Adjusting

Now that vacation is finally here, I notice that I am still adjusting. I am finding it a bit hard to just relax after being continually on the go and I am feeling a bit agitated. I hope a few more days of vacation will help me just start to chill out.

I have started a journal and I am hoping that it will be a useful tool for sorting out the millions of thoughts spinning through my mind. I am hoping if I can just purge some of the excess in my head that I can calm down a bit, and find a way to be present.

So far the break has been pretty mellow. It is only me that has not slowed down. I have had some nice time with friends and family and I hope to continue in that vein in the next few weeks. I also am getting to do a bit of reading just for fun and that is really nice.

I have been feeling a bit fatigued and the heat is bothering me a little, but overall, my health remains good. Today I am grateful for this chance to kick back and rest. Tomorrow will actually be the first day where I do not have to work at all because I have still been at one of my yoga jobs every day since school ended.

May Summer Bring the Change

Today was my last day with students. Tomorrow is my last day of this school year. I'm working on my own mental crap and I'm hoping that summer vacation gives me just the boost I need.

We create our own suffering a good deal of the time. I am ready to let mine go and to just start feeling good.

I am grateful for the break. May this time heal all within me that needs healing so that I can begin looking out rather than always at my own survival.

Adult Growing Pains

Friends, family and even near strangers keep reassuring me that a great deal of learning and growth can come from tough times. I sure hope so. I'm trying to pay attention to things that come my way and to learn from them but it is hard not to feel impatient. I keep dreaming of my own magic wand that I can just wave to give me all the answers I need and to make everything clear and right. I know this is not going to happen but it has not stopped me from wishing...

I have been struggling a lot with poor self-confidence. I feel directionless in uncharted seas, and I long for something or someone to hang onto, but I know this is a journey I must chart alone. It is clear to me that I can hardly stand to be without a master plan, but I dare not create one without knowing what I really want. Honestly, I don't know what I want. I have been feeling so tired. I can't tell if this is MS or just all my attempts to figure things out. I feel scattered too, so my fatigue and seeming inability to focus is driving me a little nuts. I would love to just lie down and sleep for a few days. Maybe I could even have some really illuminating dreams. Will I figure some stuff out once I hit my summer break and rest a little? I keep hoping that will take care of things but think it may take more.

I did decide to find a new therapist since I have not had one in some time, but I could not even get an appointment until late June. Being the impatient sort I am, I want help now.

I do feel a bit better than I have the last few months, but I still feel unsettled. Angst about the future is pacing the corners of my mind. I am not in constant anxiety, but I can't help remembering that I can't put off decisions about my house and my job forever. I recognize that avoidance can be a good temporary coping mechanism, but it is not getting to the root of what is troubling me. Thank God for the present. Being present helps keep me sane but I want to be able to think beyond today without fear and fear is controlling me far more than I would like.

Today I am grateful for everything that I have-- my comforts, my loved ones and my health.

Today

Right now,
Only right now,
At this second I can breath--

Sometimes I just can step back for an instant,
And for that instant,
Things are simple.

I wonder that I ever panic,
Yet I often awake,
My heart racing, with dread I cannot explain.

Wondering how I entered the nightmare
Wondering how to escape
Struggling to see the other side of realities I want to deny.

Then I seperate from that reality for a moment,
Like now
And I wonder what all the fuss was.

How do I retain this vantage point?
This glimpse outside
Crushing, consuming darkness--

I don't feel like I have a disease
But I feel diseased
Longing to always have perspective.

I Long to remember,
That soon
Even this current phase will pass.

Quick update 4-29

I just got home after another very long day so I must keep this brief. Sadly, I go to bed around 7:30 or 8:00 when I can so that I have enough steam to get through my day...

The house deal fell through so I'm back to square one. Fortunately, I did not sign a lease so there were no major financial losses and hopefully a better deal, with better timing will come my way soon. Right now, I just want to get through this school year and start looking ahead. Also for now, one day at a time. I have much to reflect on and I am going to try to be patient and to have compassion on myself.

Today I am grateful for the health and finances to take my time deciding what to do next...

I'll be back

I have not been in blogland for a while and I am only going to stay a moment. I am ok and things may be looking up a little. Seems like the house is sold and I'll go sign a lease on a new place tomorrow. The move is a little stressful but I'm also getting kind of excited. Maybe there is some good, new thing close on the horizon. Vaction is only a little over a month away!

Oh, the 23rd was the two year anniversay of my diagnoses. I actually forgot until today. I can't complain.

Today I am thankful that after two years my health seems good (knock on wood).

My Favorite Things

I have been neglecting the blog. Working out my mental crap here is a bit of an indulgence, perhpas an indulgence better denied, but still alluring.

I got out of town for a week. I would like to claim I have learned the meaning of life and that I feel rejuvenated, but I think the opposite may be true in many ways. Vacation had its moments (don't get me wrong) but it also revealed to me that I have a lot of work to do in my current situation. I need to find ways to feel happy living the life I have in front of me, not in a temporary escape. A hard lesson, but a good one.

So here I am, back at home, trying to unearth my mind from the fog I have allowed to claim it. It's not easy. I have been trying to find a way free from my own discontent for some time, but I have had little success. I keep waiting for external things to change, instead of addressing the internal things that allow me to react adversely to my circumstances. Sometimes I feel like I'm wading through thick mud. I don't think this is one of those things that's just going to fix itself, rather, transformation is something I need to give some active effort, so right now I'm trying to remember my favorite things. Ok, I'm doing that, but I'm also just trying to work things out in my head.

I love music. Yoga brings me a joy that little else does. The spring inspires me. Writing fulfills and inspires me. Dance is an amazing gift. My current good health is also an amazing gift. Here I am, two years with MS, and I can get my body to do just about everything I might dream of doing. That is something never to be taken for granted.

I enjoy connecting with others, when it feels really genuine and meaningful. I still love teaching ( the way it feels when I actually touch a student's life and make a difference). Loneliness sometimes haunts me, but I love my independence. Sometimes home ownership is a burden, but I love my home, caring for my home and knowing that I can take care of myself. I love to feel strong: physically, emotionally and mentally.

I love sunshine, but I also love the sound of rain outside my window. I love art, film and my own creative pursuits. My blogs also bring me joy. I love my family, my friends and my cat. Perhaps oddly, I am comforted by routine and somewhat scared by change. I may cry and moan about it constantly, but I also think I am a little addicted to work. Does that make it one of my favorite things?

I like solitude. I like time to just sit and think but I feel guilty about doing nothing. I love free time, but I am sometimes tortured about how to use it. I write all this and see that this is not simple but I would like to believe that happiness itself is. I do, now to just let it claim me.

Dear blog, thanks for indulging this rather confused rant. Today I am grateful for life itself, challenges and all.