I have been neglecting the blog. Working out my mental crap here is a bit of an indulgence, perhpas an indulgence better denied, but still alluring.
I got out of town for a week. I would like to claim I have learned the meaning of life and that I feel rejuvenated, but I think the opposite may be true in many ways. Vacation had its moments (don't get me wrong) but it also revealed to me that I have a lot of work to do in my current situation. I need to find ways to feel happy living the life I have in front of me, not in a temporary escape. A hard lesson, but a good one.
So here I am, back at home, trying to unearth my mind from the fog I have allowed to claim it. It's not easy. I have been trying to find a way free from my own discontent for some time, but I have had little success. I keep waiting for external things to change, instead of addressing the internal things that allow me to react adversely to my circumstances. Sometimes I feel like I'm wading through thick mud. I don't think this is one of those things that's just going to fix itself, rather, transformation is something I need to give some active effort, so right now I'm trying to remember my favorite things. Ok, I'm doing that, but I'm also just trying to work things out in my head.
I love music. Yoga brings me a joy that little else does. The spring inspires me. Writing fulfills and inspires me. Dance is an amazing gift. My current good health is also an amazing gift. Here I am, two years with MS, and I can get my body to do just about everything I might dream of doing. That is something never to be taken for granted.
I enjoy connecting with others, when it feels really genuine and meaningful. I still love teaching ( the way it feels when I actually touch a student's life and make a difference). Loneliness sometimes haunts me, but I love my independence. Sometimes home ownership is a burden, but I love my home, caring for my home and knowing that I can take care of myself. I love to feel strong: physically, emotionally and mentally.
I love sunshine, but I also love the sound of rain outside my window. I love art, film and my own creative pursuits. My blogs also bring me joy. I love my family, my friends and my cat. Perhaps oddly, I am comforted by routine and somewhat scared by change. I may cry and moan about it constantly, but I also think I am a little addicted to work. Does that make it one of my favorite things?
I like solitude. I like time to just sit and think but I feel guilty about doing nothing. I love free time, but I am sometimes tortured about how to use it. I write all this and see that this is not simple but I would like to believe that happiness itself is. I do, now to just let it claim me.
Dear blog, thanks for indulging this rather confused rant. Today I am grateful for life itself, challenges and all.