Update 2-22-10

Not too much to report here. I'm back from a long weekend break. Aside from Spring Break, this may be my last one until the school year ends. I have my fingers crossed that I have a sick day or two saved, but I'm not sure. I am trying to wrap myself around the idea of working hard from here on out and staying healthy. My plan is to try for as much balance in my life as possible. I realize I have alot of stuff to do, but I am trying to find ways to break it all into manageable chunks so that I won't get sick or overwhelmed.

I think I am going to try doing just a bit of each extra task every day so that I don't get bored, frustrated or burnt out. Keeping my house clean for all the showings, as I try to sell it, is a major task unto itself. I'm going to try doing just a few minutes a day instead of large chunks here and there. I am also gearing up for the job hunt. So far, I have found several positions that look interesting, so my plan is to try just sending one application a day. Of course right now, the server on the site where I wanted to work is down, so I took the time to blog instead.

I am hoping that if I really plan and manage my time in this way, I will get less overwhelmed than I have been lately. It has been a bit of a rough winter. I'm not so much depressed, as I am discontented and overwhelmed. I have been having a lot of little melt downs. I think this is ok but I really don't want it to effect the times where I have to be out in public. A few tears at home when I'm tired is one thing, letting my students see me upset is another.

I am trying to look toward my future and decide what I most want, but I am very bogged down in my day-to-day survival at this point. I guess the good news is that I am surviving:) I felt a little sick over the weekend and I slept a ton but I have my fingers crossed that I am out of the woods now. Part of my balancing act means making sure that I continue to get plenty of sleep. I think that is key to staying physically and mentally healthy, so as I continue to take on a few more things and maintain what is already before me, I plan to still prioritize sleep above almost all else. I also continue to hope that as spring comes, the increase in light will perk me up and give me the energy to take care of the little extras I need to start slipping into my day.

Right now this is my plan for living, if not Living! Today I am grateful for the little things that make life worth living.

Thanks for your loyalty

A quick apology to all my awesome "followers..." Sorry I have been so scarce lately. Life has a way of catching up with us at times and leaving us absolutely spun around. That certainly describes my life lately. I am finally taking a little R&R this weekend before I blow my health and my mind. I promise to be back soon with something witty, or at least something (LOL).

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The unexpected

Just a few moments to indulge in a guilty pleasure: blogging, before I get back to working. I have been working like a dog. The job is haunting my every waking hour and even some of my sleeping ones. This afternoon I took time out for a nap and had dreams that I was still checking on kids progress in my classroom. Ugh!

I got to the yoga studio and graded stack after stack of disheartening papers. Despite my best efforts, all my 10th graders completely flunked the test. Of course, passing did require actually reading the book... It was another hard day on the front lines and their work did not cheer me up. I kept asking, "Is it me?" Just when I was really down, I had a nice, unexpected surprise.

One of my yoga students walked in and said to me, "Don't doubt that every day you make a difference."

"I sure don't feel like it," I said.

She told me, "You should listen to your own words of wisdom. I was repeating what you said in class the other day on my way here. You said, 'You can either stress, or transistion with grace."

I guess I did say that. "I guess sometimes people are listening," I told her, "But I'm still a crappy classroom teacher."

"Hey, you also told me to "Doubt my doubts," she reminded me.

I did do that, didn't I? I'm glad to know that at least someone is listening when I teach:) My student is right. I really should take my own advice.

There are two things that really do help me. Since it seems at least someone listens, I will share. First, when I feel reluctance to face the next thing before me I remind myself. "You are ok right now and that is all that matters. Take things as they come, and you will be fine." The second thing I do is remind myself, "You can always try again tomorrow." That really helps too because then I can feel ok about whatever I think went poorly today. So as I near the end of another long day, I think, "I will try again tomorrow." All we can ever do is our best. I think I can live with that.

Today I am grateful to be fine right here and now, and to have the gift of tomorrow to try again.

Color me a different shade

Sadly, I'm not even interesting to me anymore. I'm sick of sameness, sick of listening to myself mull over the same crap, sick of the job, sick of the routine and I'm still seeing little change on the horizon. I want to do something different, create something beautiful, but I seem stuck in blah. When I get a break from working, I feel either too physically, or too mentally drained, to do anything remotely exciting. I'm trying to accept that-- for now. I'm completely discontent thinking that this stagnation will last for long. I'm determined to claw my way out, do something that isn't work, sleep, or escape from thoughts of work.

I want to find something to look forward to besides my next nap (LOL). Maybe this is just winter blues. I can't say I'm trying hard to find it, but I'm looking for new opportunities to come my way. In the meantime, I'm trying for patience and something better than a tolerable existence. I see glimmers at times.

I did get out a few times this weekend. I went to aerial dance to practice on the fabric and hoop. That was cool. Yesterday, I actually went to a yoga class I didn't teach. Now, I hunger for the time and energy for greater adventure. My eyes are open. I just need some inspiration.

Today I am grateful that my largest complaint is lack of inspiration. I am truly grateful for the comfort of my existence:)