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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

I want to be in charge

By the time Sunday night rolled around, I was fed up, ready to give up, and ready to email my doctor for anti-depressants, but then I was again faced with the idea that I really have no reason to be unhappy. Well this realization can only take me two ways: my struggles are either purely chemical, or I just have a hard time remembering how to allow myself to be happy. At that point, I decided to fight my hardest to be in charge of this thing. Is it possible to just continually decide to be happy? I suspect it might be. I decided I just have to give it my best try. Yesterday was a pretty great success. Today through trial and error, I am at a minimum ok, maybe a bit better, but I can feel the crazy lurking underneath. I got myself out of the house not long after awakening today. This kept me from devolving in ways that I do not wish to devolve, but did not save me from indulging in some acts of crazy. My latest, and largest obsession, is job hunting for next year. It doesn't seem to matter how much I remind and reassure myself that I have time, it's early and I will find something, I still think about this problem every day almost the minute I open my eyes. I keep thinking that if I can just get this figured out, everything else will fall into place. I wish that were really the case. I just can't seem to relax about this issue for long, no matter how much time I spend reassuring myself. I made a deal with myself that on my free days I would send out two cover letters. Of course today, despite my generally better state of mind, I sent out four, and I feel an itch to do more. I have been getting replies from a few of my letters, but each of them has been to tell me that the position I am seeking has already been filled. I suspect I am spinning my wheels in many cases, applying for phantom posts... And even though I know this deep down, I can't seem to stop myself in the same futile process every day. The thing is that I know myself. I know my own compulsions. It is super-difficult to coax myself into down time. I kept telling myself yesterday that laying around with a novel is hardly wasting my life or ruining my chances of finding a job for August, but I must have done a poor job of convincing myself because when I considered such an option this morning, I felt that bubble of contentment I spent yesterday creating, starting to slip a bit, and I knew that if I didn't leave the house, I would slide down that sharp abyss of mind into a place of darkness. I believe that I may have the ability to control my state of mind, to be in charge of how I feel, but I wish it didn't feel like "work." Until Sunday night, I found myself fighting so hard against impending anxiety and depression that my head ached. The last couple days I am not fighting nearly as hard, but it is still there, closer to the surface than I want it to be. That is why anti-depressants remain a bit of a lure to me. I promised myself a week to try a commitment to happiness, so I am really trying...

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