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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Teenager without the pimples

I like the blog because it helps me travel light. I like the way it keeps me writing on a regular basis but at times I am unsure about it too. There are still the questions: what belongs on what blog? How much should I really say on this blog? Should I stick to the topic of MS? Does the "Living!" part in the title of the blog give me license to expand the topic? The truth is since it's my blog, I guess it can be anything I want... Hello obsessive stranger.

I'm in the midst of a round of angst. Do you ever really get over it? I suspect it's not just a teenager thing, but maybe I just spend too much time with adolescents, and it's rubbing off. My angst seems to cycle. Sometimes things just seem to flow along. I feel confident, certain of who I am and what I want. Then I flounder--

Audience awareness is stifling me here. I'm thinking, folks are sick of hearing me whine, maybe I should leave this post hidden in some drawer. I feel myself chickening out. I can't even write this here. Ok, I really can't. I'm going to hide this in the poetry blog and never speak of it again. Ok, I'm not, I prefer to be honest, critics be damned.

I feel trapped. I am always wanting change, seeking an existence that is more me but I am stuck in the same pattern of life again and again. There are bills and they must be paid. I have this almost unreasonable desire to disappear off the grid but I am mired in obligation. How will I pay for the car, the student loans, the house or even just for food? I keep dreaming of this bohemian life where I am a sort of travelling artist, performer, yoga teacher or perhaps even a circus star, but how do I reconcile these desires with being a grown up? Sometimes I really despise the life of a grown up. It's just not nearly all it was cracked up to be.

I somehow keep thinking that the older I get, the better I will have it figured out. So not true. I know less every day. I keep talking myself down with the reminder that the present is ok. This really works, try it. During the ten minutes I make myself believe this, I feel great. Too bad it isn't providing me with clues about the meaning of life--

I imagine that sooner than later, this spell will pass and I will be back to my optomistic, annoying self but I think I might take a little longer to wallow first. While this is uncomfortable, I have been spending a lot of time alone lately just thinking. Somehow, this doesn't seem like an entirely bad thing. I don't plan to be uncertain forever. I imagine that something may come of all the time I have been spending with my own thoughts. It seems hard for me to make big changes fast but when I make a change, I really make it.

Today I am grateful that my life is comfortable enough that I can waste an hour complaining (LOL). Seriously, I do feel better and I am grateful for what I have :)


Lisa Emrich said...

I can relate to so many things you've shared here. It's an interesting thing we do sharing our lives and thoughts on blogs. Sometimes I can be emotionally dangerous and other times, very satisfying. I wish you the time and peace to do what you wish and enjoy, no matter what it is.

Anonymous said...

I read your blog whenever you post, and I can also relate to so much of your writings! I often read and hear about women saying how their 30s are their best time in life, finally they feel secure and happy about themselves. While I am thinking "Huh?? This part is something I've missed...", feeling like an insecure teenage girl at the age of 34. But I'm thinking like you, I will figure things out eventually. And from what I read in your blog, you seem like a very strong and intelligent woman who definitely will figure things out! (And you certainly don't have to hide any of your writings in a drawer) ;-)


Clare said...

I choose to have 2 blogs , one for crafting the other about life in general.As one I blogged about more than the other and stuff sort of got lost.
Keep on blogging and be yourself and most of all enjoy doing it xx

Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks ladies. I'm glad I did not choose to hide this post. I have been feeling better ever since I wrote it and it's good to remember that we are not alone in our feelings of doubt and insecurity.