Wednesday, March 13, 2013
I suppose the fact that I can take the time to sit in a coffee shop and update my blog is a form of self-indulgence. At the moment, I don't have internet at home and I keep feeling this need to update my blog. Sometimes I think the best way to fight the darkness that keeps trying to engulf my brain is to write. I am not sure if it really helps, but I have already realized the hard way that I can't just hole up in the house and hide from dealing with my life. Sometimes I find the hiding gives me temporary relief but ultimately, I think it makes me feel worse. Sometimes I just want to bury myself in bed, under the covers with my beautiful kitty beside me and just try to forget, forget the imperative to do, and worse the imperative to find something to worry about every day. It seems the moment that I have managed to put one worry to bed, another one finds a way to crop its ugly head. I try to fight them, but every day, something seems to emerge. I feel like these things will strangle me. I just want to go back to bed, but I know that if I do, in the end, I will feel worse. Each day I find that by somewhere between noon and five I feel good again and I can hardly remember what was plaguing me. The whole thing then just looks like a giant self-indulgence, but when I am in it, I am in it. I find my breath is shallow, I am filled with a nameless fear and I am not sure how to find relief. Later, I seem to start dragging out free, deep breath, after free deep breath, until I feel fine again and no one who sees me can even suspect that my day started so wrong. I keep trying to figure it out... How can I get my day to begin without sadness or fear? Why can't I feel as good at 7am as I usually do at 7pm? Every day I tell myself, "Tomorrow will be different" but then the next day arrives, and the cycle repeats itself. I am confused. Why is it that no matter how much I tell myself not to even let the ugly thoughts start, they just creep in and then settle down to quietly strangle me? And then, like right now, they are just gone and I am fine but almost afraid to go home, afraid they are waiting for me there... A seemingly illogical part of me of me keeps thinking, "If only x,y and z fall into place, I will just stop worrying and everything will be perfect," but that is the real crazy because I am looking at external things to solve some very internal issues. For years I have continued to try writing all this out, always hopeful that if I am just self-aware enough, I will resolve all things that bother me.