I imagine that everyone who learns they have a life-altering illness or disease goes through a period or times of fear. I know I have mentioned this before but during this past year, I have really had to confront my mortatlity for the first time. I used to feel so invincible. It was as though I could do anything I put my mind to. Now I am less certain of myself. I worry about taking on too much. At moments I find myself almost paralyzed by thoughts of the future. I think that is because I often have to psyche myself up and remind myself I can get through the week or even the day. When I look too far into the future, I am filled with anxiety and dread.
I want to plan for next school year. I want to plan for the summer but when I think about what needs to be done, I get terrified and it seems the only way to calm myself is to focus back on the day where I am. This may not be a bad thing. It keeps me very present. I have been learning to realign my mind this way. It was really only a few days ago when I realized that it was the future that was at the root of almost all the anxiety I experience. This was a good revelation because I think it is easier to confront the fears that can be identified, rather than those that are hazy and disturbing.
Today I am grateful to know the source of my fear so I can begin to confront it.