10/27/12

I have been working hard; really hard, and now I have a day off and I am so physically and mentally fatigued that I can't really even remember what it was that I was going to do for myself today. Yesterday I knew I was going to write a blog entry. Trouble is, I don't really even remember what I planned to write about but I woke up thinking, "Today I will write a blog entry, maybe two." Those of us who have MS know that sometimes our brains get foggy and sometimes we are just so tired that all it seems we can do is stare at a wall. I think I am close to that state and so what is coming out feels very random and disconnected. Still, I am compelled to write, so if you are still reading, bear with me. Yesterday I read a blog entry by a lady recently diagnosed with Guillain Barre. Her writing caught my attention because she mentioned how her illness forced her to drop out of yoga teacher training. I was hit with the immediate impulse to respond, the impulse to tell her not to give up hope, the impulse to tell her my story, to encourage her to pursue her dreams. I wanted to reassure her, just as I reassure myself that an autoimmune disorder does not define our entire life. I needed to remind us both that it is still possible to dream and to pursue our dreams. I really had to think about what I wanted to say because there is a fine line between, "Look at me and what I can do" and offering another person a success story. More randomness, but there is a tie in... I still have a hard time even believing that my current life is real. How did I get to where I am today so suddenly? A year and 3 months ago I got serious about aerial dance. Last October I performed for the first time. This November, I will perform 3 times in one week. I still keep expecting to wake up and discover that this is not real. This feeling serves as a constant reminder to love the moment. For me, happiness has been about coming back to who I really am, the person I somehow always was underneath it all. It is strange how we are born perfect, exactly as we are and then we often spend our entire life trying to reshape ourselves into what we think we are supposed to be. I think I have finally gotten back to me, but I am afraid that ego will get in my way and ruin my enjoyment of the experiences and opportunities before me. It is a fine line between enjoying being a performer because it is my nature and creating my performer persona. It is my nature to invent and perform but I need it to be for me. If this disease has taught me anything, it has taught me that any action that I take contrary to my true nature is highly detrimental to my health and happiness. So I create characters and book shows, and I try to remember why I am doing the things I am doing. I notice the minute I think too much of my work as obligation or business, it robs me of joy and causes stress. The stress in turn causes health issues and obliterates the point of even performing and owning a moving arts business. It is a fine line. I want to "make it" as an artist and teacher, "live the dream" but not lose sight of the stuff that actually matters. That is a tall order.