Tuesday, March 26, 2013
I want to take a really deep breath that fills me completely. I want to follow that breath with another and then another, so that all my breathes are deep and steady. Right now, too many of my breathes are shallow. Not long after being diagnosed with MS, I was also diagnosed with Asthma, but the thing is, I never had asthma before... I only have asthma when I am anxious or depressed. It is more my reaction to stress, but it sucks to not fully breathe. I can tell when my mental state is not exactly as I want it to be, just by the quality of the breaths my body allows me to take. Despite my best resolves to just be, here and now, to be more than ok, I am still struggling. I want the struggle to just go away. It seems I am taking far more punches than I am throwing, but I also haven't thrown in the towel yet. There have been much harder times. I have my health and my freedom. I am safe and comfortable (even when my mind doesn't believe it). I said it before, and I will say it again, "I am not licked yet." I ask myself now: "How do I make this easier?" How do I remind myself that good days build on good days, that just a good now is more than enough? In another post, I mentioned breaks in the clouds-- how do I continue to find those breaks and then make them last? I know from experience that I can change my day, my reality, any minute, any second, but how do I do that when I have so many doubts? Lately, this blog has gone from "inspiring" to my own personal attempt to help myself. I guess I want it to be inspiring again. I have been psyching myself up lately. "Be fierce," I tell myself. I remind myself that I am tough. I remind myself that there are many things that make life good, and then I put my head down and push forward, getting up after each blow to fight again.