I find life a twisted path that I continue to navigate with varying degrees of success. There is a part of me that desires complete control and another part of me that wants to surrender all my will to come what may. These desires compete and sometimes one outstrips the other. If MS has taught me nothing, it is that I am not in control but old habits die hard. I want to let go, quit grasping so hard for the reigns but sometimes it is as though I canot live without the illusion that I can somehow manipulate my life and my health to make them as I would have them. I pat myself on the back for taking care of things. I pat myself on the back for getting through each day but more and more I find that I must just accept things as they come. When I must push through pain and adversity I will if I can but I am beginning to find that by resting when my body tells me to rest, easing my grasp on the reigns and living one day at a time, I am more satisfied with the ultimate outcomes in my daily existence.
Accepting that I am not in control is hard. Yesterday when I taught yoga I encouraged my students to let go of any need they might have for control. I told them that all we can really control on any given day is our state of mind. This is true but boy is it hard to control ones state of mind all the time. My therapist said it is ok to feel what you feel. I try to do this to without falling apart at the seams. For me I think it is ok to feel sad or anxious when I do, I just cannot let it consume me.
So what have I been up to lately? I have just been trying to make the best of each day. I have been trying to enjoy the things that I enjoy and to carry the good feelings from those things around with me. I think I feel the very best when I am teaching yoga and right afterwards. I guess that means I just have to teach a lot of yoga.
Today I am grateful that I have the opportunity to teach yoga almost every day.