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Sunday, May 10, 2009

The Shadow Self

I long to be only as I am--
To let the voice of doubt in my mind
Quiet.

I swore I would give up this addiction--
My desire to find chaos where there is none
My willingness to see obstacles where none exist.

Shadow self,
Nemesis
Catalyst
Anarchist in my mind.

I am not you
I am not my fear
I am not just my shadow.

But you are real
Not to be ignored or denied
You will have your say--

There's darkness
But there is also creativity--
Layers of my being only revealed
In the mirages with which you fill my mind.

I am not you
But you are me
Something deep in my soul that stirs me
up--

I never was silence
I never was tranquility
That too is not my nature.

I am bursting
But I cannot create without catharsis--
You are my catharsis.

I long to shrug you off
But you too have a place in my being
I cannot ignore your pull
You are a parasite
but one I need for growth.

So I battle you,
I resist,
I let you fill my mind with whispers of hate--
For my weaknesses

But you will not be denied--
Alone I shine briefly
But then go out--

Struggle as I may
I create nothing,
Grow nowhere without your shoves.

Without darkness
There is no light
Without either,
All things are cast in shadow

I can fight you
Or I can use use you--

5 comments:

Living Day to Day with Multiple Sclerosis said...

Very beautiful poem!!!

Lazy Julie said...

Aaaah. The ongoing inner battle. I loved this one.

Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks ladies.

BRAINCHEESE said...

Nadja,

Just catching up on my blog reading and clicked over here to find such beautifully written prose...you have a gift, my dear. I hope you will continue to share it.

Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks so much Ms. Cheese. That means a lot coming from you.