sigh of relief because I decided to take this feed off facebook. Not that anyone can't read it here, but now they have to seek it out. I looked and saw I had 96 "friends" on facebook but the truth is, I hardly know many of those people and some of them are professional contacts. I have been having a rough time lately and I don't really feel like posting my innermost thoughts to facebook. At the same time, I also wanted to keep the integrity of this blog which has always been almost brutally hones.

It seems like lately, I need to force the right look onto my face and the right sort of state into my mind before I can leave home. I don't want to have to fake it, even in my own home. There are good moments. Sometimes I can unearth my mind from my anxieties about work and honestly, just survival, but that is not all the time and the pretending is exhausting.

Today is a "snow day," so I don't have to go to work, yet I find myself tortured still. Really, a day off is just a chance to do more work and I can't even bring myself to do it. I am just counting the days until spring break, but it is still over a week away. I know I should be finding a way to enjoy today but instead I just feel sad.

I know I should work, hunt for jobs or maybe even do something nice for myself but mostly, I am just fantasizing about going back to bed. My problem is not MS and not even real depression, but I feel buried. I can hardly slog myself to the surface and every day I just get through, I feel relieved for.

I am waiting to feel a shift but I feel too bogged down to create it myself. I don't pray, but I'm praying for relief right about now. Something has got to give right?

I always try to end my entries in gratitude but I just don't have today's thought. Maybe that says something about where I am at. I guess I am grateful that not all days seem quite as hard, so maybe tomorrow will be better.

More Creative Visualization

Lately my focus has been almost entirely on working, and not really in a good way... While I struggle against the time constraints, and my own discontent, my mind is not idle. I'm trying not to dwell I want to look beyond this point in time which I find so challenging.

Now that I can feel the spring, I am trying to pull myself out of the mire and visual creative solutions to my problems. So far I am not having much success, but I am remembering how to visualize things that make me feel good. Call it escapism, but it does help a little.

There were a few moments today where I actually did visualize a different future for myself. It felt good. I think that I need to simplify my life. Now I just need to figure out exactly how to do this. I am not sure if I will make the changes myself, or if they will come to me, but my eyes are open and I'm going to continue to dream.

Not enough time or spoons

I have been away from home for the last twelve hours for the third day in a row. Lately I feel so tired I would like to lay down on the hard floor at work and go to sleep but there is always something that needs to be done.

I don't socialize. I don't even get to things on facebook. I know people are sending me messages but I just don't have the time or energy to get there. It's 6:30and I will go to bed by 7:30 or 8:00 so I can stay awake at work all day. I just sat down about ten minutes ago and dinner still needs to be made. Where are my spoons?

I just want to sit here and stare into space but I know I need to eat. I'm wishing to postpone all other chores or even personal grooming until the morning but dragging myself out of bed early enough is a risky business too. I'm just so tired...