I imagine that everyone who learns they have a life-altering illness or disease goes through a period or times of fear. I know I have mentioned this before but during this past year, I have really had to confront my mortatlity for the first time. I used to feel so invincible. It was as though I could do anything I put my mind to. Now I am less certain of myself. I worry about taking on too much. At moments I find myself almost paralyzed by thoughts of the future. I think that is because I often have to psyche myself up and remind myself I can get through the week or even the day. When I look too far into the future, I am filled with anxiety and dread.
I want to plan for next school year. I want to plan for the summer but when I think about what needs to be done, I get terrified and it seems the only way to calm myself is to focus back on the day where I am. This may not be a bad thing. It keeps me very present. I have been learning to realign my mind this way. It was really only a few days ago when I realized that it was the future that was at the root of almost all the anxiety I experience. This was a good revelation because I think it is easier to confront the fears that can be identified, rather than those that are hazy and disturbing.
Today I am grateful to know the source of my fear so I can begin to confront it.
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10 comments:
The only way to feed an elephant is one crumb at a time.
Regardless of MS, we all feel overwelmed with much to do at times.
The future will always be in front of you, just out of reach, but you are in control of what happens "right now."
Take time to picture the things you wish to enjoy this summer or next month, or whenever. Maybe picture going to your favorite eatery with your husband. Or dream of the beautiful refashions you can create.
When the time comes, you will find a way to do the things you dream of.
Not only are you, as Lisa said, in control of right now, right now is all there is. I'm sure you know this from your Yoga study - right?
This has nothing to do with this post, which was very true, but I have to say it anyway: Can you make your font bigger? I have a hard time seeing it well because it is too small for my MS riddled eyeballs to see. Thank you! BB
The fear will come and go. Just like the MS, the emotions that go with it are not predictable and never written in stone. But that's okay, because as time goes on (and with good practice) the fear can become more manageable. But it's necessary to know that the fear can and will pop up sporadically. It doesn't completely go away, it is just somehow managed. That's my honest estimation. Maybe a superhero has no fear. But we're human beings....
Nadja-- go to "Customize" at the top right of your blog. Then go to "Fonts and Colors" to the top left of the screen (under Layout.) Scroll down to "Text Font" and then you can opt to enlarge. I need to enlarge MS Stength myself, but it's a matter of finding and changing the html code---UGH.
Lately, I have become aware of the same thing - I am scared to commit to anything, because...well who knows how things will be. So annoying. I seem to have forgotten the importance of flexibility.
Thanks for all the comments everyone. I can see you get it. Some days are much better than others. I can be much more focused and optomistic when I feel well.
when my neighbor once responded to my worries and dreads of the future,with some simplistic quip,I wanted to hit him! I thought how dare he try to minimize my fears with one-liners!Yet that stupid response stuck with me,and I've come to see it's nutshell truth;one day at a time my friend. You know Nadja my mind goes from train station to run-away brakeless speeding into walls type thinking when I succumb to my fear-filled thoughts, then hell I just gotta put on the brakes.My thinking was a habit,and it's one I felt capable of breaking.
Yes I know you know all this. I even know you have times of great and steely courage. I only wish you to know you are by no means alone in your struggles( and your triumphs)I so often think I see in your posts that you set such high standards for yourself that Attilla the Hun would find exhausting! Enjoy your achievments with pride and be gentle with yourself along the way.The stars shine for the contented blades of grass as well as the churning storms of the sea.Shalom to you this night.Go out and breathe in the cool night air, watch the moon rise and be enraptured with the stars just as you did as a child.Let your soul out to play with the moonbeams, and know what a part of the vital universe you are.How connected and involved you are to everything and everybody.Then my friend dream of the divine whatever it may be.These are my Friday the 13th wishes for you.Goodnight.
That was beautiful Pat. Thanks so much:)
"when I realized that it was the future that was at the root of almost all the anxiety I experience."
Very prophetic, D.R...I can usually endure any temporary *pain* I am in, but it is the bracing myself for *pain* to come that causes spasms.
BTW, you are a wonderful writer. :-)
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