Over the last few months I have been keeping the overall tone of this blog pretty positive but I guess everyone has to unload sometimes...
The last few days I have been finding an urge to write angsty poetry. It seems there are things on my mind. The biggest thing has been poor sleep. I keep having nightmares and restless sleep. Last night, my nightmare woke me up but I couldn't even remember it. I felt really sick too. I was sore, nauseaous and dizzy but the worst part was that I felt parched. Even my skin felt hot and dry. I drank a ton of water but I couldn't get the sand paper feeling out of my mouth. When I got up today, it was still there.
When I helped to set up therapeutic yoga, I was roasting hot. During class, I had to get up three times to drink glasses of cold water. After class, I went out to lunch with the group at a Thai restaurant. I finally found relief in the air conditioning. I drank a Thai iced tea and ate a cool salad and I started to feel a bit better. Right now, I am sitting in my cool living room drinking ice water. I'm tired but I feel so much better.
I guess no matter how well a person adjusts to having MS, there are still bad days. I have had a few lately. It is still a struggle not knowing from one day to the next how I will feel. The headaches and nausea seem to come frequently. I suspect the heat that has made me irritable and sleepless at times. Yesterday I found myself in tears about the MS for the first time in a long time. First, I cried in the afternoon after trying to puke before I had to go teach yoga. I couldn't even get the relief of vomiting because nothing came up but I felt hot and horrible. I was so frustrated and when I first got to the studio, I still felt warm and dizzy. Then, last night when I woke up feeling awful, I cried again. I almost never cry from the physical discomfort anymore, I get upset about needing to go on with my plans when I feel lousy. I also get upset when I can't do what I want to do.
Last night, I got upset worrying about what I would do if I got really sick while my husband and my dog are camping. I can't call him, not that it even matters. I have family in abundance nearby. What I did remember is that I usually keep my phone and my insurance card downstairs when I sleep. I realized that if I woke up ill and couldn't handle the stairs, I would have serious problems. This is actually very far-fetched. Even at my sickest, I have handled the stairs on my bottom. I realize there is no real problem here but the idea freaked me out when I was feeling sick. The good thing is, I rarely entertain this sort of "what if" anymore. Today I know I will be fine but I will go to bed with the phone by me for reassurance.
On a more positive note, I am coming around a bit on the facebook thing. Lately I have been able to find a whole bunch of relatives I never even knew about. One of my relatives even has a genealogy page where I was able to learn more about the family history. As I find relatives, I have been making new "friends" and many of them have been adding new pieces to the family puzzle. I have been keeping some notes as I try to sort it all out. I love research projects :)
I am looking forward to a few more weeks off before I have to really start work. Next week my husband and I are going to visit his family in California. We are going to the beach and I am very excited. I think it will be cooler there and that may help me feel better.
Today I am grateful for the life I have and the people who make it richer.