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Thursday, March 26, 2009

Journal 3/26/09

I am feeling the weight of the world but I'm so tired. I fight my anxiety, battling against the current of a future I cannot solely control. Sometimes I just want someone else to provide me with answers and solutions. There are times when I just wish I could lay down and quit trying or caring but I have this deeper sense that I am responsible not just for my own survival but for a multitude of other lives as well.

Why this current tangent? It has been a busy week, I'm exhausted but the task of preparing myself for the next school year is looming. My school district has decide to restructure the English acquisition programs (ESL) in our district and this directly effects my students and my programs. Last night I went to a meeting to discuss this but I had this sense that most of the stakeholders in the decision-making process will not be involved in making the decisions. I realize that I don't have to be left out. I can apply to be part of the group that will make the decisions but I'm so tired. I want someone else to do this job. I want someone else to solve the problems but I am afraid that this is one of those times where I must attempt to participate for a greater good.

My profile lists "activism" as one of my interests. It is, has been for a long time, but now I just don't feel like I have the energy to do what must be done. Perhaps someone else will step up or appear to shoulder this burden but I am uncertain. Perhaps I will apply to help and not be accepted but I realize that despite my hesitations, I must try to help. This would have excited me a year ago but now I just long to do less, rest more and focus on teaching yoga. The ills in public education glare at me but I don't want to own them. I honestly want to just show up, do a good job in my room and then leave the work behind at the end of the day. I have been able to do this for a while but I can tell that things are shifting and I am going to have to look and plan beyond my current horizon. I am just so tired...

Today I am grateful that there is a vacation around the corner and time to rejuvenate so I can face the challenges of the future.


Heather said...

Enjoy every minute of you break!

Serina said...

Nadja, its a hard place to be. I understand what you mean about wanting to be more involved, but at the same time trying to take any possible limitations on your own well being into consideration.

It is difficult. I would just encourage you to think about it and answer a few different questions for yourself.

If you didn't at least try, would you be able to feel ok about it?

If you do apply and make it, would it inspire and give you the motivation and energy to have the positive impact you desire? If the answer is yes, then great good luck!

But if the answer is no, then don't feel bad to forego.. maybe it would be better to defer this time to allow someone who does have the time and energy.

Good luck in deciding, I wish you peace of mind, whichever road you take :)

Denver Refashionista said...

Thanks Heather.

Webster said...

Sometimes Nadja, we have to listen to that little voice in our heads that guides us. It doesn't always tell us what we want to hear.

MS is a tough taskmaster which I think you work with beautifully. But maybe now you might want to considering adding the word "surrender" to your arsenal, and spend some time ruminating on what it is you REALLY want.

Use your break wisely, Lady.

Denver Refashionista said...

Well said Webster. I suspect what I really want is some of the "me" time that MS has required me to take. This may mean skipping some professional opportunities in my "career" field and focusing on opportunities that allow me to do more yoga and meditation.