I am feeling the weight of the world but I'm so tired. I fight my anxiety, battling against the current of a future I cannot solely control. Sometimes I just want someone else to provide me with answers and solutions. There are times when I just wish I could lay down and quit trying or caring but I have this deeper sense that I am responsible not just for my own survival but for a multitude of other lives as well.
Why this current tangent? It has been a busy week, I'm exhausted but the task of preparing myself for the next school year is looming. My school district has decide to restructure the English acquisition programs (ESL) in our district and this directly effects my students and my programs. Last night I went to a meeting to discuss this but I had this sense that most of the stakeholders in the decision-making process will not be involved in making the decisions. I realize that I don't have to be left out. I can apply to be part of the group that will make the decisions but I'm so tired. I want someone else to do this job. I want someone else to solve the problems but I am afraid that this is one of those times where I must attempt to participate for a greater good.
My profile lists "activism" as one of my interests. It is, has been for a long time, but now I just don't feel like I have the energy to do what must be done. Perhaps someone else will step up or appear to shoulder this burden but I am uncertain. Perhaps I will apply to help and not be accepted but I realize that despite my hesitations, I must try to help. This would have excited me a year ago but now I just long to do less, rest more and focus on teaching yoga. The ills in public education glare at me but I don't want to own them. I honestly want to just show up, do a good job in my room and then leave the work behind at the end of the day. I have been able to do this for a while but I can tell that things are shifting and I am going to have to look and plan beyond my current horizon. I am just so tired...
Today I am grateful that there is a vacation around the corner and time to rejuvenate so I can face the challenges of the future.