A happy Sunday

I had a nice Sunday. During the early morning, I was sick because I ate differently yesterday and accidentally gave myself a shot in the muscle, not the fat, hence the pain. I felt very nauseaous for a while but by 9:00 am, I was ready to get up and go.

I went to aerial yoga but class was cancelled. I did get to stretch out, do some tricks and talk to the owner of the studio. I will go gack today for some more training on the aerial equipment like the tissue (fabric), Hoop and trapeze. I talked the owner of the studio into giving me a discount for two days since I teach at her studio sometimes. I am excited for class later today.

I also bought groceries to fit my diet, went to lunch, did some work, created a restorative yoga sequence for my Firebird yoga blog and took a nap.

Later, I went out and saw my best friend DJ at a patio party. I then finished my day with dinner and my shot. I did the shot in my belly this time. I heated the area first and got relaxed. Then I did the shot laying down. I think I lost some of the medicine that way but most of it went in. I then applied more heat. This one did not hurt or sting at all. Yeah!

I'm thankful for my great Sunday.

Hot is better than cold for me...

Not really, but with the Copaxone it is. I heated before I injected and iced after. The aftershock is intense. I realized that the ice was not allowing the medicine to spread well and so the pain would not spread out as quickly as yesterday. Now, I just tried heat instead. It is helping the pain. Yesterday did not hurt as much. I must not have hit as good a spot today. My hands have been a bit inflamed and I think it slowed down the speed of my injection. Maybe I will try the auto-injector... I kind of like watching myself shove the needle and plunger into my arm ( I know I'm a weirdo) but maybe the auto-injector would make this easier than trying to get my swollen hands to work well.

I couldn't resist the urge to post that intense poem this morning. As a writer, I look for opportunities in the drama. Mostly, my life is rather mundane, so this gave me something new to write about.

When I injected tonight, I prayed out loud afterward to calm myself. I don't believe in prayer but it is very soothing and I love the sound when I'm nervous. It helped me focus on my breath and something outside the pain. Even now, my arm still hurts. At first, it felt like the area all around the site was pulsing. I imagine, I'll get used to this. I have lost a lot of weight this week due to cutting foods out of my diet because of food allergies. Now, I'm trying to gain a little back. I figure the more fat I have for this, the better...

I ate some hot wings for dinner tonight, after almost eight years as a strict vegetarian. They tasted good but I was really grossed out. I only ate half but I had some fries and celery too so at least I'm fed for now. Hopefully the chicken won't make me ill but I had to experiment at least.

Right now, my life is very chaotic and many things are in flux but despite the challenges, I feel good. I feel positive about myself and the work I have been doing. I feel good about my art, writing and dance. Cutting out foods seems to be helping already. I don't have morning congestion for the first time in years. I also have been migraine-free for three days now.

Today I am grateful for this chance to confront and conquer my fears. I feel empowered.

Awakening to hell

* This post may not be for the faint-hearted or newly diagnosed. Today was my first injection of Copaxone and I just call it how I see it.

Denial is possible
As long as you have ways to forget.
I allowed myself to pretend,
Pretend that I would be one of the lucky ones--
Maybe I still will be
But this disease has caught me in its jaws
It seems every day, I grow slightly more ill.
It's harder to pretend.

Yesterday I had to stop pretending to myself--
This thing is real and it's not going anywhwere
We are life-long companions
So why do I feel so alone?
Disease is a constant companion but not a joyful bedfellow.
It does not comfort you
But it never lets you fully forget.

Yesterday I had to stop pretending to myself
I thought I was ready--
Ready to fight my disease with any tool at hand,
Then I saw the needle...
My heart raced for a moment
I tried to calm myself with cleansing breath
A voice in my head said, "This is your life now."
Yes, but I don't want to accept--

Hot tears scalded my cheeks.
I had to stop,
Needle poised midair--
I cried large, fat, raindrop tears
Inside something released and my fear faded.
Ok, I'm ready.
I took the syringe
Placed my thumb on the plunger and started to push.

I felt nothing
No pain,
No fear--
Not too bad
Seconds passed, a lifetime
My arm began to burn
I focused on other things
A huge welt rose on my skin

I did not look.
I talked and looked away,
Trying to keep my mind off the pain.
Now streaks of it raced along my arm
I felt as though I had been stung
I could feel it in my armpit and my fingers
I ignored it and did not look at the site
Ten minutes passed, a life-time.

I was alive and unharmed
I breathed a sigh of relief
I walked outside with my friend
We parted with hugs
And I thought,
"Now what?
Who can I call?"
I wanted someone who had shared this sort of thing to listen

I made some calls
Found myself still alone
Accepted the silence
And then got an offer to see family.
I ate some bland food,
My relatives apologized.
It seemed good to me,
I was glad to be eating and in company--

So weary I almost could not drive,
Made it home by force of will,
Fell into a dreamless slumber,
Managed to forgot
Sleep swept me away in a dreamless tide--
I awoke to hell
I remembered I was alone in this
The trauma swept me but I could hardly cry.

This is my life and that I accept.
I will not fight the current,
I will fight the disease.
I can accept this
It is harder to accept
The daily reminder of my mortality--

For a more positive analysis check out Firebird Yoga.

Broken

I reach for your sleeping form in the night--
My heart races
You are not beside me.
I am disoriented.
I cannot seem to remember how to sleep.
I am hot, awake and restless.

My heart feels pulverized.
How did we come to this?
Oh my sweet love,
Now stranger who shares my home.
I feel my disease
snuggling in for a long stay.

My hands and arms are numb
But my heart seems to bleed.
It beats heavily in my chest
A swift, dull thud with the pain.
I'm crying because I feel so scared and alone
I hurt so much.

All I want is to be comforted
I want to be reassured
I want to be held
I wish for sweet nothings whispered in my ear
But I am mocked by silence.
I breath deeply into the darkness seeking calm like an anchor in the storm.

Firebird Yoga

I just got a great idea for a new yoga company and blog I wanted to start. I would like to welcome all my readers to check out Firebird Yoga. I am still working on the font colors so I would love your feedback.

I plan to continue writing about yoga there. I also plan to take photos and possibly video to share with my readers. I will talk about yoga for every body and need. I hope to bring the joy of yoga to both healthy and seriously ill individuals. Please take the journey with me.

Namaste,
Denver Refashionista

I want to join the circus...

Literally-- At one time I could do most of their moves. Now to train.

More to come...

For my yoga students

When I teach yoga I like to give freely of myself, to nurture my students and to help bring them closer to their true selves. Nevertheless, I get as much out of my teaching as they do. Teaching yoga gives me a home, a place of sanity to stand when all I want to do is howl at the moon. It reminds me to breath. It reminds me of my favorite prayer by Saint Francis of Assisi:

"Lord make me an instrument of thy peace
Where there is hatred, let there be love
Where there there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is despair, hope
Where there is darkness, light.
Oh divine master--
Grant that I might not so much seek to be consoled, as to console
To be understood, as to understand
To be loved, as to love
For it is in giving that we receive,
And it is in death to self
That we are born to eternal life."
Amen.

My heart is filled with gratitude for the things I receive from teaching yoga. I bow to my students. I bow to the teacher in all things. I prostrate myself to the divine with the faith that I will find a way no matter what.

Let yoga be your candle in the dark.
Let it lift you and fill you.
Let it in inspire you
Take what you discover on your mat into the world
And create peace, love and harmony.