Life can be a lot like writing. We remember and learn as we go. We continually revise and edit our visions of ourselves and others. We learn from past experiences and adjust as needed.
Right now I am getting ready to edit the first chapter of my memoir. I am curious to look back at the person I was when I wrote it. I am interested to see how I have changed and grown. I actually wonder if I will read the whole thing and toss out half. That is how it often goes. We think we know something, feel certain and then look back on it and wonder what the hell we were thinking.
I hope to find some perspective in looking back. I think that my life continues to improve but on days like today, I need a little reminder.
I am a little frustrated. I slept poorly, plagued by nightmares that reoccured each time I slept. I feel sick. It started on the weekend with achy joints and by Monday, progressed to vertigo. I felt better yesterday morning after loads of sleep but by afternoon, I felt exhausted and nauseous again. Today I feel the same although I slept about twelve hours. I wanted to go to yoga but right now it seems like too much. A little of my old guilt is creeping in and that voice in the back of my head is telling me I should be doing something even though I have nothing I need to do.
This is where I revise. I rewrite the script that is filled with guilt to one of acceptance and gratitude. I accept that some days I must just rest and recuperate, even if it is inconvenient. I am grateful because I'm not completely incapacitated. I am grateful because I don't have any commitments and there is no better time to just rest.
Now I will go and edit my manuscript and perhaps I will learn a little more about myself and my journey in the process.