The Shadow Self

I long to be only as I am--
To let the voice of doubt in my mind
Quiet.

I swore I would give up this addiction--
My desire to find chaos where there is none
My willingness to see obstacles where none exist.

Shadow self,
Nemesis
Catalyst
Anarchist in my mind.

I am not you
I am not my fear
I am not just my shadow.

But you are real
Not to be ignored or denied
You will have your say--

There's darkness
But there is also creativity--
Layers of my being only revealed
In the mirages with which you fill my mind.

I am not you
But you are me
Something deep in my soul that stirs me
up--

I never was silence
I never was tranquility
That too is not my nature.

I am bursting
But I cannot create without catharsis--
You are my catharsis.

I long to shrug you off
But you too have a place in my being
I cannot ignore your pull
You are a parasite
but one I need for growth.

So I battle you,
I resist,
I let you fill my mind with whispers of hate--
For my weaknesses

But you will not be denied--
Alone I shine briefly
But then go out--

Struggle as I may
I create nothing,
Grow nowhere without your shoves.

Without darkness
There is no light
Without either,
All things are cast in shadow

I can fight you
Or I can use use you--