Wednesday, March 20, 2013
I remember writing before about a dark night of the soul. Actually, I remember writing about many such nights. Last night I had what I might term, a light night of the soul. I went to bed early, planning to try to pick up a morning substitute teaching job, but I couldn't sleep. I took a little klonopin to help with sleep and to keep any anxiety that might pop up at bay. It could just have been the drug that relaxed me, but suddenly things seemed clear, easy. All my doubts and fear melted. Suddenly it was like, "I got this." The whole job hunt thing didn't seem so hard. I stopped worrying about what ifs. I got excited about the future a bit, and at least last night, I knew what I wanted, and it seemed simple. There were no obstacles in my way. I can work hard. If I teach, I know how to teach. I don't need to be afraid of what I end up with because I can do it, whatever it may be. I realized that while money and security are not the end all be all, they do help me to relax a bit. I spend way too much time worrying that I won't have, or won't get what I really need. When I look at this in the light of a new day, I may have missed the mark a bit, but some of the things I thought about last night were on point. No matter what I actually end up doing, I do want more security. I thought I really wanted to own and operate my moving arts business, but I think I might rather focus more on being a student. Sometimes I would rather just show up to learn and play. Right now I am imagining just working during the day, and then having most evenings to do with as I please. I realize that in my mind I have sort of glamorized this stuff, glossed over all the things that were really awful before. I am glad I am taking the time now to write about last night. It was beautiful, that temporary certainty that obliterated all the doubts that have been stalking my mind. When I look at some of last night's logic now, some of it seems rather flawed, but I took something from it too. I need that kind of certainty and confidence in myself all the time. When I believe in myself and allow myself to trust that things can and will work out, I feel good and any failures are just tiny set backs. Sometimes I doubt myself to the point where I am almost afraid to leave home or to take on any challenges. The truth is, most of the things I fear, I do just fine with. Last night I felt for a bit like everything was "solved." It's not, but somehow I still feel more hopeful and more confident today than I have in a while. I think I needed that short stretch of pure illumination.