Latest MRI and general update

Great health news. My latest MRI came back and I have no new lesions and the ones on my left side are smaller. I guess something is working for me. Since I'm not sure what, I'll just stick with my new routine. I will continue with Copaxone. I will also stick with the diet I have been following since September. I now eat meat again but do not eat gluten or soy and I watch my dairy intake. Rest is a priority and I continue to get regular excercise with my yoga teaching and practice. Lately I have also been taking some vitamin D and a multi-vitamin but that is a new thing.

My summer has been pretty mellow but I have been teaching a ton of yoga. I am also still trying to sell my house. Yesterday we entered a new chapter of this process. I met with my ex and real estate team to start working toward a short sale. I am hoping the process goes smoothly and resolves in a timely matter. The whole sale thing has been stressful physically and financially and I am ready to wrap it up. I had intended to move and get a place with a friend but my ex wants us to keep paying for the house so I think my friend is going to move in. This is something I am looking forward to. Today I am grateful for the positive results of my MRI.

Update 6/15/10

Settling in also brought on the lazy... It has been hard to get motivated to do much beyond what I have already committed to but I guess that is the good part of vacation, you do what you do, and then you save the rest for another day.

I have been writing a little bit for my yoga book and it's nice to be ahead of my classes and have something prepared. Ordinarily, I am scrambling at the last moment to pull my thoughts together, but now I am planning ahead a bit more.

I have been sorting through things in my house and trying to get motivated to finish packing up for when I can finally move. I am hoping to wrap things up with my house sale soon and to be out by, or before, the end of summer. I am also searching for a deal on a new computer because mine is hardly functioning anymore and is threatening to give up the ghost soon. I have my fingers crossed that it makes it.

Today I finally downloaded the pictures I took on a recent trip to the Denver Botanic Gardens, so I am also entertaining ideas of doing some sketching or painting. The rest of my time I have spent searching and applying for jobs, cleaning house, gardening, lounging around and doing yoga. I have been practicing more yoga this summer than I have in a while which creates a nice balance between teaching and my own yoga. Overall, things have been pretty mellow. I notice that the idea of doing much makes me rather anxious and discontent so I guess I really need to value this break and to become as relaxed as possible before I need to move and/or start work again.

I am grateful for my summer vacation.

Settling In

I am beginning to adjust. Today I was driving to work at the yoga studio and I found myself smiling for no reason. I felt happy and it was not because I was forcing myself to think positive or trying to tell myself I should be happy. I just was!

I think I may be relaxing. I have been focusing my yoga teaching on balance. I'm trying to bring some of that balance into my own life-- a healthy balance of taking care of a few things every day and just enjoying myself and chilling out. It feels good.

Today I am grateful to just feel good.

Adjusting

Now that vacation is finally here, I notice that I am still adjusting. I am finding it a bit hard to just relax after being continually on the go and I am feeling a bit agitated. I hope a few more days of vacation will help me just start to chill out.

I have started a journal and I am hoping that it will be a useful tool for sorting out the millions of thoughts spinning through my mind. I am hoping if I can just purge some of the excess in my head that I can calm down a bit, and find a way to be present.

So far the break has been pretty mellow. It is only me that has not slowed down. I have had some nice time with friends and family and I hope to continue in that vein in the next few weeks. I also am getting to do a bit of reading just for fun and that is really nice.

I have been feeling a bit fatigued and the heat is bothering me a little, but overall, my health remains good. Today I am grateful for this chance to kick back and rest. Tomorrow will actually be the first day where I do not have to work at all because I have still been at one of my yoga jobs every day since school ended.

May Summer Bring the Change

Today was my last day with students. Tomorrow is my last day of this school year. I'm working on my own mental crap and I'm hoping that summer vacation gives me just the boost I need.

We create our own suffering a good deal of the time. I am ready to let mine go and to just start feeling good.

I am grateful for the break. May this time heal all within me that needs healing so that I can begin looking out rather than always at my own survival.

Adult Growing Pains

Friends, family and even near strangers keep reassuring me that a great deal of learning and growth can come from tough times. I sure hope so. I'm trying to pay attention to things that come my way and to learn from them but it is hard not to feel impatient. I keep dreaming of my own magic wand that I can just wave to give me all the answers I need and to make everything clear and right. I know this is not going to happen but it has not stopped me from wishing...

I have been struggling a lot with poor self-confidence. I feel directionless in uncharted seas, and I long for something or someone to hang onto, but I know this is a journey I must chart alone. It is clear to me that I can hardly stand to be without a master plan, but I dare not create one without knowing what I really want. Honestly, I don't know what I want. I have been feeling so tired. I can't tell if this is MS or just all my attempts to figure things out. I feel scattered too, so my fatigue and seeming inability to focus is driving me a little nuts. I would love to just lie down and sleep for a few days. Maybe I could even have some really illuminating dreams. Will I figure some stuff out once I hit my summer break and rest a little? I keep hoping that will take care of things but think it may take more.

I did decide to find a new therapist since I have not had one in some time, but I could not even get an appointment until late June. Being the impatient sort I am, I want help now.

I do feel a bit better than I have the last few months, but I still feel unsettled. Angst about the future is pacing the corners of my mind. I am not in constant anxiety, but I can't help remembering that I can't put off decisions about my house and my job forever. I recognize that avoidance can be a good temporary coping mechanism, but it is not getting to the root of what is troubling me. Thank God for the present. Being present helps keep me sane but I want to be able to think beyond today without fear and fear is controlling me far more than I would like.

Today I am grateful for everything that I have-- my comforts, my loved ones and my health.

Today

Right now,
Only right now,
At this second I can breath--

Sometimes I just can step back for an instant,
And for that instant,
Things are simple.

I wonder that I ever panic,
Yet I often awake,
My heart racing, with dread I cannot explain.

Wondering how I entered the nightmare
Wondering how to escape
Struggling to see the other side of realities I want to deny.

Then I seperate from that reality for a moment,
Like now
And I wonder what all the fuss was.

How do I retain this vantage point?
This glimpse outside
Crushing, consuming darkness--

I don't feel like I have a disease
But I feel diseased
Longing to always have perspective.

I Long to remember,
That soon
Even this current phase will pass.